Ok, at this point I’d rather hear Clint Eastwood sing then see another Rocket Robin Hood clip. But this show keeps on giving. How could I let you down after all the build up? This is a longer clip than normal (wow! 2 whole minutes! Who will have the marathon nerve to watch the whole thing!)

But here’s your story so far:

1. Rocket Robin Hood has a plan that may or may not involve Little John bending over. YEE-AY AH! WHAT!?!?! [That's supposed to be Lil' Jon. Doesn't really translate in blog form.]

2. Rocket Robin Hood leaves his girlfriend to rot in a cell just to carry out some stupid prank and his dumb ass almost gets killed in the process.

3. Rocket Robin Hood, somehow, is surprised monsters live on Planet Lucifer.

Caught up? Good. Now all that’s left to see is the, ahem, “hilarious” shenanigans that ensue. SEE! The jerky animation! HEAR! The crowd make noises that will make your stomach gurgle with unrest! WATCH! Jokes as they fall flatter than Lindsay Lohan’s chest! GASP! At the countless continuity errors, wherein the ape-kid from The Others is in the man’s arms, and suddenly standing beside him!

And all this so they can just ESCAPE LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE 3 GODDAMNED DAYS AGO.

Eat me, Rocket Robin Hood.

“Don’t start no shit, there wouldn’t be no shit.” Now there’s a rap lyric Rocket Robin Hood should have taken to heart before touching his long, dull, sparky sword to a dinosaur’s tail, setting it off in a blind rage. Rocket Robin Hood’s next plan is to wave the sword around at its tail, which is about as scary as Keifer Sutherland’s twin sister:

Whoa, ho ho! Allllll aboard for Tranny Town! Come to think of it, that’s pretty effing scary compared to this. Where else does Team Robin Hood go wrong?

1. Coming to Planet Lucifer in the first place and not expecting to tango with death.

2. Playing Dead by laying under the dinosaur’s tail.

3. Not hiring a real monster, but instead having a real person making a “RRRRR!” sound  at 00:33

4. Little John practically hanging his Lil’ John straight out the skirt when bending down by his fallen partner’s face.

This may not seem like an outright awful cliffhanger to Rocket Robin Hood (it’s Robin Hood…in space!) until you realize the utter hypocrisy and lie at its core.

“A prehistoric monster was not part of that plan” to save Maid Marion and Friar Tuck? I call BULLSHIT. Why? Because, in this episode, Robin Hood is also imprisoned but escapes waaaayy before his friends do. And instead of walking ONE DOOR OVER and freeing his girlfriend and his fat, celibate friend and getting the hell out of there, Rocket Robin Hood and Little John sneak out of the compound and fly to PLANET LUCIFER first.

And why would you fly to Planet effing Lucifer first instead of just saving the day? Well, to capture a hairy ape creature, dress it like Maid Marion, do an old switcheroo, and trick the Sheriff’s “sti-uuuuuupid” son into marrying the ape. That’s his plan: To bring a little merriment while saving his friends lives, and possibly make Little John bend over. And since Planet Lucifer houses all the horrors you would think a planet named after Satan himself would have, I find it hard to believe that a giant dragon wouldn’t end up being part of this dumbass plan.

So the point I’m getting at is this: Rocket Robin Hood is an asshole. And that goes double for his narrator.

In a blatant attempt to one-up Rocket Robin Hood’s foppish wish for “merriment and sweet amusement,” Little John utters something unlike I’ve never, ever, ever heard in a cartoon. It’s not even like the Texas Jack clip, where I’m pretty sure he’s saying something else. Little John totally just said what you think he said. His “joke” doesn’t even make sense in any non-dirty context it was presumably intended for! As fodder for a snarky cartoon site, Rocket Robin Hood lobs softballs. I don’t even have to do any work here.

There’s a lot more of Little John coming this week right here on the site. Also, I didn’t mean that like it sounded.

Imagine my surprise when I pooped this tape into a VCR and was greeted by a Clip Art Space Mr. Bill  with a reeeeeally loudly overdubbed voice whisked me into his little corner of the vaccum of space. That’s not a typo, by the way—I did not “pop” this tape into the VCR. Now imagine my surprise when that thing announced it had a name: Harmony Heart. Terrifying, isn’t it? “HOW YA DOIN’ OUT THERE?” But he doesn’t give us time to answer. My answer would have been, “I had been doing fine, until a dark portion of my life from Epcot’s ‘Captain E.O.’ ride decided to track me into the future and greet me once more.”

On first glance, he’s sort of gingerbread man who has apparently discovered David Bowie late in life and—by the look on his face—dark, 52nd Street theatre houses playing movies like “Anus the Menace.” My God…it’s full of stars. But I’ll tell you one thing: I felt compelled to drop everything I was doing to sing along with Harmony Heart, and it was eventually my honor to mangle grammar with him.

It’s Friday, and I think I will open up all of the doors today, my friends. I have all the keys. All I need is a track in the background. I will come fun learning with this man. And just look what kind of come fun learning adventures you’re going to come fun learn! Sonny and Cher! The Train of…Caipiro? Umm…white kids dressed like indians…hey, what in the hell kind of fun learning is this anyway, you educational rainbow creature? Well, we’ve come this far. There’s no turning back. I can’t think of a better way to spend Friday the 13th.

Postscript: When he says “FUNNNN LEARNING!” all I can think of is TV’s Frank from Mystery Science Theater bellowing “DEEEEP HURTING!” In truth, they are the same.