Today’s a big day for the site. It’s my wife’s birthday, my friends are in town from Minnesota, and MTV has contacted me about showing Evil Flying Jesus on some show of theirs. Unless I have Michelle Obama’s upper arm strength, I’m just not gonna make it through this. Good thing The Mighty Titan is here to show me the world’s most worthless, utterly hypnotizing workout. Something tells me if you don’t have the means to animate the act of exercising, you shouldn’t be attempting it. But the commies were on our shores, and desperate times called for cartoons that combined Jack LeLanne with the ghostly, nightmarish face of a harlequin.

Special guest stars: the shrill voiced kids from the Johnny Cypher Theme Song. Can’t someone tell these demon-throated assholes to stand away from the mic?!?

You can see the entire ‘Toon on Jerry Beck’s Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale here, for only 10 Dumbells! They’re flying like hotcakes, so make sure to get your orders in for that special rotten egg of an Easter basket gift.

There’s two things you need to know about this piece of crap Super President video.

Number One: the kidnapped Vice President’s name is Jerry Sayles, which you would think lends itself to an awesome arsenal of bad cartoon puns at the evil Steel Man’s disposal, because it’s pronounced “Sales”. Instead, Steel Man just confuses the entire scene by saying “Sayles will die.” And sales don’t die, they decline. And no one at this point knows what in the hell anyone else is talking about, because the robot should have said “It will be the death of a SAYLES, man! Bwah ha ha, Super President!”

Two: Super President’s deduction skills are total bullshit. Wait…”Deduction.” That rhymes with “reduction.” My grandmother, a chef, made a wonderful balsamic reduction drizzle for her seared scallops. She cooked it while listening to Lawrence Welk. He had a great band. That’s it! Super President’s deduction skills are GREAT! I knew I was getting somewhere…

I don’t know…Obama’s speech last night was inspiring and all, but it lacked a certain…I’m not sure. Grooviness? Yeah, that’s probably it. People have been clamoring for this clip for a while, from the ill-fated cartoon Super President: a 1967 cartoon that presupposes kids might be interested in the Commander-In-Chief as an indestructible superhero; one who has the power to turn into steel, granite, “or whatever the need requires.” Wow…nice loophole. That’s, like, George Bush’s dream phrase right there.

Also, his “power was born in a cosmic storm.” I’m not sure how or why this guy found himself in a cosmic storm in Washington DC, but his newfound, awesome power led to James Norcross (not to be confused with Grover Norquist) to want to be President (naturally), where he traded flying across the galaxy and kicking Electric Monsters in the nuts for things like the Iowa Caucus and line item vetos.

Did I mention this was all in the wake of the Kennedy assassination? That’s like unleashing “Budgy, the Unstoppable Space Shuttle!” a year after the Challenger explosion. This clip is one of Jerry Beck’s more popular snippets from his Comic Con appearances, and it’s clear to see why.

For proof of Johnny Cypher’s badass space cred, look no further than his hard-rockin’ theme song—which tests the manliest limits of your tiny, vulnerable ear bones with its castrated choir of Jupiter space eunuchs!

It’s bad-assssss…and not just because it starts out exactly the same as Speed Racer’s. (And, for the record, that’s how I like my cartoons at 7 AM on Saturday morning…with jarring, flight-of-the-bumblebee horns right in my ear.)

SO, All you gotta do to win a free Worst Cartoons Ever DVD (retail value of $10! Hell, pick one up from the sidebar to your right!) is tell me what in the hell the kids are singing in this song. Apparently, no one told them not to SCREAM DIRECTLY INTO THE MIC. Remember, I’m not looking for the actual lyrics, I want the lyrics as you hear them.

God, this song is irritating. But I’m pretty sure this is what they are singing….My interpretation of the lyrics after the jump!: (more…)

*2/3/09: 7PM, Added Bonus remix video at the end of the post!*

My buddy John Dodd snuck into a church late at night (which wasn’t hard, since this particular church used to be a Super Wal-Mart) and stole this magnificient and guarded cartoon (in about what the end times will be like from the Bootleg Illuminati. This video is GUARANTEED to not be as boring as Angels & Demons is gonna be. Enjoy this or, like Jesus, I’ll cast ye and your Volkswagon Bug into a pit of FI-AH!

So what did we learn? Well, here’s are SEVEN—the holy number!—things I learned from watching this video… (more…)