There’s something I like about this clip, which is very subtle in the ways that it’s completely batshit insane. Maybe it’s the casualness and upbeat voice with which the Train Mouse (you remember him…he tells great stories) discusses his friend’s parents dying, and that “she moved in with US!” Yippee! Neat-O! Hip Hip Hoora…wait. What the…how what when what where what the hell? Highly disturbing. Listen to it a few times. It gets creepier, even by “disease spreading sewer vermin” standards.

The whole slow, awfully paced and terribly animated scene with the cat makes me feel: nauseous, depressed, sad for the cat, sad that I have to listen to the weird gurgling sounds the cat makes, weepy for listening to the voice actor sound like a high pitched giggling tit-face, and sad that the cat doesn’t cut their eyeballs out with razor-precision. Let’s not mince words: I WANT THESE MICE TO DIE, SO BAD. Or at least one of them to die, so the other can inexplicably run off to move in with his friends. Yippee!

The Yum Yums, in addition to being the most irritating cartoon spawn I’ve seen to date (yes, including Texas Jack) are also under the incorrect assumption that as long as you act cute, your actions won’t be perceived as the most dickish things in the entire universe. In fact, their amplified by words like “Peppy-Mint” and “jiffy.” Try to stomach this clip as long as you can.

And now, Worst Cartoons Ever Theatre presents another episode of “The Worsties. In this short, a moral examination of the butterfly situation, as told via another awful, awful, cheap-ass cartoon.

Shown: Froggy Asswipes. Available at Stop N’ Shop, and wherever children’s nightmares are purchased.

Your kid’s favorite cartoon characters love wiping their cartoon asses—I mean really getting in there—and they want everyone to know it, and to see it. Up close. In disturbing detail. For whatever reason, it seems like cartoon ass-wiping has reached a fever pitch not seen since the banned 1932 Merry Melodies short “A Spit Shinin’ Where the Good Lord Split Ya!”.

I first brought your attention to the Poo Humidifier, but our man Jerry Beck (he of the Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale here, and the much more respectable Cartoon Brew featuring 40% less poo jokes) recently ruminated on the Winnie the Pooh rectal thermometer. Oh bother.

Jerry also has a great deal to say about the Spongebob “Bikini Bottom” rectal thermometer, which lives in your pineapple under the sea. Add this to the aforementioned Froggy Asswipes that have mysteriously disappeared from my supermarket. Hmm, wonder why? At least there’s a rival Monkey Wiping Ass product on the market, complete with Flash Animation of Monkey Wiping Ass online.

Shown: Future topic of therapy session on parental neglect and/or “Wipe front to back if you know where it’s at!”

More unclean cartoon rectums after the flush…err, jump.

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This is the opening scene from a cartoon called “Train Mice,” and if the first couple rip-roaring minutes are any indication, this is going to be a fantastic movie. If I may crib from The Soup for a second, I’m calling this, “Hey, Great Story, Train Mouse!”

Schmuck.

I thought I would take a second to take a breather from Racial Insensitivity Week…it really is depressing seeing all these at once. So hey, why not show you what I ran into at Walgreens this week:

Wow. a “Poo” humidifier. I mean, it’s an easy typo to make I guess, but there’s no excuse for it. You’re an American: learn the difference between your words for lethargic, animated bears and human excrement. In any case, some one with rock-solid poo is going to be very disappointed when they get this home to try out.

And, speaking of rock hard Pooh, here’s one of the more famous cartoon bootlegs that circulated for years before the advent of the internet: APOCALYPSE POOH, one of the earliest “mash up” videos….

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