There’s two things you need to know about this piece of crap Super President video.

Number One: the kidnapped Vice President’s name is Jerry Sayles, which you would think lends itself to an awesome arsenal of bad cartoon puns at the evil Steel Man’s disposal, because it’s pronounced “Sales”. Instead, Steel Man just confuses the entire scene by saying “Sayles will die.” And sales don’t die, they decline. And no one at this point knows what in the hell anyone else is talking about, because the robot should have said “It will be the death of a SAYLES, man! Bwah ha ha, Super President!”

Two: Super President’s deduction skills are total bullshit. Wait…”Deduction.” That rhymes with “reduction.” My grandmother, a chef, made a wonderful balsamic reduction drizzle for her seared scallops. She cooked it while listening to Lawrence Welk. He had a great band. That’s it! Super President’s deduction skills are GREAT! I knew I was getting somewhere…

I don’t know…Obama’s speech last night was inspiring and all, but it lacked a certain…I’m not sure. Grooviness? Yeah, that’s probably it. People have been clamoring for this clip for a while, from the ill-fated cartoon Super President: a 1967 cartoon that presupposes kids might be interested in the Commander-In-Chief as an indestructible superhero; one who has the power to turn into steel, granite, “or whatever the need requires.” Wow…nice loophole. That’s, like, George Bush’s dream phrase right there.

Also, his “power was born in a cosmic storm.” I’m not sure how or why this guy found himself in a cosmic storm in Washington DC, but his newfound, awesome power led to James Norcross (not to be confused with Grover Norquist) to want to be President (naturally), where he traded flying across the galaxy and kicking Electric Monsters in the nuts for things like the Iowa Caucus and line item vetos.

Did I mention this was all in the wake of the Kennedy assassination? That’s like unleashing “Budgy, the Unstoppable Space Shuttle!” a year after the Challenger explosion. This clip is one of Jerry Beck’s more popular snippets from his Comic Con appearances, and it’s clear to see why.

The Yum Yums, in addition to being the most irritating cartoon spawn I’ve seen to date (yes, including Texas Jack) are also under the incorrect assumption that as long as you act cute, your actions won’t be perceived as the most dickish things in the entire universe. In fact, their amplified by words like “Peppy-Mint” and “jiffy.” Try to stomach this clip as long as you can.

And now, Worst Cartoons Ever Theatre presents another episode of “The Worsties. In this short, a moral examination of the butterfly situation, as told via another awful, awful, cheap-ass cartoon.

It seems appropriate to make the worst cartoons ever in order to discuss the worst cartoons ever, and my buddy Justin “JoJo” Young has shown me the light.

In the first episode of this occasional exercise, I congratulate Casey, the contest winner of The Johnny Cypher Theme Song contest via a dramatic reading of his Lyrics by terrible, terrible web cartoon characters (one of which, I think, may be Tobias Funke). You might want to check that out first, to get up to speed.

Casey’s lyrics: In the future/Out of nowhere/On the Rainbow-gina spaceman!/
Little dyin’, and adventure/May tomorrow’s world a better place!/Men like Johnny, Johnny’s sideburns/He’s a farting mentioned hero! Johnny’s lipstick and terrific/Johnny’s died here in this mansion zero!

So, without further ado, “The Worsties in: Casey’s Song.”

Pencils down! The Johnny Cypher Theme Song Contest is Over! Winner gets a free Worst Cartoons Ever DVD (for sale on the right, $10! Cheap!) But, first, a clip that must be a favorite of Robert Smigel’s. Johnny Cypher saves the day by busting though a brick wall, but totally needs a ladder to complete the job. I don’t know why, but it kills me ever time when he dashes off camera and then strolls back on screen with it… I just can’t believe the only thing standing between Earth’s total destruction and its salvation was an Ace Hardware, aluminum step-ladder.

Ok, enough ballyhoo…hit the jump for the contest winners, you meddling fools! They’re getting away! (more…)