I thought I would take a second to take a breather from Racial Insensitivity Week…it really is depressing seeing all these at once. So hey, why not show you what I ran into at Walgreens this week:

Wow. a “Poo” humidifier. I mean, it’s an easy typo to make I guess, but there’s no excuse for it. You’re an American: learn the difference between your words for lethargic, animated bears and human excrement. In any case, some one with rock-solid poo is going to be very disappointed when they get this home to try out.

And, speaking of rock hard Pooh, here’s one of the more famous cartoon bootlegs that circulated for years before the advent of the internet: APOCALYPSE POOH, one of the earliest “mash up” videos….

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My buddy Wernowsky and I worked a double for old man Peterson today (who had the balls to ask us to move pallets to the north end of the warehouse on the advice of some third-party logistics provider. As you’ll recall, we store all the galddamn pallets without RFID tags on that end! That kind of shit may fly at TradeBeam but not around here).

SO, we finally punch out, git down to the ATM  ‘fore it closes (the ATMs are open ’til 10 here) for a roll of quarters (the ATMs round here dispense rolls of quarters, on account of the sheer demand), stand in line behind some sumbitch who lost his PIN Number or something, and finally head up to the Shop N’ Drink to start the weekend the way we’ve done EVERY Friday for 10 years: Scooby-Doo tattoos and peanut butter.

Peanut Butter’s all recalled, which gits Kris to cryin’. And then this sends us both over the edge..

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Yep, that tears it…I think I’m-a murder somebody.

When we last checked in with Jason Priestley, he was showing kids how not to blow their brains out. Everybody’s gonna be like Fonzie. And what’s Fonzie like? He’s cool. We’re allll gonna be cool.

This is the video where we learn, because Eddie Eagle was “born with those Eagle Eyes,” that “before long, Eddie was in charge the entire gun safety department.” Makes sense to me. I was born with “those human ears,” you don’t see me running the CIA’s wiretap program. The fact is, you don’t get to where Eddie the Eagle got to without killing a whole lot of people on the way up, and I think Jason Priestley’s glossed over some of the darker years.

But since we’re suspending disbelief, lets just go with the fact that Grandma keeps a loaded gun in her attic, where the one-kid-per-ethnicity at a time gets to rifle around in her stuff (pun intended! Hy-yuk!) and suggestively stroke grandma’s baseball bat. I guess the only thing we can all agree on is that Eddie is a nosy little bitch. And if he’s looking for trouble in my attic, he’s got the map. A great big, red, flashing map right on top of his head.

Stick with this…I’ve actually edited it for sanity. You’ll be singing this song later when you run across your Step-Uncle’s “Big Beautiful Women” DVD collection.

Yep. This country is pretty much awesome.

There’s a store down the street called “Travellin’ Treasures.” If that weren’t awful enough, it’s got a big, dumpy looking mural of cartoon fish on the outside that looks like it was painted by angry, property-value hating retards.

With a facade like that, you know it’s the kind of place where you’re either walking out with a Scarface bong, or video of Jason Priestley, at the height of his career, conversing about gun control with a cartoon eagle. Because I already own all manner of priceless Scarface memoribilia (including the Spencer’s Gift limited edition Rubik’s Cube. Great for starting a party out right, am I wrong?!), I opted for the video.

“Oh, hello there! You’ve caught me sorting the hell out of 244 episodes worth of behind-the-scenes Ian Ziering slides, as I am wont to do, while perched on a chair. Come right in folks.”

What’s the coolest thing about the NRA? Shooting the shit out of shit, that’s what. I’m not kidding. Until you’ve shot beer bottles without a shirt on in the middle of nowhere, don’t act like you’re too cool for school…
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The beginning of the feature length Rambo cartoon, “The Rescue” (1987)” starts off with a bang, and fully justifies this movie running a full 10 minutes longer than First Blood. Because, clearly, you can’t cut stuff like this. It also introduces the most important character: Poochy, the Balls-High Dog. So this dog was unlucky enough to be minding his own business, when his owner blew some Bangkok Schwag in his face and effed him all up. So he goes to take a nap on a water fountain and sleep it off, and then something goes horribly wrong.

“Is anyone else seeing this shit? Did anyone else hear that guy say the general wants them to take a dump? Also, “Outta my way, Fleabag”? Just…why, dude? Man, I’m so high right now.”