“Don’t start no shit, there wouldn’t be no shit.” Now there’s a rap lyric Rocket Robin Hood should have taken to heart before touching his long, dull, sparky sword to a dinosaur’s tail, setting it off in a blind rage. Rocket Robin Hood’s next plan is to wave the sword around at its tail, which is about as scary as Keifer Sutherland’s twin sister:

Whoa, ho ho! Allllll aboard for Tranny Town! Come to think of it, that’s pretty effing scary compared to this. Where else does Team Robin Hood go wrong?

1. Coming to Planet Lucifer in the first place and not expecting to tango with death.

2. Playing Dead by laying under the dinosaur’s tail.

3. Not hiring a real monster, but instead having a real person making a “RRRRR!” sound  at 00:33

4. Little John practically hanging his Lil’ John straight out the skirt when bending down by his fallen partner’s face.

This may not seem like an outright awful cliffhanger to Rocket Robin Hood (it’s Robin Hood…in space!) until you realize the utter hypocrisy and lie at its core.

“A prehistoric monster was not part of that plan” to save Maid Marion and Friar Tuck? I call BULLSHIT. Why? Because, in this episode, Robin Hood is also imprisoned but escapes waaaayy before his friends do. And instead of walking ONE DOOR OVER and freeing his girlfriend and his fat, celibate friend and getting the hell out of there, Rocket Robin Hood and Little John sneak out of the compound and fly to PLANET LUCIFER first.

And why would you fly to Planet effing Lucifer first instead of just saving the day? Well, to capture a hairy ape creature, dress it like Maid Marion, do an old switcheroo, and trick the Sheriff’s “sti-uuuuuupid” son into marrying the ape. That’s his plan: To bring a little merriment while saving his friends lives, and possibly make Little John bend over. And since Planet Lucifer houses all the horrors you would think a planet named after Satan himself would have, I find it hard to believe that a giant dragon wouldn’t end up being part of this dumbass plan.

So the point I’m getting at is this: Rocket Robin Hood is an asshole. And that goes double for his narrator.

I’m 28 today, and it’s time to look back, reflect and take stock of…aww, f–k that. Here’s awful cartoons!

And this video is so great, that you almost don’t notice  the girl to the kid’s right doing…whatever it is she’s doing with her hand under the table. Happy Birthday indeed!

Remember…it’d be really nice of you to buy one of the Worst Cartoons DVDs, cheap as hell, right here on this site. What else do you get a 28 year old living in the past?

Human Teeth: is there anything more horrible?* I don’t like my teeth. I don’t like a lot of other people’s teeth. People with good teeth? Suck it. I hate those people too. They’re painful, dirty, breakable little things and they most certainly don’t belong in cartoons (unless its Robert Smigel’s mouth coming out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face on Conan). But here they are, in lieu of animated mouths, in the amazingly bad CAPTAIN FATHOM: RUSTLERS OF THE SEA RANGE. You can see the whole episode on the Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale here! My birthday is Friday, and what better gift to me than to buy my fabulously cheap and entertaining collection of crud. But, for now, become witness to the horror that is Animated Molars and the boring, BORING conversation that whistles through them. Also, apparently they can’t afford real bird sound effects.

*Human Teeth inside a dog’s mouth, perhaps

And, of course, here’s Clutch Cargo…

In a blatant attempt to one-up Rocket Robin Hood’s foppish wish for “merriment and sweet amusement,” Little John utters something unlike I’ve never, ever, ever heard in a cartoon. It’s not even like the Texas Jack clip, where I’m pretty sure he’s saying something else. Little John totally just said what you think he said. His “joke” doesn’t even make sense in any non-dirty context it was presumably intended for! As fodder for a snarky cartoon site, Rocket Robin Hood lobs softballs. I don’t even have to do any work here.

There’s a lot more of Little John coming this week right here on the site. Also, I didn’t mean that like it sounded.