THIS is the kind of retched horse-flop that defines this website: The “Bearobics: Fun and Games for Teddy Bears” video. Watch it now before these bears are law-raped by Barry Gibbs copyright enforcing d–k.

Holy Kodiak Jesus, where to begin? For instance, “What the f–k are ‘honey cookies’”? How tight a vice did they get on the narrator’s balls to make him utter those Mickey-Mouse-by-way-of-Satan utterances? “DO DISCO TEDDY BEAR”?…How long have these guys been hanging out with Harmony Heart? Why the LONG ASS PAUSE at the beginning? Why is the cover of this VHS printed on laser jet glossy paper and taped to the box?

One thing’s for sure, this is like watching a Power Point presentation by Walt Disney’s sweetly retarded son, Dolt Disney.

Furthermore, the back cover promises:

1. “a unique combination of the latest computer graphic effects and video editing techniques.” (READ: it’s like watching a screen saver on its slooooowest Windows 3.1 setting.)

2. The point of the video is to engage the viewer so there are “no more passive Saturday mornings watching cartoons.” So they want you TO BUY A CARTOON SO YOUR KID CAN PASSIVELY WATCH IT. Because it goes on to say “Make up your own games and exercises, or just sit back and enjoy this entertaining adventure.” IE: SIT PASSIVELY BACK AND WATCH THIS CARTOON EVEN THOUGH WE SAID NOT TO, STUPID MOTHERFALCONS!!! GAHHH!!!!

Ok, ok…I’ll come clean. I secretly think I love this tape, and I also not-so-secretly think I’m the only one in the world who has a copy. Thank you Family Video VHS Clearance Sale! You can guarantee more videos from this tape are coming in the next week or so.

Imagine my surprise when I pooped this tape into a VCR and was greeted by a Clip Art Space Mr. Bill  with a reeeeeally loudly overdubbed voice whisked me into his little corner of the vaccum of space. That’s not a typo, by the way—I did not “pop” this tape into the VCR. Now imagine my surprise when that thing announced it had a name: Harmony Heart. Terrifying, isn’t it? “HOW YA DOIN’ OUT THERE?” But he doesn’t give us time to answer. My answer would have been, “I had been doing fine, until a dark portion of my life from Epcot’s ‘Captain E.O.’ ride decided to track me into the future and greet me once more.”

On first glance, he’s sort of gingerbread man who has apparently discovered David Bowie late in life and—by the look on his face—dark, 52nd Street theatre houses playing movies like “Anus the Menace.” My God…it’s full of stars. But I’ll tell you one thing: I felt compelled to drop everything I was doing to sing along with Harmony Heart, and it was eventually my honor to mangle grammar with him.

It’s Friday, and I think I will open up all of the doors today, my friends. I have all the keys. All I need is a track in the background. I will come fun learning with this man. And just look what kind of come fun learning adventures you’re going to come fun learn! Sonny and Cher! The Train of…Caipiro? Umm…white kids dressed like indians…hey, what in the hell kind of fun learning is this anyway, you educational rainbow creature? Well, we’ve come this far. There’s no turning back. I can’t think of a better way to spend Friday the 13th.

Postscript: When he says “FUNNNN LEARNING!” all I can think of is TV’s Frank from Mystery Science Theater bellowing “DEEEEP HURTING!” In truth, they are the same.