Wormy Noel is a kid I’ve really come to love, because he introduces every single Just For Kids cartoon, such as Maxie’s World and The Magic Lollipop Adventure. And he does it every time in his own awkward, wormy, germ-filled way. Kid’s this age smell like Cool Ranch Doritos and B.O., and Noel is no exception. I’m following this up with a music video from the Magic Lollipop Adventure (the only song in existence to rip off Saved By the Bell’s “Friends Forever” by Zack Attack) because, hey, I love you all. And I totally missed a post yesterday. Whatever, check your the tracking on your internet, it was probably your fault.

 And this….

And the song it rips off…

HAPPY NOEL-ENTINE’S DAY, EVERYONE! And remember, there’s no better gift to say “I’m sorry I didn’t get you a gift” than the cheap, cheap Worst Cartoons Ever DVD. Only 10 bucks! Tell ‘em Noel sent you.

A lot of people have already told me how utterly bat-shit insane ”The Magic Lollipop Adventure” looks based on the clips I’ve shown this week, and how they actually want to see it now. Listen to me very carefully: these are fruits you must never taste.

Never pursue viewing the Magic Lollipop Adventure, even if you’re in the Lollipop Guild. Really? You still want to see it? Then your other favorite hobby must be sorting through tax receipts, or having a professional glass blower inflate 1900 degrees of molten glass right up your pooper. To those people, this video is for you: the entire Magic Lollipop Adventure whittled down to one mind-numbing minute.

Where I’m from, it’s not soda, it’s pop. And though the Associate Press Style Guide has yet to confirm this for me definitively, I maintain that ”sodi pop” is also acceptable.

Also, a lollipop doesn’t exist, It’s a sucker. But my wife found out the hard way that when you ask a kid “do you want a sucker?” on the East Coast you’re bound to get nasty, pregnant stares from everyone, followed by the Fox 5 Problem Solvers who show up at your door to escort you back to the land of Dairy Queen, Iowa.

So, please, someone tell me what in sam scratch this muttering, slobbering King from “The Magic Sucker…I mean, Lollipop Adventure” is blathering about, and why the guy voicing him decides—even though he clearly starts laughing off at :20 when the ridiculousness of what he’s saying really sinks in—to keep this take. Because I have no idea what a lollipop is, or why the word bears repeating 80 times in 50 seconds, or why the “Water purified by the giant lollipop” is better. One thing is certain: this was written by balls high writers, intended for a balls high audience.

It’s a good thing THIS is the King’s not-so-terrifying enemy, or a military coup/lollipop disembowelment would be imminent for this tum-tum pounding candy-ass.

A while back, Topless Robot had a contest detailing the worst supervillain world domination plan ever. They are 100% correct in deciding that Transformers Episode #51—in which “Starscream and Soundwave create a nightclub called ‘Dancitron’ to hypnotize humans into slaves”—is the worst villain plot of all time.

I now give you the gayest world domination plot. Not that there’s anything wrong with th…wait, who am I kidding. There is something wrong with this. Get used to clips from The Magic Lollipop Adventure, because I’m going to be debuting  several gems from this sucker all week.

In celebration of dropping our Worst Cartoons Ever DVD price to $10, I figured it was time to bring our first-ever Worst Cartoon Ever contest to a close. But first, a quick word about the DVD for sale in the sidebar to your right…

…It’s only 10 clams now! That’s as cheap as fast food for two (with nearly the same amount of intestinal unrest)! Who needs a ShamWow when our DVD—packed with extras and quality transfers of the worst cartoons ever made with Jerry Beck presiding—is only 10 Dollars! Just listen to my horrible salesman cat, won’t you?

Please add one to your cart for me, and then find out the Fan-Picked Worst Cartoon Ever Made and the winner of a Worst Cartoons Ever DVD after the jump! (more…)