There’s something I like about this clip, which is very subtle in the ways that it’s completely batshit insane. Maybe it’s the casualness and upbeat voice with which the Train Mouse (you remember him…he tells great stories) discusses his friend’s parents dying, and that “she moved in with US!” Yippee! Neat-O! Hip Hip Hoora…wait. What the…how what when what where what the hell? Highly disturbing. Listen to it a few times. It gets creepier, even by “disease spreading sewer vermin” standards.

The whole slow, awfully paced and terribly animated scene with the cat makes me feel: nauseous, depressed, sad for the cat, sad that I have to listen to the weird gurgling sounds the cat makes, weepy for listening to the voice actor sound like a high pitched giggling tit-face, and sad that the cat doesn’t cut their eyeballs out with razor-precision. Let’s not mince words: I WANT THESE MICE TO DIE, SO BAD. Or at least one of them to die, so the other can inexplicably run off to move in with his friends. Yippee!

The Yum Yums, in addition to being the most irritating cartoon spawn I’ve seen to date (yes, including Texas Jack) are also under the incorrect assumption that as long as you act cute, your actions won’t be perceived as the most dickish things in the entire universe. In fact, their amplified by words like “Peppy-Mint” and “jiffy.” Try to stomach this clip as long as you can.

And now, Worst Cartoons Ever Theatre presents another episode of “The Worsties. In this short, a moral examination of the butterfly situation, as told via another awful, awful, cheap-ass cartoon.

I can’t think of a better way to close out the week than with one of the most irritating songs I’ve ever heard, the Care Bear clone “Yum Yums”—created by Hallmark to promote an equally irritating toyline. Eighties girl’s cartoons were trying to out-cute each other for years, and this one took it to nauseatingly saccharine heights that would even give cupcakes diabetes: I mean, really, water skiiing on Pepto Bismol? Dickish squirt flowers? Cookie Hollywood Squares?

And, good god, if you have diabetes yourself, then please tell me what to make of this when you saw it as a kid.

There is no IMDB listing for this cartoon so I will assume everyone involved is being tortured at an undisclosed location. Oh, and the Johnny Cypher Big Contest winner will be announced Monday, so be sure to enter before then!

A lot of people have already told me how utterly bat-shit insane ”The Magic Lollipop Adventure” looks based on the clips I’ve shown this week, and how they actually want to see it now. Listen to me very carefully: these are fruits you must never taste.

Never pursue viewing the Magic Lollipop Adventure, even if you’re in the Lollipop Guild. Really? You still want to see it? Then your other favorite hobby must be sorting through tax receipts, or having a professional glass blower inflate 1900 degrees of molten glass right up your pooper. To those people, this video is for you: the entire Magic Lollipop Adventure whittled down to one mind-numbing minute.

Where I’m from, it’s not soda, it’s pop. And though the Associate Press Style Guide has yet to confirm this for me definitively, I maintain that ”sodi pop” is also acceptable.

Also, a lollipop doesn’t exist, It’s a sucker. But my wife found out the hard way that when you ask a kid “do you want a sucker?” on the East Coast you’re bound to get nasty, pregnant stares from everyone, followed by the Fox 5 Problem Solvers who show up at your door to escort you back to the land of Dairy Queen, Iowa.

So, please, someone tell me what in sam scratch this muttering, slobbering King from “The Magic Sucker…I mean, Lollipop Adventure” is blathering about, and why the guy voicing him decides—even though he clearly starts laughing off at :20 when the ridiculousness of what he’s saying really sinks in—to keep this take. Because I have no idea what a lollipop is, or why the word bears repeating 80 times in 50 seconds, or why the “Water purified by the giant lollipop” is better. One thing is certain: this was written by balls high writers, intended for a balls high audience.

It’s a good thing THIS is the King’s not-so-terrifying enemy, or a military coup/lollipop disembowelment would be imminent for this tum-tum pounding candy-ass.