Picture this: you’re 8 years old, and the best day of your life is about to begin. It’s a hot Burbank day, and you’ve waited in line with your mom all morning because you’re going to attend a television show taping! And not just any taping, it’s the PAC-MAN SATURDAY MORNING PREVIEW. That’s right, the Golden God himself has put his chomp chomp chomp of approval on ABC’s Saturday morning lineup. Your Ocean Pacific shorts immediately pop their first pup tent.

It hits you: YOU are going to witness this sneak preview before anyone else in the world. There are no cell phone cameras. There are no security guys with night vision anti-piracy cameras, or nerds saying “meh” on message boards afterwards. You don’t even know what the word “meh” means yet, nor have you yet grown to hate the lukewarm, three letter, impressed-by-nothing phrase that will come to define every smug asshole with a keyboard and nothing interesting to contribute.

And…oh my god…it’s being filmed on the American Bandstand set, Studio B! Not because this show isn’t important enough to warrant it’s own special set, but because DICK CLARK is hosting and this is his house where he sleeps!

The first thing that happens is that Dick Clark tells the kid next to you to shut his goddamn yap before the show even starts. That’s cool, because that kid was going to be trouble anyway. You could tell. So what’s the first show we’re going to see, premiered for you and you alone? Omigod, the anticipation.

Well, it’s…”Laverne & Shirley with The Fonz.” Or “Laverne and Shirley with Special Guest Star The Fonz.” Or “Mork & Mindy/Laverne & Shirley/The Fonz Hour.” It’s one of those, as you’ll find out 20 years later nursing your nostalgia wounds on IMDB.com.  But that’s what they’re calling it, for real. Really? Ok, they’re starting small. But…Holy god with a title that complicated, it must be good. Why else would they drag these characters you’ve never heard of from beyond the sitcom grave?

And, what’s this? Fonz is in the studio! The man who invented jumping the shark is here! And there’s an irritating guy with him, voicing a dog called “Cool”! So THIS is how cartoons are voiced! So THIS is how careers are undone! So THIS is what the phrase “Sniff Out the Pork” sounds like coming out of Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli’s mouth!

Ok, that was probably the worst thing you’ve ever seen, but you’ll clap because there’s GOT to be something better coming. Everyone else is laughing. Are you supposed to be laughing? We were promised Pac-Man, right? Dick Clark is now looking right at you. You’re not clapping hard enough. Oh man…he can tell…holy crap please don’t come over here…

These are cartoons…they’re supposed to make kids happy…this is the world premeire show…so how come when you watch this cartoon spectacle unfold, all you can think about is THIS?

And there’s an entire hour of the Dick Clark cartoon spectacular left? Oh momma momma…why didn’t you warn me!?!?