Shown: Froggy Asswipes. Available at Stop N’ Shop, and wherever children’s nightmares are purchased.

Your kid’s favorite cartoon characters love wiping their cartoon asses—I mean really getting in there—and they want everyone to know it, and to see it. Up close. In disturbing detail. For whatever reason, it seems like cartoon ass-wiping has reached a fever pitch not seen since the banned 1932 Merry Melodies short “A Spit Shinin’ Where the Good Lord Split Ya!”.

I first brought your attention to the Poo Humidifier, but our man Jerry Beck (he of the Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale here, and the much more respectable Cartoon Brew featuring 40% less poo jokes) recently ruminated on the Winnie the Pooh rectal thermometer. Oh bother.

Jerry also has a great deal to say about the Spongebob “Bikini Bottom” rectal thermometer, which lives in your pineapple under the sea. Add this to the aforementioned Froggy Asswipes that have mysteriously disappeared from my supermarket. Hmm, wonder why? At least there’s a rival Monkey Wiping Ass product on the market, complete with Flash Animation of Monkey Wiping Ass online.

Shown: Future topic of therapy session on parental neglect and/or “Wipe front to back if you know where it’s at!”

More unclean cartoon rectums after the flush…err, jump.

And, because I have to mention it, I’m still reeling that the execs at Charmin took it upon themselves to take the world’s most famous rhetorical question and answer with a resounding. “Yes, a bear does shit in the woods…along with his son, who would like to loudly announce that he’s going to need A LOT of toilet paper for the giant steamer he’s about to give birth to on the forest floor.”

Finally, I think this incredible video puts it all into perspective: a real-life supermarket conversation where dad poses the question every father eventually asks his son: “Do you want to wipe your butt like a frog, or a monkey?” Neither is sure.