A while back, I detailed the gayest evil villain plot ever.  I know that only sounds like I’m throwing around the word “gay” as a nasty, Maxim-style fratboy pejorative, but I beg of you: how would you describe a man who tries to take over the world with lollipops? Even my gay friends are at a loss. 

This video may edge it out. It’s from the Yum Yums, which I’m sure you’ll remember. Let’s break it down:

1. The plan begins with a hearty jizz drizzle over their giant gumball machine, where a mix between a syphilitic elephant and Edward G. Robinson’s retarded brother wants to “take some bounce out of the boys and girls fuuuuun, seee? Where’s your Messiah now, Yum Yums? Seeeee?”

2. The “Mayor,” who looks like something Howie Mandell shat out in Little Monsters, has the winning evil plan: “The kids will HATE this ride…UNLESS THEY LIKE RIDING BACKWARDS!” Great plan, dickcheese. But what if they DO like riding backwards? Some rides, like the Batman coaster, are built for that very, quite-fun purpose. Why not just bake them some cupcakes? They’ll HATE those cupcakes…unless they LIKE those cupcakes! Bwah ha ha ha ha HA!

3. “We only have to mess up the Popcorn Train and the Donut Dunk and we’re done!” Yeah…Those already sound pretty messed up. Better call it a day, boys.

4. “They’ll never fix it in time without their Magic Tool Box!” Yeah, because those rides use a Peppermint Metric system, and it’s a real bitch to find a 3/4″ Metric Flare Licorice-Wrench with Cinnamon Coating once you lose it. You’re gonna want a Gumdrop Hose Coupling too, or the whole things in the crapper. I mean, I can probably get one in by next week but…it’s no guarantee.