Little John bends over is enjoying a nice boost in views over at YouTube, and it’s clear to see why: he’s one of the most likable, terrible characters ever. Why isn’t there a cult following around this guy yet? Say what you will about the animation and the writing, but the way they guy doing Little John’s voice delivers his understated lines makes me smile everytime. I know, I know…that hardly seems possible.

Yesterday was Earth Day and as you may have noticed, there was no new post on the website. Not because I just “couldn’t get around to it,” but because I was extremely busy turning on all the lights in my house, spraying aerosol cans out my window, and burning leaves in the backyard. That’s right, I miss burning leaves like crazy: My neighbors had a burn barrel and they used to do it all the time, and we would throw open the windows and just let it roll on in. There’s nothing like that smell and that smoke wafting across your eyeballs… so screw you, screw this “go green” catchphrase crap, and screw Captain Planet: his cartoon sucks now, it sucked then. No kids liked this show. If they did, their parents were probably the kind of people that made them turn off the water while they were brushing their teeth. Me? I like the sound of water running while I’m brushing my teeth. Remember when Earth Day first came out, and everybody made relentless fun of it? Apparently, I’m the only person left who remembers that.

Check out Captain Planet’s awesome mirror-opposites. Now THESE are some guys I’d like to burn leaves and throw cans out the window with.

Hells yeah…I want a “Deforestation Ring.” But how are these “Pollution Powers” bad, exactly? 

1. “Super Radiation”—you could totally use that on cancer. Not so bad.

2. “Deforestation”—not a way to pollute. Unless you’re polluting parking lots with all those useless saplings.

3. “Smog”—What’s the big deal? In the nineties, Smog was short for “S’Mores and POGS.” Who would argue with hot S’Mores and a fun, quick-paced game of POGS, everyone’s favorite collectible milkcap game (apologies to Slammer Jammers)? Give me that ring and let the good times materialize!

4. “Artic”?—I can’t tell what he’s saying with that stupid rag on his mouth.

5. “Hate”—Yes, hate. what an awful pollutant. I say it’s the fuel of the future. Imagine how many miles to the gallon Ray Liota’s car would get!! The sound’s pretty bad though, she also might be saying “Paint.” As in “that evil Mauve jumpsuit color that makes your stomach queasy.” That’s pretty evil, I guess.

And now, here’s Not-Fensler doing a Not-Fensler-Films version of those GI Joe spots, with Captain Planet. It’s a’ight.

Check out this awesome video response to Little John Bends Over For No One! This oughta get your Tuesday morning bumping. And since I owe a shit-ton of money in taxes, I need the cheering up. Sure could use a few DVD SALES HINT HINT HINT HINT. You know, if you get the inkling.

I’m headed to Metropolis, IL this weekend—AKA the unsanctioned by DC Comics, depressing, 3 hours from nowhere, tourist trap fun spot with giant Superman statue—for the Harrah’s Casino Rock Band Tournament! Why? Because I’m hoping I’ll run into a chain smoking feeb with a Nick-At-Nite logo on his shirt and a Superman “Who never says yes to a cigarette” and talks with that voice your dickhead big brother uses when he repeats everything you say. That’s funny, the Superman I know might not smoke, but he would never not say “no” to things that kill probably kill you just as bad.

Actually, I’m going cause I’ll be doing a little video game reporting for my buddies Gary and Anton (and my occasional stomping grounds) over at Joystick Division, and Jesse “Junkstore” Thompson and I (you have him to thank for this) are getting free room and board for it. And we’re probably going to steal the road sign that says, I shit you not, “Lois Ln.” Best use of Google Earth to spot a pun from space ever.

But we’re not staying at Harrah’s. Oh no. The casino hotel is for high-rollers and dirty, cheating, sweetly retarded, card-counting bastard brothers of Tom Cruise. No, we’re staying at the hotel across the street. Why? Because there is a @#^$% Oakridge Boys concert and Harrah’s is all booked. Giddy Up.

So, if you’re in the Metropolis area (I’m looking at you, people within walking distance of Harrah’s Casino who were probably going there to play nickel slots anyway) sign up and rock out with me and the Oakridge Boys tonight at 8! And, if you can’t make it to Metropolis, IL (SPOILER ALERT: you can’t) then there are actually a bunch of really good events going on around the country, with the chance to win a bunch of money and open for the B-52s in Atlantic City. Why, you’ll be able to get the scoop on the whole shebang over at Topless Robot pretty soon. But wouldn’t you rather just buy a Worst Cartoons Ever DVD (screen right) instead of using all that energy winning a contest where the grand prize is playing a video game in front of an angry, annoyed crowd who paid good money to see Fred Schneider utter  the words “rock lobster”? The choice is yours. But I would never eff with hardcore Fred Schneider fans or their ilk. 

Ok, at this point I’d rather hear Clint Eastwood sing then see another Rocket Robin Hood clip. But this show keeps on giving. How could I let you down after all the build up? This is a longer clip than normal (wow! 2 whole minutes! Who will have the marathon nerve to watch the whole thing!)

But here’s your story so far:

1. Rocket Robin Hood has a plan that may or may not involve Little John bending over. YEE-AY AH! WHAT!?!?! [That's supposed to be Lil' Jon. Doesn't really translate in blog form.]

2. Rocket Robin Hood leaves his girlfriend to rot in a cell just to carry out some stupid prank and his dumb ass almost gets killed in the process.

3. Rocket Robin Hood, somehow, is surprised monsters live on Planet Lucifer.

Caught up? Good. Now all that’s left to see is the, ahem, “hilarious” shenanigans that ensue. SEE! The jerky animation! HEAR! The crowd make noises that will make your stomach gurgle with unrest! WATCH! Jokes as they fall flatter than Lindsay Lohan’s chest! GASP! At the countless continuity errors, wherein the ape-kid from The Others is in the man’s arms, and suddenly standing beside him!

And all this so they can just ESCAPE LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE 3 GODDAMNED DAYS AGO.

Eat me, Rocket Robin Hood.