If Frodo liked it, then he shoulda put a ring on it. A magic, evil, invisibility-powered ring. Thanks to my buddy Dave for digging this up!

My boy Jesse sent this videotape over to Worst Cartoons HQ, and I immediately punched the postman in the face. He thanked me. What you’re about to see is a “bonus feature” tacked on to the end of the Computer Warriors Pilot Episode (the only episode ever created), created to tie into the 1989-1990 toyline. Since it’s nearly as long as Stairway to Heaven, and only mildly more irritating, I’ll list the highlights after the jump!

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At the risk of being branded, two posts in, a cartoon site dealing primarily in masturbation (see: Texas Jack) and pedophilia humor, let me assure new readers that we will only delve into these subjects 54.4% of the time. Do the math: that’s under half the time.

Internet trolls and felons will  already be familiar with the weird internet phenomenon of Pedo-Bear, the immoral, Dateline-baiting, child-stalking cartoon bear. Unlike most of the sweaty hires wandering around Disney World in oversized duck heads grabbing yours truly, at least Pedo Bear is up front about it.

So maybe that’s why I did a triple take when I ran across THIS at a local hospital…Jump for the surprise! (more…)

I’ve been asked many a question by my cartoon heroes—adorable bon mots like “What’s up, Doc?” “Ain’t I a stinker?” and “What does man actually know about himself?” (Warner Bros’ “Lil’ Nietzsche,” 1941). But it took the likes of animator Sam Singer’s Texas Jack (available on the fabulously awful Worst Cartoons Ever DVD for sale here, WINK WINK WINK WINK WINK!), to really dig deep and ask what is, potentially, the most important question of all time:

You heard right, children: “Have you ever seen a Texas Jack-Off with a bucket of water, and not spill a drop?”

Now, I’ve seen things in my life I’m not proud of. I’ve seen high paid talents from  major comic book companies stare at the flabby ass of a stripper, waiting for the secrets of the universe to reveal themselves (true story). I’ve walked in on a startled punk rocker taking a dump on the floor and sticking a little American flag in the top (true story). I’ve even seen someone leave a pair of sweatpants in a Laundromat with a sign that says “Free!” next to them (Ok…I made that up. That’s too crazy to imagine! I mean, the audacity!)

But no, I have never seen a rabbit rub one out whilst holding a bucket of water, and not spill a drop.

No, I can’t even imagine the skill and balance involved in committing such a heinous act. But when you’re Texas Jack—having walked off cliffs, survived Bugs Bunny “cease and desist” letters and perfected the most irritating, non-Southern sounding rabbit-voice to man—what’s left to do, exactly? Play with your yambag while holding a bucket, that’s what. Stay classy, Texas Jack.