Do you want the bad news first, or the bad news? Robin Williams heart surgery went just fine. That’s not the bad news. I’m not a total bastard. Here’s the bad news:

“His heart is strong and he will have normal heart function in the coming weeks with no limitations on what he’ll be able to do,” said Dr. Marc Gillinov, a cardiothoracic surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic. “A couple of hours after surgery, he was entertaining the medical team and making us all laugh.”

Did you hear that? NO Limitations. He might do a “Hip Hop Voice” and then go right into his “John Wayne.” He might yell “Praissse the Lord I have SEEN the LI-GHT!” in that lispy preacher voice and then go right back into his “Hip Hop Voice.” Then, he might do his “Hip Hop Voice.” There’s just no  limit to what Robin fucking Williams can do.

Oh, to be there in that hospital room after he woke up! To see him grab some bloody gauze off his own operating table, put it on his nose ala Patch Adams, and delight the entire medical operating theater. To see him do improv comedy with his own Amiodarone drip and Lactated Ringers IV! It all sounds just wonderful. I can only hope Billy Crystal will undergo major arterioplasty soon so we can hear of those post-op shenanigans as well. I hear after every surgery, Billy kneels on one knee and goes “Tah-Dah!” with his hands out to the sides. It’s showbiz tradition.

“I got some great new material for the tour and can’t wait to get back on the road,” Williams said in Monday’s news release. “I’m thinking the next leg of the tour will be ‘Weapons of Self-Destruction and Reconstruction!’”

Heh.

Sigh.

And here’s the other bad news: someone preserved a copy of this awful, awful 1982 (1982!!!) Mork Cartoon (instead of destroying every piece of footage in existence) from one of the Worst Named/Worst Executed Ideas in the History of Animation: “The Mork and Mindy/Laverne & Shirley/Fonz Hour.” I’m not dicking around, that’s the actual title. They couldn’t even connect them all with a long ampersand. It has backslashes in it like it’s the shittiest website in existence.

Check it out! In the new ToyFare #141—the one with gummy Wolverine on the cover—you can find a most terrific plug for the website in the Hot Zone section! I mean Buzz Plate. I mean Hot Plate. You get the idea. So go pick up a copy, and then tell me you don’t also suddenly have the urge to start watching the Real World Brooklyn.

So I get a text message from my friend today that is both the most horrible and wonderful text message I’ve ever received. Names will be withheld due to the sensitive nature of the subject:

“Dude…My brother got a piece of undigested bacon lodged in his scrotum!”

Immediately, all the blood in my brain rushed to my Anterior Laugh Muscle, the strongest and most deadly muscle in my body, sending me into a berserker coma. When I awoke, I had to get details. Here’s all I know.

It was from a Subway sandwich…it somehow didn’t digest properly and worked it’s way down there. The doctor had to cut it out! he’s fine now. I’ll call to get details.

First things first: He’ll never be “fine” again. Never again will he eat smoked meats without imagining them traveling down his throat, defiantly taking the off-ramp by his stomach that says “BRIDGE OUT,” crashing through that wall Smokey and the Bandit style, and leading all major blood cells on a Thelma and Louise chase that ends with a painful dive into Scrotum Gulch.

I’m a worrier. I come from a family of worriers. Not once have I worried that bacon that goes down my throat may end up in my balls. Now it’s all I can think about. I don’t know whether to give up bacon, or Subway, or just solid foods in general.

“What’s all this have to do with cartoons,” you ask? Here’s a Porky Pig short to keep us on topic. It’s got bacon and cursing rolled into one…just like my friend’s brother experienced first hand.

Unlike this YouTube video which plays the entire 10 minute Tubby the Tuba Puppetoon Short (God help you if you watch it), my Tubby the Tuba re-edit has been removed from YouTube “due to copyright violations” by “Arnold Leibovit Entertainment.” Even though I have to expect this kind of thing, the claim is, of course, is bullshit.  I’ve never broken a law in my life.

My Tubby Tuba video use falls under Fair Use laws, and any first year Broadcasting Major from Rats Ass Community College can tell you that. But the video in my post still works if you go there…even though it doesn’t work at YouTube Proper anymore. Weird. But I’ll leave it alone for now. Because YouTube shoots first and asks questions later (removes your video and then makes you prove why it shouldn’t have through a lengthy and boring pissing-match with the so-called copyright holder of my 30 second parody-law protected goof video), I’ll just have to set a precedent with Chris Ward v. Tubby Tuba.

Also, MTV recently contacted me to air my crazy-successful Jesus Blows Up the Earth video (kids love the Jesus) for a new show they’re putting out in May where they…I’m not sure. Put other people’s YouTube videos on TV? Anyway, and I was happy to oblige until I saw their contract would have me claiming I owned 100% of that video. I don’t know why MTV assumed I owned the video, since it’s one of several online. Seems kind of reckless of them, considering it would have been my ass if someone like, oh, Jesus’ Evil World Destroying Lawyers came calling. And, for the record, our foremost animation expert Jerry Beck has “no idea” where Jesus Blows Up The Earth originally came from.  The fact that he doesn’t know, actually kind of scares me a little bit. Now I’ll have to assume that cartoon has always been, and always will be: the Alpha and Omega of shitty propaganda cartoons.

I’m Irish. I hate corn beef and cabbage, I hate green beer, and I hate green vomit in my goddamned city streets. But in honor of my dear departed grandmother’s birthday today, and to all the faithfully departed, here are some shitty St. Patrick’s Day cartoons. Don’t enjoy!

1. The Very First Ever Lucky Charms Commercial: animated by Peanut’s Bill Melendez. Why in the hell do they bother trotting out each individual marshmallow and announcing “pink hearts, green clovers!” on a black and white TV?!?!?

It’s interesting that “Lucky” endures to this day, but this mascot never did. Hmm….

Alright you mick bastards, follow the rainbow for even more!
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