It’s a new year and Worst Cartoons Ever is going through a wide variety of changes. Chris won’t be updating here as often, but, as the new writer for the site, I hope to maintain the quality of insight and snark he provided. This website will continue to be one of the best places to find commentary on all kinds of cartoons.

Cartoons–few things are loved more by children. I can remember every weekend waking up obscenely early to catch hours and hours of cartoons on various networks. Who didn’t rush home after school when they were young just to see another rerun of their favorite show? Cartoons have given the world such timeless classics as Rocky and Bullwinkle, Doug, Pirates of Dark Water, and many others. However, for every classic cartoon we watched as children, there was a slew of crap that streamed into our homes.

We here at Worst Cartoons Ever make it our job to remember…and mock these terrible programs. We believe that bad shows deserve to be mocked not forgotten. Every week we’ll bring you a cartoon to be ridiculed relentlessly. We hope to provide more articles as time goes on including comparisons of our classic cartoons to other forms of animation including CGI films and anime.

I hope that you continue to enjoy all that we provide here, and share our love of bad cartoons.

Hey, it’s Friday! And that just means I gotta dance it out. Maybe I’ll just sashay about, do Disco Teddy Bear. You know how we do. Or maybe I’ll just celebrate with a non-cartoon thing I made in celebration of a great review from the Guardian UK website. Neat!

“There are postings on the difficulty of animating teeth and a video of a talking breast that will send you into a ‘depressing shame spiral’.” -Guardian UK

That’s it! That’s my site exactly! I had you pegged all wrong, foreigners. And now, a non-cartoon featuring Rue McClanahan and an illegal number of cats in a living room. Happy Friday. Or should I say….CATurday! Damn…should have posted this tomorrow for that to work.

Sorry for the late post, but here are your Freak-Out Friday Winners! Each of you should email me your addy or look me up on Facebook (under the moniker “Chris Ward”) to receive your WORST PRIZES EVER Gift Box! You won’t be disappointed. The first winner is none other than Friginator. How could I not give this guy a box of free crap? His entry was ridiculously long, for starters, but very entertaining. I once wrote a 600 word panegyric to Willie Aames from Charles in Charge, so I’m not one to point fingers at verbose web comment entries. Here’s the cartoon that scared him most as a child. He is apparently a giant pussy.

Also, I want to send a box of free crap to Rock Ripsnort. A.) for having the coolest Ninja Turtle villain name that never was and, B.) for making me want to find some episodes of Chuck Jones’ Curiosity Shop, which isn’t on DVD. I couldn’t track  down the cartoon that scared him, but this is pretty much all I need to see.

While we’re on the subject of cartoons that terrified us as children (please, I implore you: enter the contest. There’s one entry for god’s sake. your odds are pretty good.), I think it’s safe to say every child crapped themselves on the inside (which is shortly followed by the inevitable actual pants-crapping) when they see Claymation for the first time: it’s unnatural, it’s jerky, it sometimes involves large raisins playing saxophones. I remember catching this Mark Twain cartoon on TV when I was a child before it was banned altogether for sending most 6-year-olds screaming into rubber rooms for the rest of their lives. I’m sure you have too. If you haven’t, your memories of Mark Twain still include occasionally-racist rafting journeys down the Mississippi. For the rest of us, the Mysterious Stranger (not to be confused with the Phantom Stranger) ranks right up there with Phanto, the flying mask/key-stealing hellbeast from Super Mario 2. Oh, except he’s an Angel named Satan. Goof Troop it’s not.

Shown: one-way ticket to tears-land.

Hey, it’s tax day! So it’s time to pay my dues, and I’d rather pay them to these fine folks. Make sure to pay them a visit.

Huge traffic spikes yesterday thanks to Jesus Loves the Racist Children getting some play over at Everything Is Terrible. Why not check out this incredible site and share the love. They’re good people, and you can see stuff like this

I have contest winner and faithful reader Jeff Sparkman to thank this week, who is sending me a box of cartoon crud in the mail. At his site, he posts the Spongebob Squarepants Burger King commercial that has some conservative talking heads up in arms for using kid’s cartoons in a “sexually suggestive” manner. Well, what do you think? Does it cross the line? Or, more importantly, isn’t the King suppposed to stay 50 ft away from children at all times? Don’t act like you don’t know why.

And remember, Willie says Pay Yo Taxes!