When we last checked in with Jason Priestley, he was showing kids how not to blow their brains out. Everybody’s gonna be like Fonzie. And what’s Fonzie like? He’s cool. We’re allll gonna be cool.

This is the video where we learn, because Eddie Eagle was “born with those Eagle Eyes,” that “before long, Eddie was in charge the entire gun safety department.” Makes sense to me. I was born with “those human ears,” you don’t see me running the CIA’s wiretap program. The fact is, you don’t get to where Eddie the Eagle got to without killing a whole lot of people on the way up, and I think Jason Priestley’s glossed over some of the darker years.

But since we’re suspending disbelief, lets just go with the fact that Grandma keeps a loaded gun in her attic, where the one-kid-per-ethnicity at a time gets to rifle around in her stuff (pun intended! Hy-yuk!) and suggestively stroke grandma’s baseball bat. I guess the only thing we can all agree on is that Eddie is a nosy little bitch. And if he’s looking for trouble in my attic, he’s got the map. A great big, red, flashing map right on top of his head.

Stick with this…I’ve actually edited it for sanity. You’ll be singing this song later when you run across your Step-Uncle’s “Big Beautiful Women” DVD collection.

Yep. This country is pretty much awesome.

There’s a store down the street called “Travellin’ Treasures.” If that weren’t awful enough, it’s got a big, dumpy looking mural of cartoon fish on the outside that looks like it was painted by angry, property-value hating retards.

With a facade like that, you know it’s the kind of place where you’re either walking out with a Scarface bong, or video of Jason Priestley, at the height of his career, conversing about gun control with a cartoon eagle. Because I already own all manner of priceless Scarface memoribilia (including the Spencer’s Gift limited edition Rubik’s Cube. Great for starting a party out right, am I wrong?!), I opted for the video.

“Oh, hello there! You’ve caught me sorting the hell out of 244 episodes worth of behind-the-scenes Ian Ziering slides, as I am wont to do, while perched on a chair. Come right in folks.”

What’s the coolest thing about the NRA? Shooting the shit out of shit, that’s what. I’m not kidding. Until you’ve shot beer bottles without a shirt on in the middle of nowhere, don’t act like you’re too cool for school…
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Wow, what a week it’s been, huh? It seems like just the other day that our three day, week long series of posts about Smarkus & Co. began. If you missed the others and are too lazy too scroll down (let’s face it, you are), then click here and here but do not click here. Well, I warned you. And that will teach you to do exactly what I say. Just like Little Joey here, who screwed with Smarkus, the animated, Satan-Cast-In-Silicon, and got what was coming to him in the dead of pajama-pissing night

More on the creators of Smarkus and Co. when the skin on my space bar thumb heals and it doesn’t hurt to type. I chew the skin off my fingers when I see videos like Smarkus and Co. I’m not kidding.

One final note: I’m incredibly disturbed/delighted that Ron Hall, the voice of Smarkus, went on to star in a movie called InterneTrix (which, disappointingly, is not about an Internet-flavored, fruity cereal, ) which is ridicuolously similar to the plot of Smarkus and Company. But instead of people getting sucked into a laughably outdated computer to learn about blind kids playing baseball…

Shown: getting sucked into a computer, artist rendition

…people are getting sucked into a laughably outdated computer to flip around to a song by, one assumes, DMX’s kid brother. Ron Hall, you’ve come a long way, baby!

By the way, I encourage all my readers to please post my Smarkus videos, the only ones online I think, on Ron Hall’s MySpace page. He’ll either love you for it, or deliver high kicks. Whatever the outcome, be sure to let me know how it goes.

*UPDATED: Fixed Video. Sorry folks.*

What do you get when you cross Hellraiser with the Electric Company? This clip from Smarkus and Co., in which Smarkus shows his utter contempt for brillo headed boys, yelly and shrill (and someday-to-drown-in-a-bathtub-accident) girls and, generally, all of mankind.

His loveable catch phrase: “Is this the BEST you can do?” What kid wouldn’t want to watch a cartoon that re-inforces the idea that they’ll never live up to the standards of an angry, insulting, 2MBs of talking RAM? And when’s he’s pushed to the limit…well, just watch it to the end. I think he chooses to destroy the known universe.

It actually makes sense that Smarkus is a total jagoff, and here’s why…

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All week I’ll be posting clips from Smarkus and Company, and educational cartoon/live-action/technological nightmare sent to me by my man in the field, Junkstore Jesse T. 

Let me set the scene: a mankind-hating blip creature appears one day inside these kids’ computer—which is a hybrid of an Apple II, Radio Shack TRS-80 and a small lawnmower engine. If you were a kid, and an 8-bit genie appeared promising to tell you about the secrets of the universe (or, in this case “How do blind people play baseball?” asks the slackjawed girl. Dumbass.), you would probably be pretty excited. Not this kid who, upon realizing Wikipedia is in excess of 10 years away, would rather just have the goddamned information he’s looking for than go on an adventure. This boy’s response is one of my all-time favorites. Bite me, Smarkus.

How does Huey Lewis and the News factor into all this? Click More to find out!
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