So I get a text message from my friend today that is both the most horrible and wonderful text message I’ve ever received. Names will be withheld due to the sensitive nature of the subject:
“Dude…My brother got a piece of undigested bacon lodged in his scrotum!”
Immediately, all the blood in my brain rushed to my Anterior Laugh Muscle, the strongest and most deadly muscle in my body, sending me into a berserker coma. When I awoke, I had to get details. Here’s all I know.
It was from a Subway sandwich…it somehow didn’t digest properly and worked it’s way down there. The doctor had to cut it out! he’s fine now. I’ll call to get details.
First things first: He’ll never be “fine” again. Never again will he eat smoked meats without imagining them traveling down his throat, defiantly taking the off-ramp by his stomach that says “BRIDGE OUT,” crashing through that wall Smokey and the Bandit style, and leading all major blood cells on a Thelma and Louise chase that ends with a painful dive into Scrotum Gulch.
I’m a worrier. I come from a family of worriers. Not once have I worried that bacon that goes down my throat may end up in my balls. Now it’s all I can think about. I don’t know whether to give up bacon, or Subway, or just solid foods in general.
“What’s all this have to do with cartoons,” you ask? Here’s a Porky Pig short to keep us on topic. It’s got bacon and cursing rolled into one…just like my friend’s brother experienced first hand.
That’s a terrible, terrible place to get bacon lodged.
Comment by AC — March 19, 2009 @ 9:05 am
Not many people can claim to have had bacon in their ballsack; I’d say this kid has the first chapter of his memoirs all but written.
Comment by Jerry Reed's Son — March 19, 2009 @ 11:55 am
Aside from obvious jokes about bacon and eggs, how does that even happen? It disproves darwinism on several different levels.
Comment by Friginator — March 19, 2009 @ 12:52 pm
Good God, how DOES that even happen? My entire world view has turned upside-down and there is no “Do not want” image macro big enough.
Comment by Kingdom Gallbladders — March 19, 2009 @ 3:39 pm
Dear god, what were his symptoms? Did his ejaculate taste like Sizzlean? Because I’m having that exact same problem.
Comment by Gary — March 19, 2009 @ 11:50 pm
How on the good Lord’s green, fertile earth did that happen? Was I skipping class the day the lesbian biology teacher went over vessels connecting the stomach to the scrotum? Did the thing get into his bloodstream?
Comment by Casey — March 22, 2009 @ 9:05 pm
Fun fact: Vanilla Ice sampled that Porky Pig blooper on his sophomore album.
Of course, all his albums were sophomoric.
Comment by Brendan McGinley — March 25, 2009 @ 9:14 pm
This experience also makes me wonder — where would a stray piece of bacon end up in a WOMAN?
Comment by Delia Jean Streefkerk — June 11, 2010 @ 8:44 pm