Little John bends over is enjoying a nice boost in views over at YouTube, and it’s clear to see why: he’s one of the most likable, terrible characters ever. Why isn’t there a cult following around this guy yet? Say what you will about the animation and the writing, but the way they guy doing Little John’s voice delivers his understated lines makes me smile everytime. I know, I know…that hardly seems possible.

Oh man…this clip is short, but it gets funnier and funnier the more you watch it. Maybe it’s just me, but I cannot get enough of this clip. The creepy, human-mouthed mothers are back from Captain Fathom, and this is an exchange between villains—the Nazi Dominatrix shows up to the International Villains Meeting on the High Seas (or whatever) and is, like, 10 minutes late. The old guy is obsessed—OBSESSED, I say—with punctuality, as you’ll remember. She thinks she’s doing her token Hindu pal a favor, but totally throws him under the bus by accident. The look on his face? Most priceless thing ever. This round to you, old man. 

[Sigh...If only YouTube would freeze on the last frame instead of whisking you to some other shit no one cares about...I'm really starting to hate the new YouTube.]

Ok, at this point I’d rather hear Clint Eastwood sing then see another Rocket Robin Hood clip. But this show keeps on giving. How could I let you down after all the build up? This is a longer clip than normal (wow! 2 whole minutes! Who will have the marathon nerve to watch the whole thing!)

But here’s your story so far:

1. Rocket Robin Hood has a plan that may or may not involve Little John bending over. YEE-AY AH! WHAT!?!?! [That's supposed to be Lil' Jon. Doesn't really translate in blog form.]

2. Rocket Robin Hood leaves his girlfriend to rot in a cell just to carry out some stupid prank and his dumb ass almost gets killed in the process.

3. Rocket Robin Hood, somehow, is surprised monsters live on Planet Lucifer.

Caught up? Good. Now all that’s left to see is the, ahem, “hilarious” shenanigans that ensue. SEE! The jerky animation! HEAR! The crowd make noises that will make your stomach gurgle with unrest! WATCH! Jokes as they fall flatter than Lindsay Lohan’s chest! GASP! At the countless continuity errors, wherein the ape-kid from The Others is in the man’s arms, and suddenly standing beside him!

And all this so they can just ESCAPE LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE 3 GODDAMNED DAYS AGO.

Eat me, Rocket Robin Hood.

This may not seem like an outright awful cliffhanger to Rocket Robin Hood (it’s Robin Hood…in space!) until you realize the utter hypocrisy and lie at its core.

“A prehistoric monster was not part of that plan” to save Maid Marion and Friar Tuck? I call BULLSHIT. Why? Because, in this episode, Robin Hood is also imprisoned but escapes waaaayy before his friends do. And instead of walking ONE DOOR OVER and freeing his girlfriend and his fat, celibate friend and getting the hell out of there, Rocket Robin Hood and Little John sneak out of the compound and fly to PLANET LUCIFER first.

And why would you fly to Planet effing Lucifer first instead of just saving the day? Well, to capture a hairy ape creature, dress it like Maid Marion, do an old switcheroo, and trick the Sheriff’s “sti-uuuuuupid” son into marrying the ape. That’s his plan: To bring a little merriment while saving his friends lives, and possibly make Little John bend over. And since Planet Lucifer houses all the horrors you would think a planet named after Satan himself would have, I find it hard to believe that a giant dragon wouldn’t end up being part of this dumbass plan.

So the point I’m getting at is this: Rocket Robin Hood is an asshole. And that goes double for his narrator.

Human Teeth: is there anything more horrible?* I don’t like my teeth. I don’t like a lot of other people’s teeth. People with good teeth? Suck it. I hate those people too. They’re painful, dirty, breakable little things and they most certainly don’t belong in cartoons (unless its Robert Smigel’s mouth coming out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face on Conan). But here they are, in lieu of animated mouths, in the amazingly bad CAPTAIN FATHOM: RUSTLERS OF THE SEA RANGE. You can see the whole episode on the Worst Cartoons Ever DVD, for sale here! My birthday is Friday, and what better gift to me than to buy my fabulously cheap and entertaining collection of crud. But, for now, become witness to the horror that is Animated Molars and the boring, BORING conversation that whistles through them. Also, apparently they can’t afford real bird sound effects.

*Human Teeth inside a dog’s mouth, perhaps

And, of course, here’s Clutch Cargo…