Yes, I’ve been on mini-vacation and abandoned you for a while without so much as one post letting you know I’d be away, or a note to call your Aunt Vicki if you needed anything. Knowing your parents, you’re used to this kind of thing. So, like my cats when they’ve hit the box instead of the carpet, you’re going to get a special fish flavored treat. You remember Harmony Heart, don’t you? Of course you do. He’s the Worst Cartoon Robot Host of All Time [He's out of work now, and in the coming weeks we'll be seeing just what he's up to]. But first, lets harken back to a time when we was hosting a video featuring trashy, thrown-together public domain cartoons (much like the one for sale to your immediate right! Have one, won’t you?). Apparently, the creators of this video enjoy their weed more than, say, the ins-and-outs of their editing machine. Like Bill O’Reilly, they just “do it live.” Which is a littler harder to do when animation is involved. So, instead of re-recording Harmony Heart’s lines when he utterly botches them, they just let the tape roll, man. Because they’re free spirits. Free, unyielding and beautiful spirits sandwiched between the giddy high-high-HIGHS of “Brake Free” and the mildly-offensive, Sunday Morning Coming Down strains of “Music to Learn About People” (or, “Year of the Cock”, if you’re a keen video observer). Dig it, man.

Is it just me, or is Harmony Heart kind of like Joel Hodgson’s loveable cousin?

Little John bends over is enjoying a nice boost in views over at YouTube, and it’s clear to see why: he’s one of the most likable, terrible characters ever. Why isn’t there a cult following around this guy yet? Say what you will about the animation and the writing, but the way they guy doing Little John’s voice delivers his understated lines makes me smile everytime. I know, I know…that hardly seems possible.

Hey, what’s more embarrassing than The Wonder Twins? It’s Willie Tyler & Lester—the less funny pre-cursor to Jeff Dunham—trying to pronounce the word “Superman” as part of ABC Saturday Morning Preview Show. As far as I’m concerned, Superfriends owes all its success to this perfectly executed comedy bit.

I can’t get over his Ms. Pac-Man joke, either. “How do you tell Ms. Pac-Man apart from Pac-Man? Ms. Pac-Man has a bow on her head and earrings! BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP!” Wait a minute…isn’t that just a fact and not a punchline? If it’s not, I’ve got a joke for you: “How do you tell the difference between Pinky and Clyde, the Pac-Man ghosts? Clyde is Orange! BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP!”

And whatever you do, DO NOT, miss the “Superman Pac-Man Song” at the end, in which Lester becomes terrified on the spot and attempts to improvise a song, but ends up just spouting off the TV Guide listings for that morning and then adds AMERICAN BANDSTANDDDDD at the end. This must have pissed everyone at ABC off because Bandstand (Band-stannnd) has absolutely nothing to do with this Saturday Morning Preview Special. Willie clearly just adds it to the end because they’re on the American Bandstand set, because ABC was to cheap to get this show its own set.

I never realized how truly bad the name for the Laverne and Shirley and Fonz Hour Cartoon was until a puppet tried to sing it in a song.

Hey, it’s Friday! And that just means I gotta dance it out. Maybe I’ll just sashay about, do Disco Teddy Bear. You know how we do. Or maybe I’ll just celebrate with a non-cartoon thing I made in celebration of a great review from the Guardian UK website. Neat!

“There are postings on the difficulty of animating teeth and a video of a talking breast that will send you into a ‘depressing shame spiral’.” -Guardian UK

That’s it! That’s my site exactly! I had you pegged all wrong, foreigners. And now, a non-cartoon featuring Rue McClanahan and an illegal number of cats in a living room. Happy Friday. Or should I say….CATurday! Damn…should have posted this tomorrow for that to work.

At a stop light yesterday, a familiar site: a cartoon character taking a piss on a Chevy logo (which my dad, and others, pronounce as ”Shivvy” in these parts). Except this was a bizzare mutation of the original  “bootleg- Calvin pissing on Chevy/Ford” logo (even more bizzare than the “praying bootleg-Calvin repenting for his automobile logo micterations in front of a cross”).

This one had a FEMALE bootleg-Calvin squatting over a Chevy logo: a sticker which would be classy on any automobile, certainly, but even more so ON THIS PERSON’S F—KING DODGE SATURN.

I don’t care if you’re jealous or what, if you drive a SATURN you do not get to join in on the Ford vs. Chevy Battle of the White Trash Brand Loyalty. (And why wouldn’t they be loyal, what with these companies laying them off left and right? It’s like cheering for the Cubs if, when the Cubs lost, your family didn’t eat or receive health benefits that month).

Plus, it screws with my mind. It’s like when Hordak suddenly arrived on the scene. Was he on Skeletor’s side? He-Man’s? What the hell was going on in Eternia? Because tainting Bill Watterson’s legacy doesn’t seem to be a good enough reason for doing away with these stickers—nor does returning to the quiet days of painting an entire scene on your van in lieu of vinyl decals–I beg you all to come together and end this pissing match between Shivvy and F’erd. I mean, Chevy and Ford. With the auto industry collapsing totally collapsed, maybe it’s time to come together, for the sake of our children…who I dream will one day drive a Prius with a fake nutsack hanging off the hitch.

Yes, Let’s return to a time when Pat Boone, nay CINDERELLA, made grotesque, uncomfortable, nerve-jangling cartoons in favor of the automobile. I don’t remember Cinderella having 7 dwarves, but whatever.

The Yum Yums, in addition to being the most irritating cartoon spawn I’ve seen to date (yes, including Texas Jack) are also under the incorrect assumption that as long as you act cute, your actions won’t be perceived as the most dickish things in the entire universe. In fact, their amplified by words like “Peppy-Mint” and “jiffy.” Try to stomach this clip as long as you can.

And now, Worst Cartoons Ever Theatre presents another episode of “The Worsties. In this short, a moral examination of the butterfly situation, as told via another awful, awful, cheap-ass cartoon.

I don’t know…Obama’s speech last night was inspiring and all, but it lacked a certain…I’m not sure. Grooviness? Yeah, that’s probably it. People have been clamoring for this clip for a while, from the ill-fated cartoon Super President: a 1967 cartoon that presupposes kids might be interested in the Commander-In-Chief as an indestructible superhero; one who has the power to turn into steel, granite, “or whatever the need requires.” Wow…nice loophole. That’s, like, George Bush’s dream phrase right there.

Also, his “power was born in a cosmic storm.” I’m not sure how or why this guy found himself in a cosmic storm in Washington DC, but his newfound, awesome power led to James Norcross (not to be confused with Grover Norquist) to want to be President (naturally), where he traded flying across the galaxy and kicking Electric Monsters in the nuts for things like the Iowa Caucus and line item vetos.

Did I mention this was all in the wake of the Kennedy assassination? That’s like unleashing “Budgy, the Unstoppable Space Shuttle!” a year after the Challenger explosion. This clip is one of Jerry Beck’s more popular snippets from his Comic Con appearances, and it’s clear to see why.

There’s two things you need to know about this piece of crap Super President video.

Number One: the kidnapped Vice President’s name is Jerry Sayles, which you would think lends itself to an awesome arsenal of bad cartoon puns at the evil Steel Man’s disposal, because it’s pronounced “Sales”. Instead, Steel Man just confuses the entire scene by saying “Sayles will die.” And sales don’t die, they decline. And no one at this point knows what in the hell anyone else is talking about, because the robot should have said “It will be the death of a SAYLES, man! Bwah ha ha, Super President!”

Two: Super President’s deduction skills are total bullshit. Wait…”Deduction.” That rhymes with “reduction.” My grandmother, a chef, made a wonderful balsamic reduction drizzle for her seared scallops. She cooked it while listening to Lawrence Welk. He had a great band. That’s it! Super President’s deduction skills are GREAT! I knew I was getting somewhere…

Today’s a big day for the site. It’s my wife’s birthday, my friends are in town from Minnesota, and MTV has contacted me about showing Evil Flying Jesus on some show of theirs. Unless I have Michelle Obama’s upper arm strength, I’m just not gonna make it through this. Good thing The Mighty Titan is here to show me the world’s most worthless, utterly hypnotizing workout. Something tells me if you don’t have the means to animate the act of exercising, you shouldn’t be attempting it. But the commies were on our shores, and desperate times called for cartoons that combined Jack LeLanne with the ghostly, nightmarish face of a harlequin.

Special guest stars: the shrill voiced kids from the Johnny Cypher Theme Song. Can’t someone tell these demon-throated assholes to stand away from the mic?!?

You can see the entire ‘Toon on Jerry Beck’s Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale here, for only 10 Dumbells! They’re flying like hotcakes, so make sure to get your orders in for that special rotten egg of an Easter basket gift.

Casey, the winner of our Johnny Cypher Theme Song contest had this to say about the Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, on sale now!:

“Hi! I’m just writing to let you know that your junk arrived safely. Had fun watching it with a friend…the funny thing was, the whole thing wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The cartoons ranged from unwatchable to a strange, stinky charm.
Laughs were had either way. “

“Stinky Charms”: my new favorite breakfast cereal. And why shouldn’t she enjoy it, with helpful exercises like this from the Joker’s gym teacher, Mr. Mighty Titan. Come on all you active healthly boys and girls, get active already! We need to ship you out at 0800.

Ok, ok…this will be the last “exercise” video for a while.

Mighty Mr. Titan seems to be particularly hung up on exercises that let you pretend to be something else. In fact, he gets really excited about the idea of running from his awful, awful past as an anemic serial killer and pretending to be R&B singer, Seal.

So I tried “The Seal.” It wasn’t good. Things popped out of place. I encourage you to send me pictures of you attempting it as well.

It’s the middle of the week, and I need something to really grab me by the nuts and kick me into gear. Maybe that’s why this clip struck me as particularly awesome. Or maybe it’s because I liked the Fat Albert one so much. Or maybe it’s because I’m wanted to make the most awesome Rammstein pun in the history of websites for my music-geek friends. Either way, if you never though Eeyore was suicidal enough, maybe this will whet your appetite for lethargic, self-pitying stuffed donkeys.

Thanks to SqueezeBot for the video tip!
That sound you hear is Alan Moore throwing up in his beard and praying to his Snake Jesus to please make it all stop. Parody doesn’t get much better than this nineties bastardization of the sacred cow Watchmen. Had Watchmen been written by Eastman & Laird, there’s a pretty damn good chance this show would have actually aired. I’m crossing my fingers that it still does, if not to see Rorschach yell “Cowabunga!” while breaking a dude’s pinky. And, if we’re really lucky…

My buddy Ryan has the best ideas: My PhotoShop skills are limited, so send your own versions of a Watchmen Adventures comic my way (ie: comment and post a link to it) and I’ll pick the best, and send you a Worst Cartoons Junk Swag Surprise Box! You’re gonna love my junk.

If there were a way to replay the noise Super President’s doughy sidekick makes right before Steel Man punches him in the face, over and over on an endless loop, I think I would be the happiest person alive. It’s kind of like “HOO GEET!” or “HOON GLEEK!” I’m sure his voice directions were great:

Director: Ok Jerry, in this scene, Steel Man—who is clearly not a man by any stretch—walks into the “inpenatrable base.” He does this by walking through the open door. Then, he punches you in the jaw, not killing you instantly. You need to make a noise that captures this.

Voice Actor: How about, Hoon Geet?

Director: Hmm…”Hoon Geet.” I like it, but maybe give me something in a “Hool Jeet.” Oh, hell, you’re the actor: Hoon Geet it is.

Voice Actor: Then what should I say?

Director: Oh nothing. Then we have this scene where the unstoppable Steel Man—who could snap a man like a Baked Lays with his bare hands and is immune to bullets—well, he’s gonna get scared off by a dinging bell, after going to all the trouble of breaking into the place.

By the way, if you think the phrase “You were wrong, Sales,” is just bad grammar, you probably need to watch this post first.

There’s something I like about this clip, which is very subtle in the ways that it’s completely batshit insane. Maybe it’s the casualness and upbeat voice with which the Train Mouse (you remember him…he tells great stories) discusses his friend’s parents dying, and that “she moved in with US!” Yippee! Neat-O! Hip Hip Hoora…wait. What the…how what when what where what the hell? Highly disturbing. Listen to it a few times. It gets creepier, even by “disease spreading sewer vermin” standards.

The whole slow, awfully paced and terribly animated scene with the cat makes me feel: nauseous, depressed, sad for the cat, sad that I have to listen to the weird gurgling sounds the cat makes, weepy for listening to the voice actor sound like a high pitched giggling tit-face, and sad that the cat doesn’t cut their eyeballs out with razor-precision. Let’s not mince words: I WANT THESE MICE TO DIE, SO BAD. Or at least one of them to die, so the other can inexplicably run off to move in with his friends. Yippee!

A while back, I detailed the gayest evil villain plot ever.  I know that only sounds like I’m throwing around the word “gay” as a nasty, Maxim-style fratboy pejorative, but I beg of you: how would you describe a man who tries to take over the world with lollipops? Even my gay friends are at a loss. 

This video may edge it out. It’s from the Yum Yums, which I’m sure you’ll remember. Let’s break it down:

1. The plan begins with a hearty jizz drizzle over their giant gumball machine, where a mix between a syphilitic elephant and Edward G. Robinson’s retarded brother wants to “take some bounce out of the boys and girls fuuuuun, seee? Where’s your Messiah now, Yum Yums? Seeeee?”

2. The “Mayor,” who looks like something Howie Mandell shat out in Little Monsters, has the winning evil plan: “The kids will HATE this ride…UNLESS THEY LIKE RIDING BACKWARDS!” Great plan, dickcheese. But what if they DO like riding backwards? Some rides, like the Batman coaster, are built for that very, quite-fun purpose. Why not just bake them some cupcakes? They’ll HATE those cupcakes…unless they LIKE those cupcakes! Bwah ha ha ha ha HA!

3. “We only have to mess up the Popcorn Train and the Donut Dunk and we’re done!” Yeah…Those already sound pretty messed up. Better call it a day, boys.

4. “They’ll never fix it in time without their Magic Tool Box!” Yeah, because those rides use a Peppermint Metric system, and it’s a real bitch to find a 3/4″ Metric Flare Licorice-Wrench with Cinnamon Coating once you lose it. You’re gonna want a Gumdrop Hose Coupling too, or the whole things in the crapper. I mean, I can probably get one in by next week but…it’s no guarantee.

Imagine my surprise when I pooped this tape into a VCR and was greeted by a Clip Art Space Mr. Bill  with a reeeeeally loudly overdubbed voice whisked me into his little corner of the vaccum of space. That’s not a typo, by the way—I did not “pop” this tape into the VCR. Now imagine my surprise when that thing announced it had a name: Harmony Heart. Terrifying, isn’t it? “HOW YA DOIN’ OUT THERE?” But he doesn’t give us time to answer. My answer would have been, “I had been doing fine, until a dark portion of my life from Epcot’s ‘Captain E.O.’ ride decided to track me into the future and greet me once more.”

On first glance, he’s sort of gingerbread man who has apparently discovered David Bowie late in life and—by the look on his face—dark, 52nd Street theatre houses playing movies like “Anus the Menace.” My God…it’s full of stars. But I’ll tell you one thing: I felt compelled to drop everything I was doing to sing along with Harmony Heart, and it was eventually my honor to mangle grammar with him.

It’s Friday, and I think I will open up all of the doors today, my friends. I have all the keys. All I need is a track in the background. I will come fun learning with this man. And just look what kind of come fun learning adventures you’re going to come fun learn! Sonny and Cher! The Train of…Caipiro? Umm…white kids dressed like indians…hey, what in the hell kind of fun learning is this anyway, you educational rainbow creature? Well, we’ve come this far. There’s no turning back. I can’t think of a better way to spend Friday the 13th.

Postscript: When he says “FUNNNN LEARNING!” all I can think of is TV’s Frank from Mystery Science Theater bellowing “DEEEEP HURTING!” In truth, they are the same.

Unlike this YouTube video which plays the entire 10 minute Tubby the Tuba Puppetoon Short (God help you if you watch it), my Tubby the Tuba re-edit has been removed from YouTube “due to copyright violations” by “Arnold Leibovit Entertainment.” Even though I have to expect this kind of thing, the claim is, of course, is bullshit.  I’ve never broken a law in my life.

My Tubby Tuba video use falls under Fair Use laws, and any first year Broadcasting Major from Rats Ass Community College can tell you that. But the video in my post still works if you go there…even though it doesn’t work at YouTube Proper anymore. Weird. But I’ll leave it alone for now. Because YouTube shoots first and asks questions later (removes your video and then makes you prove why it shouldn’t have through a lengthy and boring pissing-match with the so-called copyright holder of my 30 second parody-law protected goof video), I’ll just have to set a precedent with Chris Ward v. Tubby Tuba.

Also, MTV recently contacted me to air my crazy-successful Jesus Blows Up the Earth video (kids love the Jesus) for a new show they’re putting out in May where they…I’m not sure. Put other people’s YouTube videos on TV? Anyway, and I was happy to oblige until I saw their contract would have me claiming I owned 100% of that video. I don’t know why MTV assumed I owned the video, since it’s one of several online. Seems kind of reckless of them, considering it would have been my ass if someone like, oh, Jesus’ Evil World Destroying Lawyers came calling. And, for the record, our foremost animation expert Jerry Beck has “no idea” where Jesus Blows Up The Earth originally came from.  The fact that he doesn’t know, actually kind of scares me a little bit. Now I’ll have to assume that cartoon has always been, and always will be: the Alpha and Omega of shitty propaganda cartoons.

I’m Irish. I hate corn beef and cabbage, I hate green beer, and I hate green vomit in my goddamned city streets. But in honor of my dear departed grandmother’s birthday today, and to all the faithfully departed, here are some shitty St. Patrick’s Day cartoons. Don’t enjoy!

1. The Very First Ever Lucky Charms Commercial: animated by Peanut’s Bill Melendez. Why in the hell do they bother trotting out each individual marshmallow and announcing “pink hearts, green clovers!” on a black and white TV?!?!?

It’s interesting that “Lucky” endures to this day, but this mascot never did. Hmm….

Alright you mick bastards, follow the rainbow for even more!
(more…)

So I get a text message from my friend today that is both the most horrible and wonderful text message I’ve ever received. Names will be withheld due to the sensitive nature of the subject:

“Dude…My brother got a piece of undigested bacon lodged in his scrotum!”

Immediately, all the blood in my brain rushed to my Anterior Laugh Muscle, the strongest and most deadly muscle in my body, sending me into a berserker coma. When I awoke, I had to get details. Here’s all I know.

It was from a Subway sandwich…it somehow didn’t digest properly and worked it’s way down there. The doctor had to cut it out! he’s fine now. I’ll call to get details.

First things first: He’ll never be “fine” again. Never again will he eat smoked meats without imagining them traveling down his throat, defiantly taking the off-ramp by his stomach that says “BRIDGE OUT,” crashing through that wall Smokey and the Bandit style, and leading all major blood cells on a Thelma and Louise chase that ends with a painful dive into Scrotum Gulch.

I’m a worrier. I come from a family of worriers. Not once have I worried that bacon that goes down my throat may end up in my balls. Now it’s all I can think about. I don’t know whether to give up bacon, or Subway, or just solid foods in general.

“What’s all this have to do with cartoons,” you ask? Here’s a Porky Pig short to keep us on topic. It’s got bacon and cursing rolled into one…just like my friend’s brother experienced first hand.

Check it out! In the new ToyFare #141—the one with gummy Wolverine on the cover—you can find a most terrific plug for the website in the Hot Zone section! I mean Buzz Plate. I mean Hot Plate. You get the idea. So go pick up a copy, and then tell me you don’t also suddenly have the urge to start watching the Real World Brooklyn.

Do you want the bad news first, or the bad news? Robin Williams heart surgery went just fine. That’s not the bad news. I’m not a total bastard. Here’s the bad news:

“His heart is strong and he will have normal heart function in the coming weeks with no limitations on what he’ll be able to do,” said Dr. Marc Gillinov, a cardiothoracic surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic. “A couple of hours after surgery, he was entertaining the medical team and making us all laugh.”

Did you hear that? NO Limitations. He might do a “Hip Hop Voice” and then go right into his “John Wayne.” He might yell “Praissse the Lord I have SEEN the LI-GHT!” in that lispy preacher voice and then go right back into his “Hip Hop Voice.” Then, he might do his “Hip Hop Voice.” There’s just no  limit to what Robin fucking Williams can do.

Oh, to be there in that hospital room after he woke up! To see him grab some bloody gauze off his own operating table, put it on his nose ala Patch Adams, and delight the entire medical operating theater. To see him do improv comedy with his own Amiodarone drip and Lactated Ringers IV! It all sounds just wonderful. I can only hope Billy Crystal will undergo major arterioplasty soon so we can hear of those post-op shenanigans as well. I hear after every surgery, Billy kneels on one knee and goes “Tah-Dah!” with his hands out to the sides. It’s showbiz tradition.

“I got some great new material for the tour and can’t wait to get back on the road,” Williams said in Monday’s news release. “I’m thinking the next leg of the tour will be ‘Weapons of Self-Destruction and Reconstruction!’”

Heh.

Sigh.

And here’s the other bad news: someone preserved a copy of this awful, awful 1982 (1982!!!) Mork Cartoon (instead of destroying every piece of footage in existence) from one of the Worst Named/Worst Executed Ideas in the History of Animation: “The Mork and Mindy/Laverne & Shirley/Fonz Hour.” I’m not dicking around, that’s the actual title. They couldn’t even connect them all with a long ampersand. It has backslashes in it like it’s the shittiest website in existence.

In a blatant attempt to one-up Rocket Robin Hood’s foppish wish for “merriment and sweet amusement,” Little John utters something unlike I’ve never, ever, ever heard in a cartoon. It’s not even like the Texas Jack clip, where I’m pretty sure he’s saying something else. Little John totally just said what you think he said. His “joke” doesn’t even make sense in any non-dirty context it was presumably intended for! As fodder for a snarky cartoon site, Rocket Robin Hood lobs softballs. I don’t even have to do any work here.

There’s a lot more of Little John coming this week right here on the site. Also, I didn’t mean that like it sounded.

Human Teeth: is there anything more horrible?* I don’t like my teeth. I don’t like a lot of other people’s teeth. People with good teeth? Suck it. I hate those people too. They’re painful, dirty, breakable little things and they most certainly don’t belong in cartoons (unless its Robert Smigel’s mouth coming out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face on Conan). But here they are, in lieu of animated mouths, in the amazingly bad CAPTAIN FATHOM: RUSTLERS OF THE SEA RANGE. You can see the whole episode on the Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale here! My birthday is Friday, and what better gift to me than to buy my fabulously cheap and entertaining collection of crud. But, for now, become witness to the horror that is Animated Molars and the boring, BORING conversation that whistles through them. Also, apparently they can’t afford real bird sound effects.

*Human Teeth inside a dog’s mouth, perhaps

And, of course, here’s Clutch Cargo…

I’m 28 today, and it’s time to look back, reflect and take stock of…aww, f–k that. Here’s awful cartoons!

And this video is so great, that you almost don’t notice  the girl to the kid’s right doing…whatever it is she’s doing with her hand under the table. Happy Birthday indeed!

Remember…it’d be really nice of you to buy one of the Worst Cartoons DVDs, cheap as hell, right here on this site. What else do you get a 28 year old living in the past?

This may not seem like an outright awful cliffhanger to Rocket Robin Hood (it’s Robin Hood…in space!) until you realize the utter hypocrisy and lie at its core.

“A prehistoric monster was not part of that plan” to save Maid Marion and Friar Tuck? I call BULLSHIT. Why? Because, in this episode, Robin Hood is also imprisoned but escapes waaaayy before his friends do. And instead of walking ONE DOOR OVER and freeing his girlfriend and his fat, celibate friend and getting the hell out of there, Rocket Robin Hood and Little John sneak out of the compound and fly to PLANET LUCIFER first.

And why would you fly to Planet effing Lucifer first instead of just saving the day? Well, to capture a hairy ape creature, dress it like Maid Marion, do an old switcheroo, and trick the Sheriff’s “sti-uuuuuupid” son into marrying the ape. That’s his plan: To bring a little merriment while saving his friends lives, and possibly make Little John bend over. And since Planet Lucifer houses all the horrors you would think a planet named after Satan himself would have, I find it hard to believe that a giant dragon wouldn’t end up being part of this dumbass plan.

So the point I’m getting at is this: Rocket Robin Hood is an asshole. And that goes double for his narrator.

“Don’t start no shit, there wouldn’t be no shit.” Now there’s a rap lyric Rocket Robin Hood should have taken to heart before touching his long, dull, sparky sword to a dinosaur’s tail, setting it off in a blind rage. Rocket Robin Hood’s next plan is to wave the sword around at its tail, which is about as scary as Keifer Sutherland’s twin sister:

Whoa, ho ho! Allllll aboard for Tranny Town! Come to think of it, that’s pretty effing scary compared to this. Where else does Team Robin Hood go wrong?

1. Coming to Planet Lucifer in the first place and not expecting to tango with death.

2. Playing Dead by laying under the dinosaur’s tail.

3. Not hiring a real monster, but instead having a real person making a “RRRRR!” sound  at 00:33

4. Little John practically hanging his Lil’ John straight out the skirt when bending down by his fallen partner’s face.

Aprillll Fols day. Aprilish foools day. Aprillll Fols day. Aprilish foools day. Aprillll Fols day. Aprilish foools day. Aprillll Fols day. Aprilish foools day. Aprillll Fols day. Aprilish foools day. Aprillll Fols day. Aprilish foools day. Aprillll Fols day. Aprilish foools day. Aprillll Fols day. Aprilish foools day.

april fools day.

Ok, at this point I’d rather hear Clint Eastwood sing then see another Rocket Robin Hood clip. But this show keeps on giving. How could I let you down after all the build up? This is a longer clip than normal (wow! 2 whole minutes! Who will have the marathon nerve to watch the whole thing!)

But here’s your story so far:

1. Rocket Robin Hood has a plan that may or may not involve Little John bending over. YEE-AY AH! WHAT!?!?! [That's supposed to be Lil' Jon. Doesn't really translate in blog form.]

2. Rocket Robin Hood leaves his girlfriend to rot in a cell just to carry out some stupid prank and his dumb ass almost gets killed in the process.

3. Rocket Robin Hood, somehow, is surprised monsters live on Planet Lucifer.

Caught up? Good. Now all that’s left to see is the, ahem, “hilarious” shenanigans that ensue. SEE! The jerky animation! HEAR! The crowd make noises that will make your stomach gurgle with unrest! WATCH! Jokes as they fall flatter than Lindsay Lohan’s chest! GASP! At the countless continuity errors, wherein the ape-kid from The Others is in the man’s arms, and suddenly standing beside him!

And all this so they can just ESCAPE LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE 3 GODDAMNED DAYS AGO.

Eat me, Rocket Robin Hood.

Ok, so I smashed my finger in a door last night and forgot to get a post going. So here’s King Kong, from one of the first japanese/american anime hybrids, doing whatever the hell it is he’s doing. You try to figure it out. I think he’s trying to kill this poor dog. Or wants to kill the dog, and gets bored and remembers “Lost” is on. Now you’re as confused and hurt and purple-fingernailed as I am.

As you witnessed during yesterday’s post, King Kong tried to kill a small puppy. Or, depending on how you view it, tried to kill a small puppy, got bored, and let the T-Rex and giant Wizard Hat Wearing Bird kill it for him.

Here we have the shrill voiced, ball-busting reason for Kong’s desire to lure a small, helpless dog to his death on Skull Island. And I think I now understand the monkey’s motive. Also, if you had a 10 story ape as your sidekick, ready to kill on command and even love you so much he’d die in a hail of biplane fire as Jack Black looks on, do you think you’d ever be able to have fun with a f—ing terrier on a beach ever again? I know the day I bought my pair of laser-mounted kill-squirrels, I pretty much let my goldfish die and didn’t think twice about it.

How’s this for emotional bukakke? After feeling bad for trying to murder this puppy, Kong has a change of heart and saves him (taking his damn time with that rock I might add) so that he can finish the job himself at a later date. It also confirms my fear that King Kong is from THIS planet.

With Earth Day coming up later this month, and everybody up their own asses about how “radical” it is to “go green” and “breathe clean air,” I think it’s important that we recognize Disney, who—as proven by this video that’s been making the Net rounds this week—has been recycling for years. This video immediately depressed my wife, who is the only person I know with fond memories of Robin Hood, a movie I totally and absolutely forgot about. I had to Google it just to make sure it was just called “Robin Hood,” and not “The Animal Robin Hood” or “Foxy Robin Hood.” Whatever. I started hating Disney as a kid, when I was denied the chance to see UHF starring Weird Al in my local cineplex thanks to an overwhelming vote by my cousins to see An American Tale. Yes, I know An American Tale is not a Disney movie, but I didn’t make this distinction when I was a kid, nor could I understand that a company other than Disney could make full-length cartoon movies. I still can’t understand it.

I’m headed to Metropolis, IL this weekend—AKA the unsanctioned by DC Comics, depressing, 3 hours from nowhere, tourist trap fun spot with giant Superman statue—for the Harrah’s Casino Rock Band Tournament! Why? Because I’m hoping I’ll run into a chain smoking feeb with a Nick-At-Nite logo on his shirt and a Superman “Who never says yes to a cigarette” and talks with that voice your dickhead big brother uses when he repeats everything you say. That’s funny, the Superman I know might not smoke, but he would never not say “no” to things that kill probably kill you just as bad.

Actually, I’m going cause I’ll be doing a little video game reporting for my buddies Gary and Anton (and my occasional stomping grounds) over at Joystick Division, and Jesse “Junkstore” Thompson and I (you have him to thank for this) are getting free room and board for it. And we’re probably going to steal the road sign that says, I shit you not, “Lois Ln.” Best use of Google Earth to spot a pun from space ever.

But we’re not staying at Harrah’s. Oh no. The casino hotel is for high-rollers and dirty, cheating, sweetly retarded, card-counting bastard brothers of Tom Cruise. No, we’re staying at the hotel across the street. Why? Because there is a @#^$% Oakridge Boys concert and Harrah’s is all booked. Giddy Up.

So, if you’re in the Metropolis area (I’m looking at you, people within walking distance of Harrah’s Casino who were probably going there to play nickel slots anyway) sign up and rock out with me and the Oakridge Boys tonight at 8! And, if you can’t make it to Metropolis, IL (SPOILER ALERT: you can’t) then there are actually a bunch of really good events going on around the country, with the chance to win a bunch of money and open for the B-52s in Atlantic City. Why, you’ll be able to get the scoop on the whole shebang over at Topless Robot pretty soon. But wouldn’t you rather just buy a Worst Cartoons Ever DVD (screen right) instead of using all that energy winning a contest where the grand prize is playing a video game in front of an angry, annoyed crowd who paid good money to see Fred Schneider utter  the words “rock lobster”? The choice is yours. But I would never eff with hardcore Fred Schneider fans or their ilk. 

The day after Easter is a special day: Jesus slashes prices on candy nationwide, and the remaining Marshmallow Peeps are returned to their families, spared a grisly microwave death and granted book deals to tell their amazing, harrowing tale of survival.

It’s also a day to reflect on some of the worst web cartoons I’ve ever seen, as people jump on the Easter bandwagon leading up to the big day. The last cartoon–and the most screwed-up idea I’ve ever seen–appear last because they are NSFW. That means Not Safe For Work, for those of you who actually work. Unless you work at the “talking breast ‘toon center,” then you should be fine.

1. Spanish Easter Bunny is in the Clink

I don’t speak Spanish, and neither do you, so let me translate this masterpiece. “Easter Day” is like America’s “Easter” except the Spaniards (is that politically correct? I’m sure it is. Why bother asking anyone) add the word “Day” to the end to differentiate it from “Dia de Los Easter,” which is in late October, translated as “Night of the Lepus.”

The story is this: In Germany, pink, penis-nosed rabbits invented the “terrifying shout into the computer microphone.” They are then hit by cabs, a holiday tradition. The steal eggs from Snowy Owls. The mole police arrive, speaking English (as they do), fart, declare “Don’t Make Hasty Decision” and worship their savior Luis Villafane Pinto.

2. Easter “Cartoon.”

Here’s a fun game, how many seconds of this video will you watch before you realize the creator has no idea what a “cartooon” is? Have fun.

3. “Hip Hop Easter Bunny”

There aren’t many things I hate more than “raps.” No, I’m not talking about rap. I’m talking about “raps.” Whether it’s a ironic ad campaign, a Looney Tunes ’90s revival marketing strategy, an old white lady being a “fish out of water” in a Chris Rock movie…I’d rather hear Clint Eastwood sing than see anything like this ever again. I don’t know who this humor is for. Toss in some of the worst 3D animation on the planet, and you’ve got a winner.

Plus, these assholes rhyme “basket” with “mascot,” which is not quite as annoying as when that country singer rhymed “Bin Laden” with “have you forgotten.” But it’s close.

OK. This is what you’ve been waiting for. The worst Easter Video, possibly the worst thing I’ve ever seen, is after the jump. Not safe for work, you’ve been warned. Not safe for the Unemployed either, as it will lead to a depressing shame spiral.

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Check out this awesome video response to Little John Bends Over For No One! This oughta get your Tuesday morning bumping. And since I owe a shit-ton of money in taxes, I need the cheering up. Sure could use a few DVD SALES HINT HINT HINT HINT. You know, if you get the inkling.

Hey, it’s tax day! So it’s time to pay my dues, and I’d rather pay them to these fine folks. Make sure to pay them a visit.

Huge traffic spikes yesterday thanks to Jesus Loves the Racist Children getting some play over at Everything Is Terrible. Why not check out this incredible site and share the love. They’re good people, and you can see stuff like this

I have contest winner and faithful reader Jeff Sparkman to thank this week, who is sending me a box of cartoon crud in the mail. At his site, he posts the Spongebob Squarepants Burger King commercial that has some conservative talking heads up in arms for using kid’s cartoons in a “sexually suggestive” manner. Well, what do you think? Does it cross the line? Or, more importantly, isn’t the King suppposed to stay 50 ft away from children at all times? Don’t act like you don’t know why.

And remember, Willie says Pay Yo Taxes!

Oh man…this clip is short, but it gets funnier and funnier the more you watch it. Maybe it’s just me, but I cannot get enough of this clip. The creepy, human-mouthed mothers are back from Captain Fathom, and this is an exchange between villains—the Nazi Dominatrix shows up to the International Villains Meeting on the High Seas (or whatever) and is, like, 10 minutes late. The old guy is obsessed—OBSESSED, I say—with punctuality, as you’ll remember. She thinks she’s doing her token Hindu pal a favor, but totally throws him under the bus by accident. The look on his face? Most priceless thing ever. This round to you, old man. 

[Sigh...If only YouTube would freeze on the last frame instead of whisking you to some other shit no one cares about...I'm really starting to hate the new YouTube.]

I’m pretty sure the furor over Twilight should have died down by now. I mean, look at this douchebag. Are girls really creaming their jeans over a PALER Conan O’ Brian?

And now the god-awful DVD is out, and I gotta hear about that all month until they next shitty movie begins production and Entertainment Weekly announces Spencer Pratt is playing Werewolf Jones or whatever the hell characters are in the next book. And I gotta have girls who are old-enough-to-goddamned-know-better asking me “You don’t know who Werewolf Jones is?” Just kill me now.

But, to ease my pain, I found a pretty awful cartoon that now instantly plays in my head whenever someone mentions Twilight. Don’t ask me how her butt is on her back.

Yes. “Shit Vampire.” Or, as I call him, Matthew Matthew McConaughey. Enjoy your Friday!

Happy 4/20, evil drug criminals and/or prescription-approved non-criminals! Yes, potheads love cartoons, and potheads loved fellow pot smoker Bob Denver. In fact, the lot of them must have gotten together and smoked about 3 bricks of stem-filled schwag to come up with an idea like “Gilligan’s Planet.”

It’s true I’ve never seen Gilligan’s Planet, but I’m putting my all money on “suck.” Here are some clues, gumshoes:

1. The original Mary Ann (Dawn Wells) does the voices for Mary Ann AND Ginger for this show, and they don’t even attempt to hide it in the credit sequence! I would love to have seen the cat fight between Dawn Wells and Tina Louise when Ginger found out what that bitch was up to.

2. Instead of sticking with one of the catchiest theme songs of all time and, I don’t know, changing the words to space-based bullshit, the cast is forced to sing-speak some blathering nonsense like “We’ve got a bra-nd new sto-ry, a-bout the cast-a-ways” and they can’t even keep on beat.

3. They have a banana powered, wooden spaceship that has no problem escaping the white-hot atmosphere.

4. The moral: F–k up royaly and ruin everyone’s life once, and they’ll name an island after you. F–k up royally a second time, ensuring everyone will most certainly die in space, and they’ll name the planet after you.

5. The big punchline in the last 10 seconds will make you want to dig up Bob Denver’s corpse, hollow out his head, and smoke crack out of his eye socket. UGHHH….

Now, as a bonus non-cartoon freak out, I’ll go ahead and post my Radiohead video my buddy Nick uploaded. Pack one tight and listen to this true story: We had a listening party for Radiohead’s Hail to the Thief in 2003 (I know, I know…equal parts pretentious and retarded). Instead of staring at our feet, I popped in some videotapes at random so we could look at something while listening. I put in the movie Apocalypse Snow, a bargain bin skiing movie, when “Sit Down, Stand Up” began and just let it roll. It matched up perfectly. This YouTube video is largely untouched from how we witnessed it, with some hyperactive editing bits thrown in at the end by my buddy Nick. And get this: the video is 4:20 LONG. Well…4:24. But STILL. COINCIDENCE?!? And not a single person was stoned out of their gourds when we first saw this. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be: Happy pothead day, potheads.

Now here’s a premise I can get behind: Gary Coleman, except dead.

 So, wait… all Gary Coleman has to do is pleasure himself and he returns from the dead? At this rate, he’ll never stay in the grave! BLAST!

Yep, there is something you didn’t think you’d see when you woke up today: a masturbating Gary Coleman angel. Thank you for coming to my website. There’s a comment card on the nightstand. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Ok, ok…FINE. One more time. And slooower, just for the ladies.

Yesterday was Earth Day and as you may have noticed, there was no new post on the website. Not because I just “couldn’t get around to it,” but because I was extremely busy turning on all the lights in my house, spraying aerosol cans out my window, and burning leaves in the backyard. That’s right, I miss burning leaves like crazy: My neighbors had a burn barrel and they used to do it all the time, and we would throw open the windows and just let it roll on in. There’s nothing like that smell and that smoke wafting across your eyeballs… so screw you, screw this “go green” catchphrase crap, and screw Captain Planet: his cartoon sucks now, it sucked then. No kids liked this show. If they did, their parents were probably the kind of people that made them turn off the water while they were brushing their teeth. Me? I like the sound of water running while I’m brushing my teeth. Remember when Earth Day first came out, and everybody made relentless fun of it? Apparently, I’m the only person left who remembers that.

Check out Captain Planet’s awesome mirror-opposites. Now THESE are some guys I’d like to burn leaves and throw cans out the window with.

Hells yeah…I want a “Deforestation Ring.” But how are these “Pollution Powers” bad, exactly? 

1. “Super Radiation”—you could totally use that on cancer. Not so bad.

2. “Deforestation”—not a way to pollute. Unless you’re polluting parking lots with all those useless saplings.

3. “Smog”—What’s the big deal? In the nineties, Smog was short for “S’Mores and POGS.” Who would argue with hot S’Mores and a fun, quick-paced game of POGS, everyone’s favorite collectible milkcap game (apologies to Slammer Jammers)? Give me that ring and let the good times materialize!

4. “Artic”?—I can’t tell what he’s saying with that stupid rag on his mouth.

5. “Hate”—Yes, hate. what an awful pollutant. I say it’s the fuel of the future. Imagine how many miles to the gallon Ray Liota’s car would get!! The sound’s pretty bad though, she also might be saying “Paint.” As in “that evil Mauve jumpsuit color that makes your stomach queasy.” That’s pretty evil, I guess.

And now, here’s Not-Fensler doing a Not-Fensler-Films version of those GI Joe spots, with Captain Planet. It’s a’ight.

My friend Joe and I were talking about cartoons that scared the living shit out of us when we were kids, and I was hoping to hear some of your stories. I had the misfortune of stopping on an animated segment of Creepshow when I was young, and assuming the whole movie must be for kids because cartoons were the green-light for “kid friendly.” Big Mistake.

“Hey, Creepshow! Must be a great animated film…I’ll keep watching.”

“I’ll have to admit, I’m a bit surprised that I’ve just ruined my childhood.”

So post your stories! The winners will get a nice box of terrifying crap from me. Here’s one that apparently scared my friend Joe, a cartoon called “Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night.” I’ve never seen it, but the guy posting it lists this as “the scariest scene,” so clearly someone else has been traumatized by this gem.

While we’re on the subject of cartoons that terrified us as children (please, I implore you: enter the contest. There’s one entry for god’s sake. your odds are pretty good.), I think it’s safe to say every child crapped themselves on the inside (which is shortly followed by the inevitable actual pants-crapping) when they see Claymation for the first time: it’s unnatural, it’s jerky, it sometimes involves large raisins playing saxophones. I remember catching this Mark Twain cartoon on TV when I was a child before it was banned altogether for sending most 6-year-olds screaming into rubber rooms for the rest of their lives. I’m sure you have too. If you haven’t, your memories of Mark Twain still include occasionally-racist rafting journeys down the Mississippi. For the rest of us, the Mysterious Stranger (not to be confused with the Phantom Stranger) ranks right up there with Phanto, the flying mask/key-stealing hellbeast from Super Mario 2. Oh, except he’s an Angel named Satan. Goof Troop it’s not.

Shown: one-way ticket to tears-land.

Stay tuned, because this week I’ll announce the winner of the Most Terrifying Childhood Cartoon contest. Feel free to scroll down to the post and keep those entries coming…Or even write them over 4 separate, novel-length posts, like friend of the site Friginator! Your posts are one of the main reasons I keep the site up, I love all you guys who hang out here. Some of you, like previous contest winner and all around good guy Jeff Sparkman, even sent me one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen: The ABC Pac-Man Preview. And just let me say, over the next 4-5 weeks, you guys are in for a special treat…kind of like that free ice cream you get after a brutal dentist appointment. There are a million things to observe in horror on this tape that make me a little sad to have a Pac-Man tattoo. Ok, a lot sad. Here’s a taste:

Yes, it’s going to be a good couple of weeks. Henry Winkler stops by to no one’s joy, Dick Clark berates some more kids in his patented dickish manner, kids feign enthusiasm for a Laverne and Shirley cartoon, Pac-Man’s legacy is defecated upon and shat out in pellet form…

All this, and I’ll even leave the eighties commercials on this VHS gem in tact.

Picture this: you’re 8 years old, and the best day of your life is about to begin. It’s a hot Burbank day, and you’ve waited in line with your mom all morning because you’re going to attend a television show taping! And not just any taping, it’s the PAC-MAN SATURDAY MORNING PREVIEW. That’s right, the Golden God himself has put his chomp chomp chomp of approval on ABC’s Saturday morning lineup. Your Ocean Pacific shorts immediately pop their first pup tent.

It hits you: YOU are going to witness this sneak preview before anyone else in the world. There are no cell phone cameras. There are no security guys with night vision anti-piracy cameras, or nerds saying “meh” on message boards afterwards. You don’t even know what the word “meh” means yet, nor have you yet grown to hate the lukewarm, three letter, impressed-by-nothing phrase that will come to define every smug asshole with a keyboard and nothing interesting to contribute.

And…oh my god…it’s being filmed on the American Bandstand set, Studio B! Not because this show isn’t important enough to warrant it’s own special set, but because DICK CLARK is hosting and this is his house where he sleeps!

The first thing that happens is that Dick Clark tells the kid next to you to shut his goddamn yap before the show even starts. That’s cool, because that kid was going to be trouble anyway. You could tell. So what’s the first show we’re going to see, premiered for you and you alone? Omigod, the anticipation.

Well, it’s…”Laverne & Shirley with The Fonz.” Or “Laverne and Shirley with Special Guest Star The Fonz.” Or “Mork & Mindy/Laverne & Shirley/The Fonz Hour.” It’s one of those, as you’ll find out 20 years later nursing your nostalgia wounds on IMDB.com.  But that’s what they’re calling it, for real. Really? Ok, they’re starting small. But…Holy god with a title that complicated, it must be good. Why else would they drag these characters you’ve never heard of from beyond the sitcom grave?

And, what’s this? Fonz is in the studio! The man who invented jumping the shark is here! And there’s an irritating guy with him, voicing a dog called “Cool”! So THIS is how cartoons are voiced! So THIS is how careers are undone! So THIS is what the phrase “Sniff Out the Pork” sounds like coming out of Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli’s mouth!

Ok, that was probably the worst thing you’ve ever seen, but you’ll clap because there’s GOT to be something better coming. Everyone else is laughing. Are you supposed to be laughing? We were promised Pac-Man, right? Dick Clark is now looking right at you. You’re not clapping hard enough. Oh man…he can tell…holy crap please don’t come over here…

These are cartoons…they’re supposed to make kids happy…this is the world premeire show…so how come when you watch this cartoon spectacle unfold, all you can think about is THIS?

And there’s an entire hour of the Dick Clark cartoon spectacular left? Oh momma momma…why didn’t you warn me!?!?

If you were to have a swine flu fever-dream in 1983, it might look something like the following clip.

First of all, Dick Clark somehow can’t NOT be a douche no matter how hard he tries. It’s bad enough that these kids have to go along with this awful charade of pretending they know who Laverne and Shirley are, and are expected to muster the energy (spoiler: they don’t) to shout out the name of a cartoon show based on these two past-their-prime sitcom characters. Get to the Snorks, Dick.

And then Dick has the balls to put down an audience member who has the gall to mention Santa Claus as a potential Laverne and Shirley guest star. He almost seems insulted, or like he’s dealing with a heckler at the Funny Bone. “No..that’s just…you’re wrong. REAL wrong. effin’kids i oughta effin’ beat you with those cue cards…” I mean, what in the hell were they supposed to say? Is it outside the realm of possibility that on a desperate and sad cartoon like Laverne and Shirley that Santa Claus wouldn’t show up?

The next deer-in-the-headlines victim of Dick’s constant prodding gets it close by saying “Squealy,” probably meaning Squiggy—which is a great guess for a girl who has never heard of Laverne and Shirley—and Dick Clark mercillously sweeps the leg and goes in for the kill. In Dick Clark’s defense, there is a slight difference between Squiggy and Squealy.

Luckily, someone had the forethought to tape over the next couple seconds of the Pac-Man Saturday Morning Preview with something called SUPER TV, which—sadly—runs its course and is out of my life before i have time to pick up the phone and order what appeared to be the greatest thing I have ever f—king seen in my life. “I can get ‘On Golden Pond’ AND perm porn? Surely, this Super TV can’t be for real!!!”

Then it’s back to the Fonz, wishing he were sticking his head in an active volcano right.

Check out this bored-to-tears moppet, the female Froggy from Our Gang, staring into the void and dutifully answering Dick’s asinine question lest she get put right in her goddamned place by theageless man with the microphone. Oh, how I love her. She speaks for all of us…she seems to be saying, “Kill me…kill me…kill me…kill me…”

First things first: Why don’t you celebrate Cinco De Mayo the way Jesus intended.

SOOO…Jeff Sparkman, the kind fellow who sent me this little gold mine we call The Pac-Man Saturday Morning Preview, pretty much sums up the following clip in one of his posts:

“While watching the Mork and Mindy cartoon, my 5-year-old got up, and told me, ‘This isn’t very good,’ and walked away.”

Once again, Dick Clark offers up a couple of clues but before he can lambaste the children for guessing incorrectly, Orson—the booming voice from Mork & Mindy, a television program these children are all very well versed in—lays the smackdown on Dick. That’s Ralph James, bitch—the recognizable voiceover artist also behind the eighties Spider-Man’s Dr. Doom, and several other things I don’t feel like IMDB-ing.

It’s such a hilarious and interesting bit, that Orson is allowed to just prattle on while poor Dick and the children have nothing to do. One child decides to hand Dick Clark his popcorn, and then immediately takes it back. This unscripted move by this rogue, outside-the-box-method-acting-Johnny seems to tick Dick Clark off, because he doesn’t so much as mouth a “thank you” before gripping the popcorn coldly and looking away as if something that f—ing weird didn’t just happen.

After 1:15 seconds, when the cartoon starts, you’re on your own. These are waters even a doe-eyed 5-year-old won’t dip her toes into. The minute Mork begins yelling at a bowl of fruit and dishing out onion puns, my eyeballs dripped out of my head like runny egg whites.

Also, IMDB claims Robin Williams actually did the voice for this cartoon. I’m not convinced. But I’m not strong enough to give it a good, critical listen. Perhaps you should let me know in the comments section.

[PS: The Winners of the Freak-Out Friday Contest have been decided! Your prizes are being boxed up, and winners will be announced t'morrow!]

Sorry for the late post, but here are your Freak-Out Friday Winners! Each of you should email me your addy or look me up on Facebook (under the moniker “Chris Ward”) to receive your WORST PRIZES EVER Gift Box! You won’t be disappointed. The first winner is none other than Friginator. How could I not give this guy a box of free crap? His entry was ridiculously long, for starters, but very entertaining. I once wrote a 600 word panegyric to Willie Aames from Charles in Charge, so I’m not one to point fingers at verbose web comment entries. Here’s the cartoon that scared him most as a child. He is apparently a giant pussy.

Also, I want to send a box of free crap to Rock Ripsnort. A.) for having the coolest Ninja Turtle villain name that never was and, B.) for making me want to find some episodes of Chuck Jones’ Curiosity Shop, which isn’t on DVD. I couldn’t track  down the cartoon that scared him, but this is pretty much all I need to see.

Got my favorite comment this week under one of the many Dick Clark posts:

Stupid. Not funny, just boringly stupid. Not really having a good time around here, so I’m moving on. -Bored To Tears

Yeah, well the jerkstore called and they’re runnin’ outta YOU! I’m intrigued by the man/woman/cretin who “hangs around” a website like a bar that’s closed hours ago and won’t leave, and apparently doesn’t understand the concept of “surfing” the internet (but rather camps in one spot), but now that the dickweeds have wandered off, I can share with the cool kids table another clip from the Dick Clark Saturday Morning Bore-a-Rama. This one simply has Shaggy giving Scooby the Scooby Shocker. His real prize is ending up with his head directly up the Great Dane’s butt. INCONVENIENT! 

Boringly stupid, indeed

Your mother went through months of agony and tears, and years of raising your sorry ass, and this is how you repay her? Happy Mother’s Day, I guess. In the comments, please lets try to figure out what in the hell Napoleon is saying here, gosh!

I meant to re-post this a while back from Jerry Beck’s Cartoon Brew site, because I think it’s so damn cool. Did you know Itchy and Scratchy were not that inspired by Tom and Jerry, but rather a less memorable and more bizarrely violent cartoon called Herman and Katnip? Yep, it’s true. Here’s what Jerry, who hosts the Worst Cartoons DVD with awesome insights just like this one, has to say:

By the 1950s, the writers at Paramount’s Famous Studios were suffering from cartoon fatigue — endlessly rewriting and redrawing the same tired stories for Popeye, Casper, Baby Huey et al. for years on end. The Herman and Katnip pictures were pure cat-chasing-mice opuses, which were by now running on auto-pilot, and got progressively more and more violent as the years went by…

Embedded below is the last 90 seconds from Mouseum (1956) which features my all-time favorite bad-taste ending. I love it. It makes me laugh because of how wrong it is. By this time, the animators had really lost all perspective. 

 

Check out the whole post at Cartoon Brew, and pick up the D-V-D here! It’s like BlueRay, but with fewer letters!

THIS is the kind of retched horse-flop that defines this website: The “Bearobics: Fun and Games for Teddy Bears” video. Watch it now before these bears are law-raped by Barry Gibbs copyright enforcing d–k.

Holy Kodiak Jesus, where to begin? For instance, “What the f–k are ‘honey cookies’”? How tight a vice did they get on the narrator’s balls to make him utter those Mickey-Mouse-by-way-of-Satan utterances? “DO DISCO TEDDY BEAR”?…How long have these guys been hanging out with Harmony Heart? Why the LONG ASS PAUSE at the beginning? Why is the cover of this VHS printed on laser jet glossy paper and taped to the box?

One thing’s for sure, this is like watching a Power Point presentation by Walt Disney’s sweetly retarded son, Dolt Disney.

Furthermore, the back cover promises:

1. “a unique combination of the latest computer graphic effects and video editing techniques.” (READ: it’s like watching a screen saver on its slooooowest Windows 3.1 setting.)

2. The point of the video is to engage the viewer so there are “no more passive Saturday mornings watching cartoons.” So they want you TO BUY A CARTOON SO YOUR KID CAN PASSIVELY WATCH IT. Because it goes on to say “Make up your own games and exercises, or just sit back and enjoy this entertaining adventure.” IE: SIT PASSIVELY BACK AND WATCH THIS CARTOON EVEN THOUGH WE SAID NOT TO, STUPID MOTHERFALCONS!!! GAHHH!!!!

Ok, ok…I’ll come clean. I secretly think I love this tape, and I also not-so-secretly think I’m the only one in the world who has a copy. Thank you Family Video VHS Clearance Sale! You can guarantee more videos from this tape are coming in the next week or so.

When I lived in New York, my friends and I would get in constant fights about what to call Pop. I call Pepsi pop. They call Pepsi Soda. In the South, they call Pepsi “Coke.” As in “I’ll have a Coke. Oh, what kind? A Pepsi.” It’s the linguistic argument of our time. Pepsi’s even been catering to the Midwest—with disingenuousness as clear as Crystal Pepsi—with a series of signs exploiting our fair slang. They’re both clever, and borderline insulting.

Left to Right: Ok, “Pop,” yes. We call it that. And “Sody Pop”? Really? They’re fixin’ to put up a Sody Pop sign down by the crick bed what for ta’ advertise us with? Unbelievable.

But at a local gas station today, I finally had to admit to myself that the use of the word “pop” isn’t always a good choice. As this cartoon logo, with it’s “X-Treme sun splorch ‘toon guy” (I hope that’s what it is) joins the ranks of the Midwest gas chain “Kum N’ Go” as an unfortunate use of slogans. I shall never think of Pop the same way again. Thanks for ruining my most preferred folksy colloquialism, Road Ranger.