When I lived in New York, my friends and I would get in constant fights about what to call Pop. I call Pepsi pop. They call Pepsi Soda. In the South, they call Pepsi “Coke.” As in “I’ll have a Coke. Oh, what kind? A Pepsi.” It’s the linguistic argument of our time. Pepsi’s even been catering to the Midwest—with disingenuousness as clear as Crystal Pepsi—with a series of signs exploiting our fair slang. They’re both clever, and borderline insulting.

Left to Right: Ok, “Pop,” yes. We call it that. And “Sody Pop”? Really? They’re fixin’ to put up a Sody Pop sign down by the crick bed what for ta’ advertise us with? Unbelievable.

But at a local gas station today, I finally had to admit to myself that the use of the word “pop” isn’t always a good choice. As this cartoon logo, with it’s “X-Treme sun splorch ‘toon guy” (I hope that’s what it is) joins the ranks of the Midwest gas chain “Kum N’ Go” as an unfortunate use of slogans. I shall never think of Pop the same way again. Thanks for ruining my most preferred folksy colloquialism, Road Ranger.

Got my favorite comment this week under one of the many Dick Clark posts:

Stupid. Not funny, just boringly stupid. Not really having a good time around here, so I’m moving on. -Bored To Tears

Yeah, well the jerkstore called and they’re runnin’ outta YOU! I’m intrigued by the man/woman/cretin who “hangs around” a website like a bar that’s closed hours ago and won’t leave, and apparently doesn’t understand the concept of “surfing” the internet (but rather camps in one spot), but now that the dickweeds have wandered off, I can share with the cool kids table another clip from the Dick Clark Saturday Morning Bore-a-Rama. This one simply has Shaggy giving Scooby the Scooby Shocker. His real prize is ending up with his head directly up the Great Dane’s butt. INCONVENIENT! 

Boringly stupid, indeed

Now here’s a premise I can get behind: Gary Coleman, except dead.

 So, wait… all Gary Coleman has to do is pleasure himself and he returns from the dead? At this rate, he’ll never stay in the grave! BLAST!

Yep, there is something you didn’t think you’d see when you woke up today: a masturbating Gary Coleman angel. Thank you for coming to my website. There’s a comment card on the nightstand. I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Ok, ok…FINE. One more time. And slooower, just for the ladies.

In a blatant attempt to one-up Rocket Robin Hood’s foppish wish for “merriment and sweet amusement,” Little John utters something unlike I’ve never, ever, ever heard in a cartoon. It’s not even like the Texas Jack clip, where I’m pretty sure he’s saying something else. Little John totally just said what you think he said. His “joke” doesn’t even make sense in any non-dirty context it was presumably intended for! As fodder for a snarky cartoon site, Rocket Robin Hood lobs softballs. I don’t even have to do any work here.

There’s a lot more of Little John coming this week right here on the site. Also, I didn’t mean that like it sounded.

Ever wonder where Stephen Colbert liberally borrows his Tek Jansen characters from? Just check out this ungodly 1967 toon called Johnny Cypher in Dimension Zero, which Jerry Beck cites as one of the first American/Anime hybrids. I’ve got an episode from my buddy John Dodd, and I guarantee you won’t ever see Stephen Colbert thwart a giant, man-goo spurting skeet planet. Well, maybe. Actually, I’m not ruling it out. I’ve got more Johnny Cypher coming (easy…settle down) this week, but I’ve just gotta show this clip first.

How should I set this up…Well, you see, the bad guys shoot this giant bullet into this asteroid that…well, just watch for yourself. And it’s pretty disturbing how familiar the guy in this clip finds the, umm, substance. Not to mention that the mysterious space skeet disintegrates any testicles—I mean PEACHES, those are clearly PEACHES—within range.