Yes, I’ve been on mini-vacation and abandoned you for a while without so much as one post letting you know I’d be away, or a note to call your Aunt Vicki if you needed anything. Knowing your parents, you’re used to this kind of thing. So, like my cats when they’ve hit the box instead of the carpet, you’re going to get a special fish flavored treat. You remember Harmony Heart, don’t you? Of course you do. He’s the Worst Cartoon Robot Host of All Time [He's out of work now, and in the coming weeks we'll be seeing just what he's up to]. But first, lets harken back to a time when we was hosting a video featuring trashy, thrown-together public domain cartoons (much like the one for sale to your immediate right! Have one, won’t you?). Apparently, the creators of this video enjoy their weed more than, say, the ins-and-outs of their editing machine. Like Bill O’Reilly, they just “do it live.” Which is a littler harder to do when animation is involved. So, instead of re-recording Harmony Heart’s lines when he utterly botches them, they just let the tape roll, man. Because they’re free spirits. Free, unyielding and beautiful spirits sandwiched between the giddy high-high-HIGHS of “Brake Free” and the mildly-offensive, Sunday Morning Coming Down strains of “Music to Learn About People” (or, “Year of the Cock”, if you’re a keen video observer). Dig it, man.

Is it just me, or is Harmony Heart kind of like Joel Hodgson’s loveable cousin?

Human Teeth: is there anything more horrible?* I don’t like my teeth. I don’t like a lot of other people’s teeth. People with good teeth? Suck it. I hate those people too. They’re painful, dirty, breakable little things and they most certainly don’t belong in cartoons (unless its Robert Smigel’s mouth coming out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face on Conan). But here they are, in lieu of animated mouths, in the amazingly bad CAPTAIN FATHOM: RUSTLERS OF THE SEA RANGE. You can see the whole episode on the Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale here! My birthday is Friday, and what better gift to me than to buy my fabulously cheap and entertaining collection of crud. But, for now, become witness to the horror that is Animated Molars and the boring, BORING conversation that whistles through them. Also, apparently they can’t afford real bird sound effects.

*Human Teeth inside a dog’s mouth, perhaps

And, of course, here’s Clutch Cargo…

I’m Irish. I hate corn beef and cabbage, I hate green beer, and I hate green vomit in my goddamned city streets. But in honor of my dear departed grandmother’s birthday today, and to all the faithfully departed, here are some shitty St. Patrick’s Day cartoons. Don’t enjoy!

1. The Very First Ever Lucky Charms Commercial: animated by Peanut’s Bill Melendez. Why in the hell do they bother trotting out each individual marshmallow and announcing “pink hearts, green clovers!” on a black and white TV?!?!?

It’s interesting that “Lucky” endures to this day, but this mascot never did. Hmm….

Alright you mick bastards, follow the rainbow for even more!
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Let’s close out Racial Insensitivity Week with a shotgun bang (what’s up with that thang), and two of my favorite NOT SAFE FOR WORK videos. We had a ton of new visitors this week—thanks folks—which either means people love being extremely uncomfortable, or they just enjoy seeing puppets cross new and exciting racial divides. Next week we’ll return to our more mature posts.

The following videos are definitely vulgar, and will certainly be offensive to some, but aren’t necessarily racist (well, to me, anyway). Great satire? Sure. But a lot of people disagree,  as the second video caused a small shitstorm of controversy when it aired on BET. Obviously, they hadn’t seen “All This And Rabbit Stew” recently. Let’s hear what you think in the comments section.

Whichever side of the fence you’re on, 20 bones says you’ll be singing these songs all weekend.

By the way, keep those 3-D glasses you get for the Super Bowl at the grocery store. You’re gonna need ‘em for next week’s post!

Yep, good ol’ war propaganda shorts and the awful music that accompanies them. Thank God they don’t subject us to this inescapable crap before movies anymore. This Popeye ‘toon is pretty famous, and with lyrics like this why wouldn’t it be?:

“You’re a sap, Mr. Jap, you make a Yankee cranky! You’re a sap, Mr. Jap, Uncle Sammy’s gonna spanky!”

Yeah, when Pearl Harbor was attacked, and thousands of young men and women were slaughtered and mutilated by Japanese bombs, there’s nothing like “Uncle Sammy’s gonna spanky” to send the enemy skittering back to their foxholes to curl up and urinate into their own shoes.

You know, in times of war when the most grave offenses have been brought to American soil, I often find that’s when the world’s worst lyrics are penned…
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