At the risk of being branded, two posts in, a cartoon site dealing primarily in masturbation (see: Texas Jack) and pedophilia humor, let me assure new readers that we will only delve into these subjects 54.4% of the time. Do the math: that’s under half the time.
Internet trolls and felons will already be familiar with the weird internet phenomenon of Pedo-Bear, the immoral, Dateline-baiting, child-stalking cartoon bear. Unlike most of the sweaty hires wandering around Disney World in oversized duck heads grabbing yours truly, at least Pedo Bear is up front about it.
So maybe that’s why I did a triple take when I ran across THIS at a local hospital…Jump for the surprise!
Yes, it’s…ahem…”Burney Bear.” But we know who’s really in that suit. Another bear, that’s who. How else can you explain someone trying to get away with with a southbound pointed arrow commanding you to “drop” between his plushy thighs? We’re trying to get away from the fire pal, not start a new one.
And check out all the fun you can have inside this coloring book with Pedo Be…err, Burney Bear!
Yeah. The, umm, “fire hydrant.” It’s funny how all I really want to do is run from that bear, take two hard rights, and launch myself into the inescapable, flesh-searing fire pit instead. Even more twisted is how easy, insulting even, it is to get to the spurting phallus below. “Maze” my ass. (”I’d LOVE to!” said Burney Bear, when reached for comment).
Sweet merciful Jesus, are you kidding me?!?! Now we have trapped children crawling towards puckered, basketball-esque starfish, as Burney Bear—who has just set the house ablaze and locked all the exits—looks on. “Do Not Hide, Someone Might Not Find You!” Hmm…so your options are getting the attention of a molestation-driven bear, or quietly dying in a fire? I fail to see what choice there actually is in this matter.
And, finally, in a slightly less graceful manner than Freddy Krueger, Burney Bear meets his demise…or does he? Also, why are his knees suddenly erupting into flame? Actually, let’s not explore that one. Some mysteries are best left between Burney Bear, his knees, and an impartial jury of his peers (stuffed Unicorns, plush Mandrakes, that sort of thing) hearing his case.
SHOWN: “Burney Bear in: Death by Snicker Snag.” Check listings.
Feel free to re-caption these pages and send them my way, I’ll run the funniest one in a future post and send a Worst Cartoons Ever DVD to the winner! The untalented among you can simply purchase it like a real man.
Chriiiis…did you draw the Burney Bear comic? Come on, fess up.
Someone might not be able to find you. Oh my word, it’s disturbing.
Comment by Justin — January 6, 2009 @ 4:09 pm
Dear god, I’m crying here.
Comment by Gary — January 6, 2009 @ 4:20 pm
The spinning burning bear looks like he’s about to pull a sweet move off on a Ninja Turtle.
Comment by Jesse — January 6, 2009 @ 5:57 pm
The knees burning symbolizes Burney’s conflict between desire and action. He may be able to come to terms with the desire, but acting on it still troubles his stuffed mind.
Comment by Daymage — January 6, 2009 @ 8:27 pm
Man, I WISH I drew that coloring book. there’s a pretty mean picture of Burney holding a hose that looks suggestive…but it didn’t make the cut.
Comment by Chris Ward — January 6, 2009 @ 9:20 pm
Chris,
You lunkhead, you missed the whole point of the maze, man! This coloring book is designed to teach children that the best way to get to a fire hydrant is always to run straight, and then turn right!
Important safety tips, Ward! You don’t want kids wandering into a burning building, do you? DO YOU?
Also, it teaches children than when a six-foot tall anthropomorphic bear asks you to help him “find the fire hydrant,” “plug in his hose” or “turn on the waterworks”, you should do exactly as he says.
And never tell your mom.
- Boomer
Comment by Boomer — January 7, 2009 @ 3:55 am
The bear was just on fire. He was on FIRE. But…now he rolled around a bit and look…he’s smiling. Forget about the burn marks and the painful skin grafting (fur grafting?) that awaits. He’s rollin! Wooo-Hooo! F#!k fire, Let’s Roll!
Comment by Dan — January 7, 2009 @ 11:17 am
Remember when Aerosmith’s drummer caught his arm on fire while filling his Ferrari with gas? Them’s was some funny flames.
Comment by Jesse — January 11, 2009 @ 2:51 pm
I hear there’s a Burney Bear cartoon in the works, with Gary Glitter doing the theme song.
Comment by Barry — March 10, 2009 @ 12:54 am
mmh lolis on fire is not good
Comment by Pedo Bear — September 17, 2010 @ 4:00 pm