First things first: Why don’t you celebrate Cinco De Mayo the way Jesus intended.

SOOO…Jeff Sparkman, the kind fellow who sent me this little gold mine we call The Pac-Man Saturday Morning Preview, pretty much sums up the following clip in one of his posts:

“While watching the Mork and Mindy cartoon, my 5-year-old got up, and told me, ‘This isn’t very good,’ and walked away.”

Once again, Dick Clark offers up a couple of clues but before he can lambaste the children for guessing incorrectly, Orson—the booming voice from Mork & Mindy, a television program these children are all very well versed in—lays the smackdown on Dick. That’s Ralph James, bitch—the recognizable voiceover artist also behind the eighties Spider-Man’s Dr. Doom, and several other things I don’t feel like IMDB-ing.

It’s such a hilarious and interesting bit, that Orson is allowed to just prattle on while poor Dick and the children have nothing to do. One child decides to hand Dick Clark his popcorn, and then immediately takes it back. This unscripted move by this rogue, outside-the-box-method-acting-Johnny seems to tick Dick Clark off, because he doesn’t so much as mouth a “thank you” before gripping the popcorn coldly and looking away as if something that f—ing weird didn’t just happen.

After 1:15 seconds, when the cartoon starts, you’re on your own. These are waters even a doe-eyed 5-year-old won’t dip her toes into. The minute Mork begins yelling at a bowl of fruit and dishing out onion puns, my eyeballs dripped out of my head like runny egg whites.

Also, IMDB claims Robin Williams actually did the voice for this cartoon. I’m not convinced. But I’m not strong enough to give it a good, critical listen. Perhaps you should let me know in the comments section.

[PS: The Winners of the Freak-Out Friday Contest have been decided! Your prizes are being boxed up, and winners will be announced t'morrow!]

If you were to have a swine flu fever-dream in 1983, it might look something like the following clip.

First of all, Dick Clark somehow can’t NOT be a douche no matter how hard he tries. It’s bad enough that these kids have to go along with this awful charade of pretending they know who Laverne and Shirley are, and are expected to muster the energy (spoiler: they don’t) to shout out the name of a cartoon show based on these two past-their-prime sitcom characters. Get to the Snorks, Dick.

And then Dick has the balls to put down an audience member who has the gall to mention Santa Claus as a potential Laverne and Shirley guest star. He almost seems insulted, or like he’s dealing with a heckler at the Funny Bone. “No..that’s just…you’re wrong. REAL wrong. effin’kids i oughta effin’ beat you with those cue cards…” I mean, what in the hell were they supposed to say? Is it outside the realm of possibility that on a desperate and sad cartoon like Laverne and Shirley that Santa Claus wouldn’t show up?

The next deer-in-the-headlines victim of Dick’s constant prodding gets it close by saying “Squealy,” probably meaning Squiggy—which is a great guess for a girl who has never heard of Laverne and Shirley—and Dick Clark mercillously sweeps the leg and goes in for the kill. In Dick Clark’s defense, there is a slight difference between Squiggy and Squealy.

Luckily, someone had the forethought to tape over the next couple seconds of the Pac-Man Saturday Morning Preview with something called SUPER TV, which—sadly—runs its course and is out of my life before i have time to pick up the phone and order what appeared to be the greatest thing I have ever f—king seen in my life. “I can get ‘On Golden Pond’ AND perm porn? Surely, this Super TV can’t be for real!!!”

Then it’s back to the Fonz, wishing he were sticking his head in an active volcano right.

Check out this bored-to-tears moppet, the female Froggy from Our Gang, staring into the void and dutifully answering Dick’s asinine question lest she get put right in her goddamned place by theageless man with the microphone. Oh, how I love her. She speaks for all of us…she seems to be saying, “Kill me…kill me…kill me…kill me…”

Picture this: you’re 8 years old, and the best day of your life is about to begin. It’s a hot Burbank day, and you’ve waited in line with your mom all morning because you’re going to attend a television show taping! And not just any taping, it’s the PAC-MAN SATURDAY MORNING PREVIEW. That’s right, the Golden God himself has put his chomp chomp chomp of approval on ABC’s Saturday morning lineup. Your Ocean Pacific shorts immediately pop their first pup tent.

It hits you: YOU are going to witness this sneak preview before anyone else in the world. There are no cell phone cameras. There are no security guys with night vision anti-piracy cameras, or nerds saying “meh” on message boards afterwards. You don’t even know what the word “meh” means yet, nor have you yet grown to hate the lukewarm, three letter, impressed-by-nothing phrase that will come to define every smug asshole with a keyboard and nothing interesting to contribute.

And…oh my god…it’s being filmed on the American Bandstand set, Studio B! Not because this show isn’t important enough to warrant it’s own special set, but because DICK CLARK is hosting and this is his house where he sleeps!

The first thing that happens is that Dick Clark tells the kid next to you to shut his goddamn yap before the show even starts. That’s cool, because that kid was going to be trouble anyway. You could tell. So what’s the first show we’re going to see, premiered for you and you alone? Omigod, the anticipation.

Well, it’s…”Laverne & Shirley with The Fonz.” Or “Laverne and Shirley with Special Guest Star The Fonz.” Or “Mork & Mindy/Laverne & Shirley/The Fonz Hour.” It’s one of those, as you’ll find out 20 years later nursing your nostalgia wounds on IMDB.com.  But that’s what they’re calling it, for real. Really? Ok, they’re starting small. But…Holy god with a title that complicated, it must be good. Why else would they drag these characters you’ve never heard of from beyond the sitcom grave?

And, what’s this? Fonz is in the studio! The man who invented jumping the shark is here! And there’s an irritating guy with him, voicing a dog called “Cool”! So THIS is how cartoons are voiced! So THIS is how careers are undone! So THIS is what the phrase “Sniff Out the Pork” sounds like coming out of Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli’s mouth!

Ok, that was probably the worst thing you’ve ever seen, but you’ll clap because there’s GOT to be something better coming. Everyone else is laughing. Are you supposed to be laughing? We were promised Pac-Man, right? Dick Clark is now looking right at you. You’re not clapping hard enough. Oh man…he can tell…holy crap please don’t come over here…

These are cartoons…they’re supposed to make kids happy…this is the world premeire show…so how come when you watch this cartoon spectacle unfold, all you can think about is THIS?

And there’s an entire hour of the Dick Clark cartoon spectacular left? Oh momma momma…why didn’t you warn me!?!?

Happy 4/20, evil drug criminals and/or prescription-approved non-criminals! Yes, potheads love cartoons, and potheads loved fellow pot smoker Bob Denver. In fact, the lot of them must have gotten together and smoked about 3 bricks of stem-filled schwag to come up with an idea like “Gilligan’s Planet.”

It’s true I’ve never seen Gilligan’s Planet, but I’m putting my all money on “suck.” Here are some clues, gumshoes:

1. The original Mary Ann (Dawn Wells) does the voices for Mary Ann AND Ginger for this show, and they don’t even attempt to hide it in the credit sequence! I would love to have seen the cat fight between Dawn Wells and Tina Louise when Ginger found out what that bitch was up to.

2. Instead of sticking with one of the catchiest theme songs of all time and, I don’t know, changing the words to space-based bullshit, the cast is forced to sing-speak some blathering nonsense like “We’ve got a bra-nd new sto-ry, a-bout the cast-a-ways” and they can’t even keep on beat.

3. They have a banana powered, wooden spaceship that has no problem escaping the white-hot atmosphere.

4. The moral: F–k up royaly and ruin everyone’s life once, and they’ll name an island after you. F–k up royally a second time, ensuring everyone will most certainly die in space, and they’ll name the planet after you.

5. The big punchline in the last 10 seconds will make you want to dig up Bob Denver’s corpse, hollow out his head, and smoke crack out of his eye socket. UGHHH….

Now, as a bonus non-cartoon freak out, I’ll go ahead and post my Radiohead video my buddy Nick uploaded. Pack one tight and listen to this true story: We had a listening party for Radiohead’s Hail to the Thief in 2003 (I know, I know…equal parts pretentious and retarded). Instead of staring at our feet, I popped in some videotapes at random so we could look at something while listening. I put in the movie Apocalypse Snow, a bargain bin skiing movie, when “Sit Down, Stand Up” began and just let it roll. It matched up perfectly. This YouTube video is largely untouched from how we witnessed it, with some hyperactive editing bits thrown in at the end by my buddy Nick. And get this: the video is 4:20 LONG. Well…4:24. But STILL. COINCIDENCE?!? And not a single person was stoned out of their gourds when we first saw this. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be: Happy pothead day, potheads.