My boy Jesse sent this videotape over to Worst Cartoons HQ, and I immediately punched the postman in the face. He thanked me. What you’re about to see is a “bonus feature” tacked on to the end of the Computer Warriors Pilot Episode (the only episode ever created), created to tie into the 1989-1990 toyline. Since it’s nearly as long as Stairway to Heaven, and only mildly more irritating, I’ll list the highlights after the jump!

00:01 The whole premise of this video is a kid rapping to his dad about how rad the Computer Warriors are, and how he should invest all his stock in the pilot episode. But I suspect it’s only so the author of this rap could rhyme things with “dad” (rad, bad, glad, sad and, most importantly, fad).

00:31 The Computer Warriors were kind of rad, in that they could “upload” themselves into any consumer product, turning it into a killing machine…something China has been working on for years now. But they spent all their rad street cred in the pilot, when you see a Pepsi can unfold into a laser cannon every six shameless seconds. What’s next, a Mountain Dew machine that turns into a Transformer? Oh, right. Thank you, Michael Bay. In fact, the entire Transformers movie kind of stole its ideas from Computer Warriors, now that I think about it.

00:50 Bobcat Goldthwait, call your lawyer

01:21 “So what do you guys want me to do?”
“Just act silly. What do you do when you act silly around the office?”
“I stick my head through this chair. I’m kind of known for it. It looks like the chair is giving birth. See?”
“Yeah just do that.”

01:24 Janice is full of beans today

01:28 goddamned Pepsi cannon again

01:31 “They got the go, from the Kroyers, said ‘Now we’ll do Computer Warrriorrrss!”

Worst attempt at a rhyme since Kid Rock put pen to paper and decided “trying different things” and “smoking funny things” was good enough for him.

Shown: The Kroyers, who disapproved of the word “voyeur” being rhymed with their good name, instead of “warriors.”

01:37 “Yeah, mom…just pick up the phone and say, ‘Good Morning, Kroyer films.’ We need it to seem like we have an office and day-to-day operations, even though the stock footage of a high-rise office should sell it. And we brought our laundry over. Thanks, mom.”

01:52 If there was ever an argument for YouTube to offer a way to make parts of videos loop endlessly, it would be this woman going “Abbi-di, Abbi-di, Abbi-di.”

01:57 No joke here, just look at the size of that fucking floppy disc. I could place a ham sandwich on it, carry it in the living room, sit down, and watch something besides Computer Warriors.

02:19 unless you haven’t gotten the gist yet that KROYER FILMS made this and the KROYERS made it all possible and BILL KROYER wears the Tennessee Top-hat in the family, here’s another reminder. Also, this is my favorite rhyme in the entire thing. It’s so sad: “Bill Kroyer runs the company, he’s an Academy Award nominee!” Why not add, “Bill Kroyer has nine testicles, he won the Jury prize at Fantafestival!” That’s also true.

I looked it up and Bill Kroyer was indeed nominated in 1988. He was robbed, if you ask me. The animated short that won that year was called “Tin Toy,” by something called Pixar.

“Pixar? What the &%#$ is a PIXAR? Does the Academy know who it’s messing with here? I’m BILL MOTHER-TRUCKING KROYER?! I directed Fern Gully! Rabble Rabble Rabble!!”

03:12 Here’s a short, condescending section belittling the way cartoons used to be made. “Make a mistake? Gotta erase it, time you lose, whole day’s wasted! Aww, TOO BAD.” Remember, the Nineties were all about “attitude,” and the Oughts are all about “snark” and “air-quotes.” It’s easy to get them confused. Funny how we look at this video now and say, “That’s how animation used to be, BASIC programming tediously/get a magnet near your floppy, it’ll erase it, kill yourself  cause your whole year’s wasted. AWW, TOO BAD!”

03:38 “If I’m going to fund this cartoon, I want to do a comedy skit in the rap” “Anything you say boss.”
“The twist is, I’m actually ripping the drawing and ruining Betty’s day. It’s Meta.”
“Sure thing, Mr. Kroyer.”

03:40 This is about the time my organs start allocating extra blood to my brain to keep it alive.

03:52 Kid rhymes “computer” with “neuter.” And not even that, but the sentence goes “…and render all your programs neuter.” Holy shit, I want to die.

04:46 Inspector Gadget villain, call your lawyer

06:01 Wow, why do I feel like drinking a Pepsi for the third time in this 6 minute rap?

06:08 You’ve gotta be kidding me