Yes, I’ve been on mini-vacation and abandoned you for a while without so much as one post letting you know I’d be away, or a note to call your Aunt Vicki if you needed anything. Knowing your parents, you’re used to this kind of thing. So, like my cats when they’ve hit the box instead of the carpet, you’re going to get a special fish flavored treat. You remember Harmony Heart, don’t you? Of course you do. He’s the Worst Cartoon Robot Host of All Time [He's out of work now, and in the coming weeks we'll be seeing just what he's up to]. But first, lets harken back to a time when we was hosting a video featuring trashy, thrown-together public domain cartoons (much like the one for sale to your immediate right! Have one, won’t you?). Apparently, the creators of this video enjoy their weed more than, say, the ins-and-outs of their editing machine. Like Bill O’Reilly, they just “do it live.” Which is a littler harder to do when animation is involved. So, instead of re-recording Harmony Heart’s lines when he utterly botches them, they just let the tape roll, man. Because they’re free spirits. Free, unyielding and beautiful spirits sandwiched between the giddy high-high-HIGHS of “Brake Free” and the mildly-offensive, Sunday Morning Coming Down strains of “Music to Learn About People” (or, “Year of the Cock”, if you’re a keen video observer). Dig it, man.

Is it just me, or is Harmony Heart kind of like Joel Hodgson’s loveable cousin?

Little John bends over is enjoying a nice boost in views over at YouTube, and it’s clear to see why: he’s one of the most likable, terrible characters ever. Why isn’t there a cult following around this guy yet? Say what you will about the animation and the writing, but the way they guy doing Little John’s voice delivers his understated lines makes me smile everytime. I know, I know…that hardly seems possible.

Hey, what’s more embarrassing than The Wonder Twins? It’s Willie Tyler & Lester—the less funny pre-cursor to Jeff Dunham—trying to pronounce the word “Superman” as part of ABC Saturday Morning Preview Show. As far as I’m concerned, Superfriends owes all its success to this perfectly executed comedy bit.

I can’t get over his Ms. Pac-Man joke, either. “How do you tell Ms. Pac-Man apart from Pac-Man? Ms. Pac-Man has a bow on her head and earrings! BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP!” Wait a minute…isn’t that just a fact and not a punchline? If it’s not, I’ve got a joke for you: “How do you tell the difference between Pinky and Clyde, the Pac-Man ghosts? Clyde is Orange! BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP!”

And whatever you do, DO NOT, miss the “Superman Pac-Man Song” at the end, in which Lester becomes terrified on the spot and attempts to improvise a song, but ends up just spouting off the TV Guide listings for that morning and then adds AMERICAN BANDSTANDDDDD at the end. This must have pissed everyone at ABC off because Bandstand (Band-stannnd) has absolutely nothing to do with this Saturday Morning Preview Special. Willie clearly just adds it to the end because they’re on the American Bandstand set, because ABC was to cheap to get this show its own set.

I never realized how truly bad the name for the Laverne and Shirley and Fonz Hour Cartoon was until a puppet tried to sing it in a song.

Hey, it’s Friday! And that just means I gotta dance it out. Maybe I’ll just sashay about, do Disco Teddy Bear. You know how we do. Or maybe I’ll just celebrate with a non-cartoon thing I made in celebration of a great review from the Guardian UK website. Neat!

“There are postings on the difficulty of animating teeth and a video of a talking breast that will send you into a ‘depressing shame spiral’.” -Guardian UK

That’s it! That’s my site exactly! I had you pegged all wrong, foreigners. And now, a non-cartoon featuring Rue McClanahan and an illegal number of cats in a living room. Happy Friday. Or should I say….CATurday! Damn…should have posted this tomorrow for that to work.

At a stop light yesterday, a familiar site: a cartoon character taking a piss on a Chevy logo (which my dad, and others, pronounce as ”Shivvy” in these parts). Except this was a bizzare mutation of the original  “bootleg- Calvin pissing on Chevy/Ford” logo (even more bizzare than the “praying bootleg-Calvin repenting for his automobile logo micterations in front of a cross”).

This one had a FEMALE bootleg-Calvin squatting over a Chevy logo: a sticker which would be classy on any automobile, certainly, but even more so ON THIS PERSON’S F—KING DODGE SATURN.

I don’t care if you’re jealous or what, if you drive a SATURN you do not get to join in on the Ford vs. Chevy Battle of the White Trash Brand Loyalty. (And why wouldn’t they be loyal, what with these companies laying them off left and right? It’s like cheering for the Cubs if, when the Cubs lost, your family didn’t eat or receive health benefits that month).

Plus, it screws with my mind. It’s like when Hordak suddenly arrived on the scene. Was he on Skeletor’s side? He-Man’s? What the hell was going on in Eternia? Because tainting Bill Watterson’s legacy doesn’t seem to be a good enough reason for doing away with these stickers—nor does returning to the quiet days of painting an entire scene on your van in lieu of vinyl decals–I beg you all to come together and end this pissing match between Shivvy and F’erd. I mean, Chevy and Ford. With the auto industry collapsing totally collapsed, maybe it’s time to come together, for the sake of our children…who I dream will one day drive a Prius with a fake nutsack hanging off the hitch.

Yes, Let’s return to a time when Pat Boone, nay CINDERELLA, made grotesque, uncomfortable, nerve-jangling cartoons in favor of the automobile. I don’t remember Cinderella having 7 dwarves, but whatever.