There’s a store down the street called “Travellin’ Treasures.” If that weren’t awful enough, it’s got a big, dumpy looking mural of cartoon fish on the outside that looks like it was painted by angry, property-value hating retards.

With a facade like that, you know it’s the kind of place where you’re either walking out with a Scarface bong, or video of Jason Priestley, at the height of his career, conversing about gun control with a cartoon eagle. Because I already own all manner of priceless Scarface memoribilia (including the Spencer’s Gift limited edition Rubik’s Cube. Great for starting a party out right, am I wrong?!), I opted for the video.

“Oh, hello there! You’ve caught me sorting the hell out of 244 episodes worth of behind-the-scenes Ian Ziering slides, as I am wont to do, while perched on a chair. Come right in folks.”

What’s the coolest thing about the NRA? Shooting the shit out of shit, that’s what. I’m not kidding. Until you’ve shot beer bottles without a shirt on in the middle of nowhere, don’t act like you’re too cool for school…

For all the NRA’s posturing about gun safety and all that, I now know it’s all a bunch of BS to make sure no one takes away their precious gun and beer bottle excursions. And I don’t blame Ted Nugent one bit.

So instead of Jason Priestley blasting a watermelon at point blank and screaming…

“MOTHERFUCKERS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR HEAD!! DIDN’T I SAY? DIDN’T I SAY WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS WITH GUNS?!?”

…which works just fine, in my experience. Instead, they kick the video off with #1 and #2, respectively, on the NRA Excite-O-Meter: a Jazz For Pussies CD and looking at picture slides. Wow…Priestley’s got that same pensive face for every occasion: Brenda’s pregnant, these picture slides need sorted, Love Monkey is canceled…

Jason really phones it in with a Mark-Paul Gosselaar-inspired reading here. Listen to the way he says “A real hero I’d say.” I expect Belding to walk in and yell “Hey, hey, hey, HEY! WHAT is going ON here?!?” And if that’s not Cam Clark, TV’s Leonardo, doing the Eddie Eagle voice, than it’s a damn good ripoff.

But one thing’s for sure. Jason Priestley is the new human face for the Eagle face of the NRA. No one, but no one is going to take this moment away from him. “Nobody’s going to replace THIS pretty face with some arbitrary voiceover bullshit. NO ONE!”

Well, maybe someone. Proving even JP isn’t cool enough to remain the face of cool forever (that honor belongs to Spencer from The Hills), the video has been tweaked  for today’s kids. I don’t have the data to back it up, but I’d bargain to say that without that Brandon Walsh cooing in kids’ ears about gun safety, they’ll ignore the new lady altogether and gun crimes are likely up by 9000%

To be continued with….”Stop, Don’t Touch, Leave the Area, Call an Adult!” or, “Pissing Off Everyone Around You in Gun-Song Form.”