Check it out! In the new ToyFare #141—the one with gummy Wolverine on the cover—you can find a most terrific plug for the website in the Hot Zone section! I mean Buzz Plate. I mean Hot Plate. You get the idea. So go pick up a copy, and then tell me you don’t also suddenly have the urge to start watching the Real World Brooklyn.

So I get a text message from my friend today that is both the most horrible and wonderful text message I’ve ever received. Names will be withheld due to the sensitive nature of the subject:

“Dude…My brother got a piece of undigested bacon lodged in his scrotum!”

Immediately, all the blood in my brain rushed to my Anterior Laugh Muscle, the strongest and most deadly muscle in my body, sending me into a berserker coma. When I awoke, I had to get details. Here’s all I know.

It was from a Subway sandwich…it somehow didn’t digest properly and worked it’s way down there. The doctor had to cut it out! he’s fine now. I’ll call to get details.

First things first: He’ll never be “fine” again. Never again will he eat smoked meats without imagining them traveling down his throat, defiantly taking the off-ramp by his stomach that says “BRIDGE OUT,” crashing through that wall Smokey and the Bandit style, and leading all major blood cells on a Thelma and Louise chase that ends with a painful dive into Scrotum Gulch.

I’m a worrier. I come from a family of worriers. Not once have I worried that bacon that goes down my throat may end up in my balls. Now it’s all I can think about. I don’t know whether to give up bacon, or Subway, or just solid foods in general.

“What’s all this have to do with cartoons,” you ask? Here’s a Porky Pig short to keep us on topic. It’s got bacon and cursing rolled into one…just like my friend’s brother experienced first hand.

Pencils down! The Johnny Cypher Theme Song Contest is Over! Winner gets a free Worst Cartoons Ever DVD (for sale on the right, $10! Cheap!) But, first, a clip that must be a favorite of Robert Smigel’s. Johnny Cypher saves the day by busting though a brick wall, but totally needs a ladder to complete the job. I don’t know why, but it kills me ever time when he dashes off camera and then strolls back on screen with it… I just can’t believe the only thing standing between Earth’s total destruction and its salvation was an Ace Hardware, aluminum step-ladder.

Ok, enough ballyhoo…hit the jump for the contest winners, you meddling fools! They’re getting away! (more…)

Wormy Noel is a kid I’ve really come to love, because he introduces every single Just For Kids cartoon, such as Maxie’s World and The Magic Lollipop Adventure. And he does it every time in his own awkward, wormy, germ-filled way. Kid’s this age smell like Cool Ranch Doritos and B.O., and Noel is no exception. I’m following this up with a music video from the Magic Lollipop Adventure (the only song in existence to rip off Saved By the Bell’s “Friends Forever” by Zack Attack) because, hey, I love you all. And I totally missed a post yesterday. Whatever, check your the tracking on your internet, it was probably your fault.

 And this….

And the song it rips off…

HAPPY NOEL-ENTINE’S DAY, EVERYONE! And remember, there’s no better gift to say “I’m sorry I didn’t get you a gift” than the cheap, cheap Worst Cartoons Ever DVD. Only 10 bucks! Tell ‘em Noel sent you.

A while back, Topless Robot had a contest detailing the worst supervillain world domination plan ever. They are 100% correct in deciding that Transformers Episode #51—in which “Starscream and Soundwave create a nightclub called ‘Dancitron’ to hypnotize humans into slaves”—is the worst villain plot of all time.

I now give you the gayest world domination plot. Not that there’s anything wrong with th…wait, who am I kidding. There is something wrong with this. Get used to clips from The Magic Lollipop Adventure, because I’m going to be debuting  several gems from this sucker all week.