My buddy Wernowsky and I worked a double for old man Peterson today (who had the balls to ask us to move pallets to the north end of the warehouse on the advice of some third-party logistics provider. As you’ll recall, we store all the galddamn pallets without RFID tags on that end! That kind of shit may fly at TradeBeam but not around here).

SO, we finally punch out, git down to the ATM  ‘fore it closes (the ATMs are open ’til 10 here) for a roll of quarters (the ATMs round here dispense rolls of quarters, on account of the sheer demand), stand in line behind some sumbitch who lost his PIN Number or something, and finally head up to the Shop N’ Drink to start the weekend the way we’ve done EVERY Friday for 10 years: Scooby-Doo tattoos and peanut butter.

Peanut Butter’s all recalled, which gits Kris to cryin’. And then this sends us both over the edge..

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Yep, that tears it…I think I’m-a murder somebody.

When we last checked in with Jason Priestley, he was showing kids how not to blow their brains out. Everybody’s gonna be like Fonzie. And what’s Fonzie like? He’s cool. We’re allll gonna be cool.

This is the video where we learn, because Eddie Eagle was “born with those Eagle Eyes,” that “before long, Eddie was in charge the entire gun safety department.” Makes sense to me. I was born with “those human ears,” you don’t see me running the CIA’s wiretap program. The fact is, you don’t get to where Eddie the Eagle got to without killing a whole lot of people on the way up, and I think Jason Priestley’s glossed over some of the darker years.

But since we’re suspending disbelief, lets just go with the fact that Grandma keeps a loaded gun in her attic, where the one-kid-per-ethnicity at a time gets to rifle around in her stuff (pun intended! Hy-yuk!) and suggestively stroke grandma’s baseball bat. I guess the only thing we can all agree on is that Eddie is a nosy little bitch. And if he’s looking for trouble in my attic, he’s got the map. A great big, red, flashing map right on top of his head.

Stick with this…I’ve actually edited it for sanity. You’ll be singing this song later when you run across your Step-Uncle’s “Big Beautiful Women” DVD collection.

Yep. This country is pretty much awesome.

There’s a store down the street called “Travellin’ Treasures.” If that weren’t awful enough, it’s got a big, dumpy looking mural of cartoon fish on the outside that looks like it was painted by angry, property-value hating retards.

With a facade like that, you know it’s the kind of place where you’re either walking out with a Scarface bong, or video of Jason Priestley, at the height of his career, conversing about gun control with a cartoon eagle. Because I already own all manner of priceless Scarface memoribilia (including the Spencer’s Gift limited edition Rubik’s Cube. Great for starting a party out right, am I wrong?!), I opted for the video.

“Oh, hello there! You’ve caught me sorting the hell out of 244 episodes worth of behind-the-scenes Ian Ziering slides, as I am wont to do, while perched on a chair. Come right in folks.”

What’s the coolest thing about the NRA? Shooting the shit out of shit, that’s what. I’m not kidding. Until you’ve shot beer bottles without a shirt on in the middle of nowhere, don’t act like you’re too cool for school…
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I have spoken too soon about the lack of Super President footage at my disposal. Today I received an annual package of DVDs from my friend (and ex-professor who got me into writing in the first place) Mr. John Dodd. John is legend in my circle of friends, because he has a massive collection of hard to find movies that will either make you vomit, or choke from laughing up your own vomit. Look for more Super President footage soon, as well as Rocket Robin Hood and more…it doesn’t disappoint. Because I’m using clips legally for review purposes, no lawyers should be able to take them down. In theory.

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Shown: Not Space Ghost.

Google searches for “Super President” have no doubt spiked since Obama’s inauguration. Probably because I’m the only one currently searching for more footage of a forgotten about, crappy 1960s cartoon that was deemed tasteless in the wake of Kennedy’s assassination. I don’t understand why…it’s just a cartoon about an invincible, bullet-proof, “bring ‘em on” kind of Commander in Chief. Nothing harmful could come of that. His powers are kind of awesome. He can change his molecular structure “to steel! to granite! Or whatever the need requires!” Yep, that means he can turn himself into plot-hole filling grout. He even hides his secret identity as president to get secret missions done that would never be approved by the House and Senate! Nixon said it best, “When the Super President does it, it’s not Super Illegal.”

NBC has the rights tied up (I think) and deletes online video postings of the show (well…except for this), so about the only place you can catch Super-Pres is on the Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale to your right! No, your other right! Here’s Jerry’s take: