I’m headed to Metropolis, IL this weekend—AKA the unsanctioned by DC Comics, depressing, 3 hours from nowhere, tourist trap fun spot with giant Superman statue—for the Harrah’s Casino Rock Band Tournament! Why? Because I’m hoping I’ll run into a chain smoking feeb with a Nick-At-Nite logo on his shirt and a Superman “Who never says yes to a cigarette” and talks with that voice your dickhead big brother uses when he repeats everything you say. That’s funny, the Superman I know might not smoke, but he would never not say “no” to things that kill probably kill you just as bad.

Actually, I’m going cause I’ll be doing a little video game reporting for my buddies Gary and Anton (and my occasional stomping grounds) over at Joystick Division, and Jesse “Junkstore” Thompson and I (you have him to thank for this) are getting free room and board for it. And we’re probably going to steal the road sign that says, I shit you not, “Lois Ln.” Best use of Google Earth to spot a pun from space ever.

But we’re not staying at Harrah’s. Oh no. The casino hotel is for high-rollers and dirty, cheating, sweetly retarded, card-counting bastard brothers of Tom Cruise. No, we’re staying at the hotel across the street. Why? Because there is a @#^$% Oakridge Boys concert and Harrah’s is all booked. Giddy Up.

So, if you’re in the Metropolis area (I’m looking at you, people within walking distance of Harrah’s Casino who were probably going there to play nickel slots anyway) sign up and rock out with me and the Oakridge Boys tonight at 8! And, if you can’t make it to Metropolis, IL (SPOILER ALERT: you can’t) then there are actually a bunch of really good events going on around the country, with the chance to win a bunch of money and open for the B-52s in Atlantic City. Why, you’ll be able to get the scoop on the whole shebang over at Topless Robot pretty soon. But wouldn’t you rather just buy a Worst Cartoons Ever DVD (screen right) instead of using all that energy winning a contest where the grand prize is playing a video game in front of an angry, annoyed crowd who paid good money to see Fred Schneider utter  the words “rock lobster”? The choice is yours. But I would never eff with hardcore Fred Schneider fans or their ilk. 

I’m Irish. I hate corn beef and cabbage, I hate green beer, and I hate green vomit in my goddamned city streets. But in honor of my dear departed grandmother’s birthday today, and to all the faithfully departed, here are some shitty St. Patrick’s Day cartoons. Don’t enjoy!

1. The Very First Ever Lucky Charms Commercial: animated by Peanut’s Bill Melendez. Why in the hell do they bother trotting out each individual marshmallow and announcing “pink hearts, green clovers!” on a black and white TV?!?!?

It’s interesting that “Lucky” endures to this day, but this mascot never did. Hmm….

Alright you mick bastards, follow the rainbow for even more!
(more…)

A while back, I detailed the gayest evil villain plot ever.  I know that only sounds like I’m throwing around the word “gay” as a nasty, Maxim-style fratboy pejorative, but I beg of you: how would you describe a man who tries to take over the world with lollipops? Even my gay friends are at a loss. 

This video may edge it out. It’s from the Yum Yums, which I’m sure you’ll remember. Let’s break it down:

1. The plan begins with a hearty jizz drizzle over their giant gumball machine, where a mix between a syphilitic elephant and Edward G. Robinson’s retarded brother wants to “take some bounce out of the boys and girls fuuuuun, seee? Where’s your Messiah now, Yum Yums? Seeeee?”

2. The “Mayor,” who looks like something Howie Mandell shat out in Little Monsters, has the winning evil plan: “The kids will HATE this ride…UNLESS THEY LIKE RIDING BACKWARDS!” Great plan, dickcheese. But what if they DO like riding backwards? Some rides, like the Batman coaster, are built for that very, quite-fun purpose. Why not just bake them some cupcakes? They’ll HATE those cupcakes…unless they LIKE those cupcakes! Bwah ha ha ha ha HA!

3. “We only have to mess up the Popcorn Train and the Donut Dunk and we’re done!” Yeah…Those already sound pretty messed up. Better call it a day, boys.

4. “They’ll never fix it in time without their Magic Tool Box!” Yeah, because those rides use a Peppermint Metric system, and it’s a real bitch to find a 3/4″ Metric Flare Licorice-Wrench with Cinnamon Coating once you lose it. You’re gonna want a Gumdrop Hose Coupling too, or the whole things in the crapper. I mean, I can probably get one in by next week but…it’s no guarantee.

The Yum Yums, in addition to being the most irritating cartoon spawn I’ve seen to date (yes, including Texas Jack) are also under the incorrect assumption that as long as you act cute, your actions won’t be perceived as the most dickish things in the entire universe. In fact, their amplified by words like “Peppy-Mint” and “jiffy.” Try to stomach this clip as long as you can.

And now, Worst Cartoons Ever Theatre presents another episode of “The Worsties. In this short, a moral examination of the butterfly situation, as told via another awful, awful, cheap-ass cartoon.

I can’t think of a better way to close out the week than with one of the most irritating songs I’ve ever heard, the Care Bear clone “Yum Yums”—created by Hallmark to promote an equally irritating toyline. Eighties girl’s cartoons were trying to out-cute each other for years, and this one took it to nauseatingly saccharine heights that would even give cupcakes diabetes: I mean, really, water skiiing on Pepto Bismol? Dickish squirt flowers? Cookie Hollywood Squares?

And, good god, if you have diabetes yourself, then please tell me what to make of this when you saw it as a kid.

There is no IMDB listing for this cartoon so I will assume everyone involved is being tortured at an undisclosed location. Oh, and the Johnny Cypher Big Contest winner will be announced Monday, so be sure to enter before then!