If you were to have a swine flu fever-dream in 1983, it might look something like the following clip.
First of all, Dick Clark somehow can’t NOT be a douche no matter how hard he tries. It’s bad enough that these kids have to go along with this awful charade of pretending they know who Laverne and Shirley are, and are expected to muster the energy (spoiler: they don’t) to shout out the name of a cartoon show based on these two past-their-prime sitcom characters. Get to the Snorks, Dick.
And then Dick has the balls to put down an audience member who has the gall to mention Santa Claus as a potential Laverne and Shirley guest star. He almost seems insulted, or like he’s dealing with a heckler at the Funny Bone. “No..that’s just…you’re wrong. REAL wrong. effin’kids i oughta effin’ beat you with those cue cards…” I mean, what in the hell were they supposed to say? Is it outside the realm of possibility that on a desperate and sad cartoon like Laverne and Shirley that Santa Claus wouldn’t show up?
The next deer-in-the-headlines victim of Dick’s constant prodding gets it close by saying “Squealy,” probably meaning Squiggy—which is a great guess for a girl who has never heard of Laverne and Shirley—and Dick Clark mercillously sweeps the leg and goes in for the kill. In Dick Clark’s defense, there is a slight difference between Squiggy and Squealy.
Luckily, someone had the forethought to tape over the next couple seconds of the Pac-Man Saturday Morning Preview with something called SUPER TV, which—sadly—runs its course and is out of my life before i have time to pick up the phone and order what appeared to be the greatest thing I have ever f—king seen in my life. “I can get ‘On Golden Pond’ AND perm porn? Surely, this Super TV can’t be for real!!!”
Then it’s back to the Fonz, wishing he were sticking his head in an active volcano right.
Check out this bored-to-tears moppet, the female Froggy from Our Gang, staring into the void and dutifully answering Dick’s asinine question lest she get put right in her goddamned place by theageless man with the microphone. Oh, how I love her. She speaks for all of us…she seems to be saying, “Kill me…kill me…kill me…kill me…”
It’s worth mentioning, per Alison in the previous post, that the man voicing Squealy is none other than Frank Welker! He voiced pretty much everything important (and unimportant, I guess) back in the day, and will be reprising his role as Soundwave in the new Transformers movie alongside Peter Cullen. I’m in the camp that’s depressed about Big Name Actors stealing voiceover work these days, and Welker deserves much respect. Just not for his role as “Squealy” in the Laverne and Shirley and Fonz Hour.
Comment by Chris Ward — May 1, 2009 @ 1:12 pm
It’s like Dick Clark was having a panic attack while trying to answer the kid’s question.
“I’m sorry. That’s not right–that was wrong. You were wrong. Wrong. WRONG!! YOU’RE ALL WRONG!! AGGH!! EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE IS WRONG!!!!”
Comment by Friginator — May 1, 2009 @ 3:50 pm
Why does Fonzie’s dog sound like such a pussy? Shouldn’t he have more of a McGruff “take a bite outta Malph” kind of voice?
Comment by Junkstore — May 1, 2009 @ 5:44 pm
Super TV is no more, but I did speak briefly to a very confused man in Virginia.
Well, someone had to try it.
Comment by dstyb — May 2, 2009 @ 10:31 pm
Oh, and “Sqealy” was an actual character on the animated program “Laverne and Shirley in the Army” (or something like that. He was their nemesis/drill sgt.
Comment by dstyb — May 2, 2009 @ 10:39 pm
These don’t look like happy children from well-adjusted families, they look like orphans rented out by the studio for just this purpose.
Comment by Casey — May 3, 2009 @ 9:11 pm
And Squealy was voiced by Ron “Horshack” Palillo, who also did the voice for Rubik, the Amazing Cube. Two winners in a row, eh?
Comment by Jeff Sparkman — May 4, 2009 @ 5:37 pm
Oh, Squealy’s the pig! I feel quite the fool.
Comment by dstyb — May 5, 2009 @ 9:26 pm