I can’t think of a better way to close out the week than with one of the most irritating songs I’ve ever heard, the Care Bear clone “Yum Yums”—created by Hallmark to promote an equally irritating toyline. Eighties girl’s cartoons were trying to out-cute each other for years, and this one took it to nauseatingly saccharine heights that would even give cupcakes diabetes: I mean, really, water skiiing on Pepto Bismol? Dickish squirt flowers? Cookie Hollywood Squares?

And, good god, if you have diabetes yourself, then please tell me what to make of this when you saw it as a kid.

There is no IMDB listing for this cartoon so I will assume everyone involved is being tortured at an undisclosed location. Oh, and the Johnny Cypher Big Contest winner will be announced Monday, so be sure to enter before then!

For proof of Johnny Cypher’s badass space cred, look no further than his hard-rockin’ theme song—which tests the manliest limits of your tiny, vulnerable ear bones with its castrated choir of Jupiter space eunuchs!

It’s bad-assssss…and not just because it starts out exactly the same as Speed Racer’s. (And, for the record, that’s how I like my cartoons at 7 AM on Saturday morning…with jarring, flight-of-the-bumblebee horns right in my ear.)

SO, All you gotta do to win a free Worst Cartoons Ever DVD (retail value of $10! Hell, pick one up from the sidebar to your right!) is tell me what in the hell the kids are singing in this song. Apparently, no one told them not to SCREAM DIRECTLY INTO THE MIC. Remember, I’m not looking for the actual lyrics, I want the lyrics as you hear them.

God, this song is irritating. But I’m pretty sure this is what they are singing….My interpretation of the lyrics after the jump!: (more…)

Ever wonder where Stephen Colbert liberally borrows his Tek Jansen characters from? Just check out this ungodly 1967 toon called Johnny Cypher in Dimension Zero, which Jerry Beck cites as one of the first American/Anime hybrids. I’ve got an episode from my buddy John Dodd, and I guarantee you won’t ever see Stephen Colbert thwart a giant, man-goo spurting skeet planet. Well, maybe. Actually, I’m not ruling it out. I’ve got more Johnny Cypher coming (easy…settle down) this week, but I’ve just gotta show this clip first.

How should I set this up…Well, you see, the bad guys shoot this giant bullet into this asteroid that…well, just watch for yourself. And it’s pretty disturbing how familiar the guy in this clip finds the, umm, substance. Not to mention that the mysterious space skeet disintegrates any testicles—I mean PEACHES, those are clearly PEACHES—within range.

Shown: Froggy Asswipes. Available at Stop N’ Shop, and wherever children’s nightmares are purchased.

Your kid’s favorite cartoon characters love wiping their cartoon asses—I mean really getting in there—and they want everyone to know it, and to see it. Up close. In disturbing detail. For whatever reason, it seems like cartoon ass-wiping has reached a fever pitch not seen since the banned 1932 Merry Melodies short “A Spit Shinin’ Where the Good Lord Split Ya!”.

I first brought your attention to the Poo Humidifier, but our man Jerry Beck (he of the Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale here, and the much more respectable Cartoon Brew featuring 40% less poo jokes) recently ruminated on the Winnie the Pooh rectal thermometer. Oh bother.

Jerry also has a great deal to say about the Spongebob “Bikini Bottom” rectal thermometer, which lives in your pineapple under the sea. Add this to the aforementioned Froggy Asswipes that have mysteriously disappeared from my supermarket. Hmm, wonder why? At least there’s a rival Monkey Wiping Ass product on the market, complete with Flash Animation of Monkey Wiping Ass online.

Shown: Future topic of therapy session on parental neglect and/or “Wipe front to back if you know where it’s at!”

More unclean cartoon rectums after the flush…err, jump.

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Thought we were done with the Magic Lollipop Adventure? Not by a long shot. This is the clip I have the hardest time watching…it’s like American History X meets Puff the Magic Dragon. And here’s why I hate it:

1. I am extremely bothered by the idea of front teeth hitting pavement, and this extends to animated dragons and cartoon rocks. And the way he flips himself end over end would make his teeth snap off and…I just can’t talk about this anymore.

2. I can’t believe what a retarded cow the princess is. Of COURSE “thinking of a bridge” only works in the forest of mirrors, you pink troglodyte. Thank god the dragon makes her look like an idiot. The next thing you know, she’ll be trying to purify the Giant Magic Lollipop by sprinkling gumdrops on it. The King is pretty goddamn clear on how to purify the Giant Magic Lollipop, and any idiot can understand this simple process.

3. The way the dragon asks “did you say bridge?” immediately after he was just talking to her about bridges. I think all those magic lollipops affected his short term memory in profound ways.

4. The blatant Back to the Future theme rip off at 00:27. Works when Doc Brown connects the clock tower power cord at the exact moment the lightning strikes…not so much when a flamboyant dutch boy is pissing his pants in joy over the chance to skip across a dragon’s back.