Imagine my surprise when I pooped this tape into a VCR and was greeted by a Clip Art Space Mr. Bill  with a reeeeeally loudly overdubbed voice whisked me into his little corner of the vaccum of space. That’s not a typo, by the way—I did not “pop” this tape into the VCR. Now imagine my surprise when that thing announced it had a name: Harmony Heart. Terrifying, isn’t it? “HOW YA DOIN’ OUT THERE?” But he doesn’t give us time to answer. My answer would have been, “I had been doing fine, until a dark portion of my life from Epcot’s ‘Captain E.O.’ ride decided to track me into the future and greet me once more.”

On first glance, he’s sort of gingerbread man who has apparently discovered David Bowie late in life and—by the look on his face—dark, 52nd Street theatre houses playing movies like “Anus the Menace.” My God…it’s full of stars. But I’ll tell you one thing: I felt compelled to drop everything I was doing to sing along with Harmony Heart, and it was eventually my honor to mangle grammar with him.

It’s Friday, and I think I will open up all of the doors today, my friends. I have all the keys. All I need is a track in the background. I will come fun learning with this man. And just look what kind of come fun learning adventures you’re going to come fun learn! Sonny and Cher! The Train of…Caipiro? Umm…white kids dressed like indians…hey, what in the hell kind of fun learning is this anyway, you educational rainbow creature? Well, we’ve come this far. There’s no turning back. I can’t think of a better way to spend Friday the 13th.

Postscript: When he says “FUNNNN LEARNING!” all I can think of is TV’s Frank from Mystery Science Theater bellowing “DEEEEP HURTING!” In truth, they are the same.

A while back, I detailed the gayest evil villain plot ever.  I know that only sounds like I’m throwing around the word “gay” as a nasty, Maxim-style fratboy pejorative, but I beg of you: how would you describe a man who tries to take over the world with lollipops? Even my gay friends are at a loss. 

This video may edge it out. It’s from the Yum Yums, which I’m sure you’ll remember. Let’s break it down:

1. The plan begins with a hearty jizz drizzle over their giant gumball machine, where a mix between a syphilitic elephant and Edward G. Robinson’s retarded brother wants to “take some bounce out of the boys and girls fuuuuun, seee? Where’s your Messiah now, Yum Yums? Seeeee?”

2. The “Mayor,” who looks like something Howie Mandell shat out in Little Monsters, has the winning evil plan: “The kids will HATE this ride…UNLESS THEY LIKE RIDING BACKWARDS!” Great plan, dickcheese. But what if they DO like riding backwards? Some rides, like the Batman coaster, are built for that very, quite-fun purpose. Why not just bake them some cupcakes? They’ll HATE those cupcakes…unless they LIKE those cupcakes! Bwah ha ha ha ha HA!

3. “We only have to mess up the Popcorn Train and the Donut Dunk and we’re done!” Yeah…Those already sound pretty messed up. Better call it a day, boys.

4. “They’ll never fix it in time without their Magic Tool Box!” Yeah, because those rides use a Peppermint Metric system, and it’s a real bitch to find a 3/4″ Metric Flare Licorice-Wrench with Cinnamon Coating once you lose it. You’re gonna want a Gumdrop Hose Coupling too, or the whole things in the crapper. I mean, I can probably get one in by next week but…it’s no guarantee.

There’s something I like about this clip, which is very subtle in the ways that it’s completely batshit insane. Maybe it’s the casualness and upbeat voice with which the Train Mouse (you remember him…he tells great stories) discusses his friend’s parents dying, and that “she moved in with US!” Yippee! Neat-O! Hip Hip Hoora…wait. What the…how what when what where what the hell? Highly disturbing. Listen to it a few times. It gets creepier, even by “disease spreading sewer vermin” standards.

The whole slow, awfully paced and terribly animated scene with the cat makes me feel: nauseous, depressed, sad for the cat, sad that I have to listen to the weird gurgling sounds the cat makes, weepy for listening to the voice actor sound like a high pitched giggling tit-face, and sad that the cat doesn’t cut their eyeballs out with razor-precision. Let’s not mince words: I WANT THESE MICE TO DIE, SO BAD. Or at least one of them to die, so the other can inexplicably run off to move in with his friends. Yippee!

If there were a way to replay the noise Super President’s doughy sidekick makes right before Steel Man punches him in the face, over and over on an endless loop, I think I would be the happiest person alive. It’s kind of like “HOO GEET!” or “HOON GLEEK!” I’m sure his voice directions were great:

Director: Ok Jerry, in this scene, Steel Man—who is clearly not a man by any stretch—walks into the “inpenatrable base.” He does this by walking through the open door. Then, he punches you in the jaw, not killing you instantly. You need to make a noise that captures this.

Voice Actor: How about, Hoon Geet?

Director: Hmm…”Hoon Geet.” I like it, but maybe give me something in a “Hool Jeet.” Oh, hell, you’re the actor: Hoon Geet it is.

Voice Actor: Then what should I say?

Director: Oh nothing. Then we have this scene where the unstoppable Steel Man—who could snap a man like a Baked Lays with his bare hands and is immune to bullets—well, he’s gonna get scared off by a dinging bell, after going to all the trouble of breaking into the place.

By the way, if you think the phrase “You were wrong, Sales,” is just bad grammar, you probably need to watch this post first.

Thanks to SqueezeBot for the video tip!
That sound you hear is Alan Moore throwing up in his beard and praying to his Snake Jesus to please make it all stop. Parody doesn’t get much better than this nineties bastardization of the sacred cow Watchmen. Had Watchmen been written by Eastman & Laird, there’s a pretty damn good chance this show would have actually aired. I’m crossing my fingers that it still does, if not to see Rorschach yell “Cowabunga!” while breaking a dude’s pinky. And, if we’re really lucky…

My buddy Ryan has the best ideas: My PhotoShop skills are limited, so send your own versions of a Watchmen Adventures comic my way (ie: comment and post a link to it) and I’ll pick the best, and send you a Worst Cartoons Junk Swag Surprise Box! You’re gonna love my junk.