I can’t think of a better way to close out the week than with one of the most irritating songs I’ve ever heard, the Care Bear clone “Yum Yums”—created by Hallmark to promote an equally irritating toyline. Eighties girl’s cartoons were trying to out-cute each other for years, and this one took it to nauseatingly saccharine heights that would even give cupcakes diabetes: I mean, really, water skiiing on Pepto Bismol? Dickish squirt flowers? Cookie Hollywood Squares?

And, good god, if you have diabetes yourself, then please tell me what to make of this when you saw it as a kid.

There is no IMDB listing for this cartoon so I will assume everyone involved is being tortured at an undisclosed location. Oh, and the Johnny Cypher Big Contest winner will be announced Monday, so be sure to enter before then!

Thought we were done with the Magic Lollipop Adventure? Not by a long shot. This is the clip I have the hardest time watching…it’s like American History X meets Puff the Magic Dragon. And here’s why I hate it:

1. I am extremely bothered by the idea of front teeth hitting pavement, and this extends to animated dragons and cartoon rocks. And the way he flips himself end over end would make his teeth snap off and…I just can’t talk about this anymore.

2. I can’t believe what a retarded cow the princess is. Of COURSE “thinking of a bridge” only works in the forest of mirrors, you pink troglodyte. Thank god the dragon makes her look like an idiot. The next thing you know, she’ll be trying to purify the Giant Magic Lollipop by sprinkling gumdrops on it. The King is pretty goddamn clear on how to purify the Giant Magic Lollipop, and any idiot can understand this simple process.

3. The way the dragon asks “did you say bridge?” immediately after he was just talking to her about bridges. I think all those magic lollipops affected his short term memory in profound ways.

4. The blatant Back to the Future theme rip off at 00:27. Works when Doc Brown connects the clock tower power cord at the exact moment the lightning strikes…not so much when a flamboyant dutch boy is pissing his pants in joy over the chance to skip across a dragon’s back.

A lot of people have already told me how utterly bat-shit insane ”The Magic Lollipop Adventure” looks based on the clips I’ve shown this week, and how they actually want to see it now. Listen to me very carefully: these are fruits you must never taste.

Never pursue viewing the Magic Lollipop Adventure, even if you’re in the Lollipop Guild. Really? You still want to see it? Then your other favorite hobby must be sorting through tax receipts, or having a professional glass blower inflate 1900 degrees of molten glass right up your pooper. To those people, this video is for you: the entire Magic Lollipop Adventure whittled down to one mind-numbing minute.

Where I’m from, it’s not soda, it’s pop. And though the Associate Press Style Guide has yet to confirm this for me definitively, I maintain that ”sodi pop” is also acceptable.

Also, a lollipop doesn’t exist, It’s a sucker. But my wife found out the hard way that when you ask a kid “do you want a sucker?” on the East Coast you’re bound to get nasty, pregnant stares from everyone, followed by the Fox 5 Problem Solvers who show up at your door to escort you back to the land of Dairy Queen, Iowa.

So, please, someone tell me what in sam scratch this muttering, slobbering King from “The Magic Sucker…I mean, Lollipop Adventure” is blathering about, and why the guy voicing him decides—even though he clearly starts laughing off at :20 when the ridiculousness of what he’s saying really sinks in—to keep this take. Because I have no idea what a lollipop is, or why the word bears repeating 80 times in 50 seconds, or why the “Water purified by the giant lollipop” is better. One thing is certain: this was written by balls high writers, intended for a balls high audience.

It’s a good thing THIS is the King’s not-so-terrifying enemy, or a military coup/lollipop disembowelment would be imminent for this tum-tum pounding candy-ass.