Now here’s a premise I can get behind: Gary Coleman, except dead.

 So, wait… all Gary Coleman has to do is pleasure himself and he returns from the dead? At this rate, he’ll never stay in the grave! BLAST!

Yep, there is something you didn’t think you’d see when you woke up today: a masturbating Gary Coleman angel. Thank you for coming to my website. There’s a comment card on the nightstand. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Ok, ok…FINE. One more time. And slooower, just for the ladies.

Happy 4/20, evil drug criminals and/or prescription-approved non-criminals! Yes, potheads love cartoons, and potheads loved fellow pot smoker Bob Denver. In fact, the lot of them must have gotten together and smoked about 3 bricks of stem-filled schwag to come up with an idea like “Gilligan’s Planet.”

It’s true I’ve never seen Gilligan’s Planet, but I’m putting my all money on “suck.” Here are some clues, gumshoes:

1. The original Mary Ann (Dawn Wells) does the voices for Mary Ann AND Ginger for this show, and they don’t even attempt to hide it in the credit sequence! I would love to have seen the cat fight between Dawn Wells and Tina Louise when Ginger found out what that bitch was up to.

2. Instead of sticking with one of the catchiest theme songs of all time and, I don’t know, changing the words to space-based bullshit, the cast is forced to sing-speak some blathering nonsense like “We’ve got a bra-nd new sto-ry, a-bout the cast-a-ways” and they can’t even keep on beat.

3. They have a banana powered, wooden spaceship that has no problem escaping the white-hot atmosphere.

4. The moral: F–k up royaly and ruin everyone’s life once, and they’ll name an island after you. F–k up royally a second time, ensuring everyone will most certainly die in space, and they’ll name the planet after you.

5. The big punchline in the last 10 seconds will make you want to dig up Bob Denver’s corpse, hollow out his head, and smoke crack out of his eye socket. UGHHH….

Now, as a bonus non-cartoon freak out, I’ll go ahead and post my Radiohead video my buddy Nick uploaded. Pack one tight and listen to this true story: We had a listening party for Radiohead’s Hail to the Thief in 2003 (I know, I know…equal parts pretentious and retarded). Instead of staring at our feet, I popped in some videotapes at random so we could look at something while listening. I put in the movie Apocalypse Snow, a bargain bin skiing movie, when “Sit Down, Stand Up” began and just let it roll. It matched up perfectly. This YouTube video is largely untouched from how we witnessed it, with some hyperactive editing bits thrown in at the end by my buddy Nick. And get this: the video is 4:20 LONG. Well…4:24. But STILL. COINCIDENCE?!? And not a single person was stoned out of their gourds when we first saw this. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be: Happy pothead day, potheads.

I’m pretty sure the furor over Twilight should have died down by now. I mean, look at this douchebag. Are girls really creaming their jeans over a PALER Conan O’ Brian?

And now the god-awful DVD is out, and I gotta hear about that all month until they next shitty movie begins production and Entertainment Weekly announces Spencer Pratt is playing Werewolf Jones or whatever the hell characters are in the next book. And I gotta have girls who are old-enough-to-goddamned-know-better asking me “You don’t know who Werewolf Jones is?” Just kill me now.

But, to ease my pain, I found a pretty awful cartoon that now instantly plays in my head whenever someone mentions Twilight. Don’t ask me how her butt is on her back.

Yes. “Shit Vampire.” Or, as I call him, Matthew Matthew McConaughey. Enjoy your Friday!

Oh man…this clip is short, but it gets funnier and funnier the more you watch it. Maybe it’s just me, but I cannot get enough of this clip. The creepy, human-mouthed mothers are back from Captain Fathom, and this is an exchange between villains—the Nazi Dominatrix shows up to the International Villains Meeting on the High Seas (or whatever) and is, like, 10 minutes late. The old guy is obsessed—OBSESSED, I say—with punctuality, as you’ll remember. She thinks she’s doing her token Hindu pal a favor, but totally throws him under the bus by accident. The look on his face? Most priceless thing ever. This round to you, old man. 

[Sigh...If only YouTube would freeze on the last frame instead of whisking you to some other shit no one cares about...I'm really starting to hate the new YouTube.]

Hey, it’s tax day! So it’s time to pay my dues, and I’d rather pay them to these fine folks. Make sure to pay them a visit.

Huge traffic spikes yesterday thanks to Jesus Loves the Racist Children getting some play over at Everything Is Terrible. Why not check out this incredible site and share the love. They’re good people, and you can see stuff like this

I have contest winner and faithful reader Jeff Sparkman to thank this week, who is sending me a box of cartoon crud in the mail. At his site, he posts the Spongebob Squarepants Burger King commercial that has some conservative talking heads up in arms for using kid’s cartoons in a “sexually suggestive” manner. Well, what do you think? Does it cross the line? Or, more importantly, isn’t the King suppposed to stay 50 ft away from children at all times? Don’t act like you don’t know why.

And remember, Willie says Pay Yo Taxes!