Yesterday was Earth Day and as you may have noticed, there was no new post on the website. Not because I just “couldn’t get around to it,” but because I was extremely busy turning on all the lights in my house, spraying aerosol cans out my window, and burning leaves in the backyard. That’s right, I miss burning leaves like crazy: My neighbors had a burn barrel and they used to do it all the time, and we would throw open the windows and just let it roll on in. There’s nothing like that smell and that smoke wafting across your eyeballs… so screw you, screw this “go green” catchphrase crap, and screw Captain Planet: his cartoon sucks now, it sucked then. No kids liked this show. If they did, their parents were probably the kind of people that made them turn off the water while they were brushing their teeth. Me? I like the sound of water running while I’m brushing my teeth. Remember when Earth Day first came out, and everybody made relentless fun of it? Apparently, I’m the only person left who remembers that.
Check out Captain Planet’s awesome mirror-opposites. Now THESE are some guys I’d like to burn leaves and throw cans out the window with.
Hells yeah…I want a “Deforestation Ring.” But how are these “Pollution Powers” bad, exactly?
1. “Super Radiation”—you could totally use that on cancer. Not so bad.
2. “Deforestation”—not a way to pollute. Unless you’re polluting parking lots with all those useless saplings.
3. “Smog”—What’s the big deal? In the nineties, Smog was short for “S’Mores and POGS.” Who would argue with hot S’Mores and a fun, quick-paced game of POGS, everyone’s favorite collectible milkcap game (apologies to Slammer Jammers)? Give me that ring and let the good times materialize!
4. “Artic”?—I can’t tell what he’s saying with that stupid rag on his mouth.
5. “Hate”—Yes, hate. what an awful pollutant. I say it’s the fuel of the future. Imagine how many miles to the gallon Ray Liota’s car would get!! The sound’s pretty bad though, she also might be saying “Paint.” As in “that evil Mauve jumpsuit color that makes your stomach queasy.” That’s pretty evil, I guess.
And now, here’s Not-Fensler doing a Not-Fensler-Films version of those GI Joe spots, with Captain Planet. It’s a’ight.
Did anyone ever actually feel inspired to help the environment when they watched Captain Planet as a kid? Sure, I saved energy when I turned the tv off, but that wasn’t because my role model was a prick with a green mullet.
Comment by Friginator — April 23, 2009 @ 1:13 pm
The fourth evil element there was Toxics. I had to look it up, but I’d guessed it’d be something along the lines of ‘toxic waste’, since it had to be the evil counterpart of Water by deduction.
Comment by BiggerJ — May 1, 2009 @ 4:35 am
This is the worst cartoon ever. Nothing but left-winged propaganda shoved down your throat. I bet Al Gore was involved in the making of this cartoon.
Comment by Rashad — May 4, 2009 @ 2:09 am
Not Al Gore, someone worse.
Ted Turner.
This is a guy who donated billions to the UN of all things. You know, rather than using that money to, say, breathe life into shattered 3rd World economies. Surely an entity like the UN would NEVER think of embezzling that money in shockingly appalling corruption!
To this day, Turner is convinced that Captain Planet was instrumental in saving the world.
You know what they say: there’s one thing the same between the very powerful and the very stupid; they don’t change their views to fit the facts, they change the facts to fit their views.
Guess which Ted Turner is!
Comment by STD — June 13, 2009 @ 10:00 am
CAPTIAN PLANET LEFT-WING PROPEGANDA WHY ELSE IS THE RUSSIAN BITCH THE LEADER AND PRODUCED BY RED TED TURNER
Comment by Birdzilla — September 5, 2009 @ 8:55 pm
Oh yes all that kilowatt hours of electricy burned up and wasted while watching a bunch of brats a false deity and some blue skinned freak in his underware fighting aganist mutants representing capitalists
Comment by Birdzilla — September 21, 2009 @ 4:59 pm
Wtf was up with his mullet anyways? Who puts a mullet on a “superhero” ?? boomerang’s gotten into the habit of running all day marathons of Captaijn planet during Earth day. Oh I remember making fun of Earth Day. It’s a bunch of crap… still is… I’m all for being greener but let’s not do it without thinking about it, let’s commercialize it instead!
Comment by Dana — November 8, 2009 @ 8:01 pm
force feed that blue skinned SOB to the INVISIBLE MONSTER from JOHNNY QUEST and let it consume that socialists pig
Comment by Birdzilla — January 21, 2010 @ 12:27 am
Tie him in the middle on a road and have all the WACKY RACERS run over him
Comment by King Condor — February 25, 2010 @ 4:36 pm
OMFG! I went all nostalgic one night and ordered Season One and Two of Captain Planet and the Planeteers! While suffering through a terrible thunderstorm and not stupid enough to turn on the computer, I plucked a photo album off the shelf and what greets me when I open it?
A great big full page picture of my child hood bedroom in it’s former glory!
Dear GOD my mom LOVED this show so much that the next day- the blue retard as my husband calls him aired on Sunday nights from 6-7 P.M.-immediately drove us to the nearest Big Lots Store and began clearing out the last remnants of the Captain Planet Bedroom Design!
Imagine your friends coming over for the weekend during the summer and having to explain that not only do you WATCH some blue weirdo in his skivvies being created from Earth,Fire, Wind,Water and what the FUCK?! HEART?!
But your parents TAPE it and have sent it to your teacher for the next year for Sixth Grade Environmental Studies! I just wanted to curl up and DIE when my friends seen my ‘new bedroom decor!’
Personally I wrote in one of my many Captain Planet Musing Journals ‘If Captain Planet is made up of four earthly elements: Earth,Fire,Wind and Water then what the friggin hell does HEART have to do with anything?! I’m lost! The more I watch this show the harder and harder it gets for me NOT to laugh at it!’ What DOES heart have to do with it?! Oooh! Oooh! I know! I know! I can talk to MONKEYS or any other animals by putting my ring to my forehead and saying ‘HEART!’ then I can hear the thoughts of the Animals! Whoo weee! If I wanted to talk to a monkey, the closet thing to an ape I had at the time was my brother!
Comment by Toby Flashblade — May 19, 2010 @ 3:47 am