Yes, I’ve been on mini-vacation and abandoned you for a while without so much as one post letting you know I’d be away, or a note to call your Aunt Vicki if you needed anything. Knowing your parents, you’re used to this kind of thing. So, like my cats when they’ve hit the box instead of the carpet, you’re going to get a special fish flavored treat. You remember Harmony Heart, don’t you? Of course you do. He’s the Worst Cartoon Robot Host of All Time [He's out of work now, and in the coming weeks we'll be seeing just what he's up to]. But first, lets harken back to a time when we was hosting a video featuring trashy, thrown-together public domain cartoons (much like the one for sale to your immediate right! Have one, won’t you?). Apparently, the creators of this video enjoy their weed more than, say, the ins-and-outs of their editing machine. Like Bill O’Reilly, they just “do it live.” Which is a littler harder to do when animation is involved. So, instead of re-recording Harmony Heart’s lines when he utterly botches them, they just let the tape roll, man. Because they’re free spirits. Free, unyielding and beautiful spirits sandwiched between the giddy high-high-HIGHS of “Brake Free” and the mildly-offensive, Sunday Morning Coming Down strains of “Music to Learn About People” (or, “Year of the Cock”, if you’re a keen video observer). Dig it, man.

Is it just me, or is Harmony Heart kind of like Joel Hodgson’s loveable cousin?

THIS is the kind of retched horse-flop that defines this website: The “Bearobics: Fun and Games for Teddy Bears” video. Watch it now before these bears are law-raped by Barry Gibbs copyright enforcing d–k.

Holy Kodiak Jesus, where to begin? For instance, “What the f–k are ‘honey cookies’”? How tight a vice did they get on the narrator’s balls to make him utter those Mickey-Mouse-by-way-of-Satan utterances? “DO DISCO TEDDY BEAR”?…How long have these guys been hanging out with Harmony Heart? Why the LONG ASS PAUSE at the beginning? Why is the cover of this VHS printed on laser jet glossy paper and taped to the box?

One thing’s for sure, this is like watching a Power Point presentation by Walt Disney’s sweetly retarded son, Dolt Disney.

Furthermore, the back cover promises:

1. “a unique combination of the latest computer graphic effects and video editing techniques.” (READ: it’s like watching a screen saver on its slooooowest Windows 3.1 setting.)

2. The point of the video is to engage the viewer so there are “no more passive Saturday mornings watching cartoons.” So they want you TO BUY A CARTOON SO YOUR KID CAN PASSIVELY WATCH IT. Because it goes on to say “Make up your own games and exercises, or just sit back and enjoy this entertaining adventure.” IE: SIT PASSIVELY BACK AND WATCH THIS CARTOON EVEN THOUGH WE SAID NOT TO, STUPID MOTHERFALCONS!!! GAHHH!!!!

Ok, ok…I’ll come clean. I secretly think I love this tape, and I also not-so-secretly think I’m the only one in the world who has a copy. Thank you Family Video VHS Clearance Sale! You can guarantee more videos from this tape are coming in the next week or so.

Yesterday was Earth Day and as you may have noticed, there was no new post on the website. Not because I just “couldn’t get around to it,” but because I was extremely busy turning on all the lights in my house, spraying aerosol cans out my window, and burning leaves in the backyard. That’s right, I miss burning leaves like crazy: My neighbors had a burn barrel and they used to do it all the time, and we would throw open the windows and just let it roll on in. There’s nothing like that smell and that smoke wafting across your eyeballs… so screw you, screw this “go green” catchphrase crap, and screw Captain Planet: his cartoon sucks now, it sucked then. No kids liked this show. If they did, their parents were probably the kind of people that made them turn off the water while they were brushing their teeth. Me? I like the sound of water running while I’m brushing my teeth. Remember when Earth Day first came out, and everybody made relentless fun of it? Apparently, I’m the only person left who remembers that.

Check out Captain Planet’s awesome mirror-opposites. Now THESE are some guys I’d like to burn leaves and throw cans out the window with.

Hells yeah…I want a “Deforestation Ring.” But how are these “Pollution Powers” bad, exactly? 

1. “Super Radiation”—you could totally use that on cancer. Not so bad.

2. “Deforestation”—not a way to pollute. Unless you’re polluting parking lots with all those useless saplings.

3. “Smog”—What’s the big deal? In the nineties, Smog was short for “S’Mores and POGS.” Who would argue with hot S’Mores and a fun, quick-paced game of POGS, everyone’s favorite collectible milkcap game (apologies to Slammer Jammers)? Give me that ring and let the good times materialize!

4. “Artic”?—I can’t tell what he’s saying with that stupid rag on his mouth.

5. “Hate”—Yes, hate. what an awful pollutant. I say it’s the fuel of the future. Imagine how many miles to the gallon Ray Liota’s car would get!! The sound’s pretty bad though, she also might be saying “Paint.” As in “that evil Mauve jumpsuit color that makes your stomach queasy.” That’s pretty evil, I guess.

And now, here’s Not-Fensler doing a Not-Fensler-Films version of those GI Joe spots, with Captain Planet. It’s a’ight.

I’m Irish. I hate corn beef and cabbage, I hate green beer, and I hate green vomit in my goddamned city streets. But in honor of my dear departed grandmother’s birthday today, and to all the faithfully departed, here are some shitty St. Patrick’s Day cartoons. Don’t enjoy!

1. The Very First Ever Lucky Charms Commercial: animated by Peanut’s Bill Melendez. Why in the hell do they bother trotting out each individual marshmallow and announcing “pink hearts, green clovers!” on a black and white TV?!?!?

It’s interesting that “Lucky” endures to this day, but this mascot never did. Hmm….

Alright you mick bastards, follow the rainbow for even more!
(more…)

Imagine my surprise when I pooped this tape into a VCR and was greeted by a Clip Art Space Mr. Bill  with a reeeeeally loudly overdubbed voice whisked me into his little corner of the vaccum of space. That’s not a typo, by the way—I did not “pop” this tape into the VCR. Now imagine my surprise when that thing announced it had a name: Harmony Heart. Terrifying, isn’t it? “HOW YA DOIN’ OUT THERE?” But he doesn’t give us time to answer. My answer would have been, “I had been doing fine, until a dark portion of my life from Epcot’s ‘Captain E.O.’ ride decided to track me into the future and greet me once more.”

On first glance, he’s sort of gingerbread man who has apparently discovered David Bowie late in life and—by the look on his face—dark, 52nd Street theatre houses playing movies like “Anus the Menace.” My God…it’s full of stars. But I’ll tell you one thing: I felt compelled to drop everything I was doing to sing along with Harmony Heart, and it was eventually my honor to mangle grammar with him.

It’s Friday, and I think I will open up all of the doors today, my friends. I have all the keys. All I need is a track in the background. I will come fun learning with this man. And just look what kind of come fun learning adventures you’re going to come fun learn! Sonny and Cher! The Train of…Caipiro? Umm…white kids dressed like indians…hey, what in the hell kind of fun learning is this anyway, you educational rainbow creature? Well, we’ve come this far. There’s no turning back. I can’t think of a better way to spend Friday the 13th.

Postscript: When he says “FUNNNN LEARNING!” all I can think of is TV’s Frank from Mystery Science Theater bellowing “DEEEEP HURTING!” In truth, they are the same.