Check out this awesome video response to Little John Bends Over For No One! This oughta get your Tuesday morning bumping. And since I owe a shit-ton of money in taxes, I need the cheering up. Sure could use a few DVD SALES HINT HINT HINT HINT. You know, if you get the inkling.

The day after Easter is a special day: Jesus slashes prices on candy nationwide, and the remaining Marshmallow Peeps are returned to their families, spared a grisly microwave death and granted book deals to tell their amazing, harrowing tale of survival.

It’s also a day to reflect on some of the worst web cartoons I’ve ever seen, as people jump on the Easter bandwagon leading up to the big day. The last cartoon–and the most screwed-up idea I’ve ever seen–appear last because they are NSFW. That means Not Safe For Work, for those of you who actually work. Unless you work at the “talking breast ‘toon center,” then you should be fine.

1. Spanish Easter Bunny is in the Clink

I don’t speak Spanish, and neither do you, so let me translate this masterpiece. “Easter Day” is like America’s “Easter” except the Spaniards (is that politically correct? I’m sure it is. Why bother asking anyone) add the word “Day” to the end to differentiate it from “Dia de Los Easter,” which is in late October, translated as “Night of the Lepus.”

The story is this: In Germany, pink, penis-nosed rabbits invented the “terrifying shout into the computer microphone.” They are then hit by cabs, a holiday tradition. The steal eggs from Snowy Owls. The mole police arrive, speaking English (as they do), fart, declare “Don’t Make Hasty Decision” and worship their savior Luis Villafane Pinto.

2. Easter “Cartoon.”

Here’s a fun game, how many seconds of this video will you watch before you realize the creator has no idea what a “cartooon” is? Have fun.

3. “Hip Hop Easter Bunny”

There aren’t many things I hate more than “raps.” No, I’m not talking about rap. I’m talking about “raps.” Whether it’s a ironic ad campaign, a Looney Tunes ’90s revival marketing strategy, an old white lady being a “fish out of water” in a Chris Rock movie…I’d rather hear Clint Eastwood sing than see anything like this ever again. I don’t know who this humor is for. Toss in some of the worst 3D animation on the planet, and you’ve got a winner.

Plus, these assholes rhyme “basket” with “mascot,” which is not quite as annoying as when that country singer rhymed “Bin Laden” with “have you forgotten.” But it’s close.

OK. This is what you’ve been waiting for. The worst Easter Video, possibly the worst thing I’ve ever seen, is after the jump. Not safe for work, you’ve been warned. Not safe for the Unemployed either, as it will lead to a depressing shame spiral.

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I’m headed to Metropolis, IL this weekend—AKA the unsanctioned by DC Comics, depressing, 3 hours from nowhere, tourist trap fun spot with giant Superman statue—for the Harrah’s Casino Rock Band Tournament! Why? Because I’m hoping I’ll run into a chain smoking feeb with a Nick-At-Nite logo on his shirt and a Superman “Who never says yes to a cigarette” and talks with that voice your dickhead big brother uses when he repeats everything you say. That’s funny, the Superman I know might not smoke, but he would never not say “no” to things that kill probably kill you just as bad.

Actually, I’m going cause I’ll be doing a little video game reporting for my buddies Gary and Anton (and my occasional stomping grounds) over at Joystick Division, and Jesse “Junkstore” Thompson and I (you have him to thank for this) are getting free room and board for it. And we’re probably going to steal the road sign that says, I shit you not, “Lois Ln.” Best use of Google Earth to spot a pun from space ever.

But we’re not staying at Harrah’s. Oh no. The casino hotel is for high-rollers and dirty, cheating, sweetly retarded, card-counting bastard brothers of Tom Cruise. No, we’re staying at the hotel across the street. Why? Because there is a @#^$% Oakridge Boys concert and Harrah’s is all booked. Giddy Up.

So, if you’re in the Metropolis area (I’m looking at you, people within walking distance of Harrah’s Casino who were probably going there to play nickel slots anyway) sign up and rock out with me and the Oakridge Boys tonight at 8! And, if you can’t make it to Metropolis, IL (SPOILER ALERT: you can’t) then there are actually a bunch of really good events going on around the country, with the chance to win a bunch of money and open for the B-52s in Atlantic City. Why, you’ll be able to get the scoop on the whole shebang over at Topless Robot pretty soon. But wouldn’t you rather just buy a Worst Cartoons Ever DVD (screen right) instead of using all that energy winning a contest where the grand prize is playing a video game in front of an angry, annoyed crowd who paid good money to see Fred Schneider utter  the words “rock lobster”? The choice is yours. But I would never eff with hardcore Fred Schneider fans or their ilk. 

With Earth Day coming up later this month, and everybody up their own asses about how “radical” it is to “go green” and “breathe clean air,” I think it’s important that we recognize Disney, who—as proven by this video that’s been making the Net rounds this week—has been recycling for years. This video immediately depressed my wife, who is the only person I know with fond memories of Robin Hood, a movie I totally and absolutely forgot about. I had to Google it just to make sure it was just called “Robin Hood,” and not “The Animal Robin Hood” or “Foxy Robin Hood.” Whatever. I started hating Disney as a kid, when I was denied the chance to see UHF starring Weird Al in my local cineplex thanks to an overwhelming vote by my cousins to see An American Tale. Yes, I know An American Tale is not a Disney movie, but I didn’t make this distinction when I was a kid, nor could I understand that a company other than Disney could make full-length cartoon movies. I still can’t understand it.

How’s this for emotional bukakke? After feeling bad for trying to murder this puppy, Kong has a change of heart and saves him (taking his damn time with that rock I might add) so that he can finish the job himself at a later date. It also confirms my fear that King Kong is from THIS planet.