Picture this: you’re 8 years old, and the best day of your life is about to begin. It’s a hot Burbank day, and you’ve waited in line with your mom all morning because you’re going to attend a television show taping! And not just any taping, it’s the PAC-MAN SATURDAY MORNING PREVIEW. That’s right, the Golden God himself has put his chomp chomp chomp of approval on ABC’s Saturday morning lineup. Your Ocean Pacific shorts immediately pop their first pup tent.

It hits you: YOU are going to witness this sneak preview before anyone else in the world. There are no cell phone cameras. There are no security guys with night vision anti-piracy cameras, or nerds saying “meh” on message boards afterwards. You don’t even know what the word “meh” means yet, nor have you yet grown to hate the lukewarm, three letter, impressed-by-nothing phrase that will come to define every smug asshole with a keyboard and nothing interesting to contribute.

And…oh my god…it’s being filmed on the American Bandstand set, Studio B! Not because this show isn’t important enough to warrant it’s own special set, but because DICK CLARK is hosting and this is his house where he sleeps!

The first thing that happens is that Dick Clark tells the kid next to you to shut his goddamn yap before the show even starts. That’s cool, because that kid was going to be trouble anyway. You could tell. So what’s the first show we’re going to see, premiered for you and you alone? Omigod, the anticipation.

Well, it’s…”Laverne & Shirley with The Fonz.” Or “Laverne and Shirley with Special Guest Star The Fonz.” Or “Mork & Mindy/Laverne & Shirley/The Fonz Hour.” It’s one of those, as you’ll find out 20 years later nursing your nostalgia wounds on IMDB.com.  But that’s what they’re calling it, for real. Really? Ok, they’re starting small. But…Holy god with a title that complicated, it must be good. Why else would they drag these characters you’ve never heard of from beyond the sitcom grave?

And, what’s this? Fonz is in the studio! The man who invented jumping the shark is here! And there’s an irritating guy with him, voicing a dog called “Cool”! So THIS is how cartoons are voiced! So THIS is how careers are undone! So THIS is what the phrase “Sniff Out the Pork” sounds like coming out of Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli’s mouth!

Ok, that was probably the worst thing you’ve ever seen, but you’ll clap because there’s GOT to be something better coming. Everyone else is laughing. Are you supposed to be laughing? We were promised Pac-Man, right? Dick Clark is now looking right at you. You’re not clapping hard enough. Oh man…he can tell…holy crap please don’t come over here…

These are cartoons…they’re supposed to make kids happy…this is the world premeire show…so how come when you watch this cartoon spectacle unfold, all you can think about is THIS?

And there’s an entire hour of the Dick Clark cartoon spectacular left? Oh momma momma…why didn’t you warn me!?!?

Stay tuned, because this week I’ll announce the winner of the Most Terrifying Childhood Cartoon contest. Feel free to scroll down to the post and keep those entries coming…Or even write them over 4 separate, novel-length posts, like friend of the site Friginator! Your posts are one of the main reasons I keep the site up, I love all you guys who hang out here. Some of you, like previous contest winner and all around good guy Jeff Sparkman, even sent me one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen: The ABC Pac-Man Preview. And just let me say, over the next 4-5 weeks, you guys are in for a special treat…kind of like that free ice cream you get after a brutal dentist appointment. There are a million things to observe in horror on this tape that make me a little sad to have a Pac-Man tattoo. Ok, a lot sad. Here’s a taste:

Yes, it’s going to be a good couple of weeks. Henry Winkler stops by to no one’s joy, Dick Clark berates some more kids in his patented dickish manner, kids feign enthusiasm for a Laverne and Shirley cartoon, Pac-Man’s legacy is defecated upon and shat out in pellet form…

All this, and I’ll even leave the eighties commercials on this VHS gem in tact.

Yesterday was Earth Day and as you may have noticed, there was no new post on the website. Not because I just “couldn’t get around to it,” but because I was extremely busy turning on all the lights in my house, spraying aerosol cans out my window, and burning leaves in the backyard. That’s right, I miss burning leaves like crazy: My neighbors had a burn barrel and they used to do it all the time, and we would throw open the windows and just let it roll on in. There’s nothing like that smell and that smoke wafting across your eyeballs… so screw you, screw this “go green” catchphrase crap, and screw Captain Planet: his cartoon sucks now, it sucked then. No kids liked this show. If they did, their parents were probably the kind of people that made them turn off the water while they were brushing their teeth. Me? I like the sound of water running while I’m brushing my teeth. Remember when Earth Day first came out, and everybody made relentless fun of it? Apparently, I’m the only person left who remembers that.

Check out Captain Planet’s awesome mirror-opposites. Now THESE are some guys I’d like to burn leaves and throw cans out the window with.

Hells yeah…I want a “Deforestation Ring.” But how are these “Pollution Powers” bad, exactly? 

1. “Super Radiation”—you could totally use that on cancer. Not so bad.

2. “Deforestation”—not a way to pollute. Unless you’re polluting parking lots with all those useless saplings.

3. “Smog”—What’s the big deal? In the nineties, Smog was short for “S’Mores and POGS.” Who would argue with hot S’Mores and a fun, quick-paced game of POGS, everyone’s favorite collectible milkcap game (apologies to Slammer Jammers)? Give me that ring and let the good times materialize!

4. “Artic”?—I can’t tell what he’s saying with that stupid rag on his mouth.

5. “Hate”—Yes, hate. what an awful pollutant. I say it’s the fuel of the future. Imagine how many miles to the gallon Ray Liota’s car would get!! The sound’s pretty bad though, she also might be saying “Paint.” As in “that evil Mauve jumpsuit color that makes your stomach queasy.” That’s pretty evil, I guess.

And now, here’s Not-Fensler doing a Not-Fensler-Films version of those GI Joe spots, with Captain Planet. It’s a’ight.

Imagine my surprise when I pooped this tape into a VCR and was greeted by a Clip Art Space Mr. Bill  with a reeeeeally loudly overdubbed voice whisked me into his little corner of the vaccum of space. That’s not a typo, by the way—I did not “pop” this tape into the VCR. Now imagine my surprise when that thing announced it had a name: Harmony Heart. Terrifying, isn’t it? “HOW YA DOIN’ OUT THERE?” But he doesn’t give us time to answer. My answer would have been, “I had been doing fine, until a dark portion of my life from Epcot’s ‘Captain E.O.’ ride decided to track me into the future and greet me once more.”

On first glance, he’s sort of gingerbread man who has apparently discovered David Bowie late in life and—by the look on his face—dark, 52nd Street theatre houses playing movies like “Anus the Menace.” My God…it’s full of stars. But I’ll tell you one thing: I felt compelled to drop everything I was doing to sing along with Harmony Heart, and it was eventually my honor to mangle grammar with him.

It’s Friday, and I think I will open up all of the doors today, my friends. I have all the keys. All I need is a track in the background. I will come fun learning with this man. And just look what kind of come fun learning adventures you’re going to come fun learn! Sonny and Cher! The Train of…Caipiro? Umm…white kids dressed like indians…hey, what in the hell kind of fun learning is this anyway, you educational rainbow creature? Well, we’ve come this far. There’s no turning back. I can’t think of a better way to spend Friday the 13th.

Postscript: When he says “FUNNNN LEARNING!” all I can think of is TV’s Frank from Mystery Science Theater bellowing “DEEEEP HURTING!” In truth, they are the same.

A while back, I detailed the gayest evil villain plot ever.  I know that only sounds like I’m throwing around the word “gay” as a nasty, Maxim-style fratboy pejorative, but I beg of you: how would you describe a man who tries to take over the world with lollipops? Even my gay friends are at a loss. 

This video may edge it out. It’s from the Yum Yums, which I’m sure you’ll remember. Let’s break it down:

1. The plan begins with a hearty jizz drizzle over their giant gumball machine, where a mix between a syphilitic elephant and Edward G. Robinson’s retarded brother wants to “take some bounce out of the boys and girls fuuuuun, seee? Where’s your Messiah now, Yum Yums? Seeeee?”

2. The “Mayor,” who looks like something Howie Mandell shat out in Little Monsters, has the winning evil plan: “The kids will HATE this ride…UNLESS THEY LIKE RIDING BACKWARDS!” Great plan, dickcheese. But what if they DO like riding backwards? Some rides, like the Batman coaster, are built for that very, quite-fun purpose. Why not just bake them some cupcakes? They’ll HATE those cupcakes…unless they LIKE those cupcakes! Bwah ha ha ha ha HA!

3. “We only have to mess up the Popcorn Train and the Donut Dunk and we’re done!” Yeah…Those already sound pretty messed up. Better call it a day, boys.

4. “They’ll never fix it in time without their Magic Tool Box!” Yeah, because those rides use a Peppermint Metric system, and it’s a real bitch to find a 3/4″ Metric Flare Licorice-Wrench with Cinnamon Coating once you lose it. You’re gonna want a Gumdrop Hose Coupling too, or the whole things in the crapper. I mean, I can probably get one in by next week but…it’s no guarantee.