At a stop light yesterday, a familiar site: a cartoon character taking a piss on a Chevy logo (which my dad, and others, pronounce as ”Shivvy” in these parts). Except this was a bizzare mutation of the original  “bootleg- Calvin pissing on Chevy/Ford” logo (even more bizzare than the “praying bootleg-Calvin repenting for his automobile logo micterations in front of a cross”).

This one had a FEMALE bootleg-Calvin squatting over a Chevy logo: a sticker which would be classy on any automobile, certainly, but even more so ON THIS PERSON’S F—KING DODGE SATURN.

I don’t care if you’re jealous or what, if you drive a SATURN you do not get to join in on the Ford vs. Chevy Battle of the White Trash Brand Loyalty. (And why wouldn’t they be loyal, what with these companies laying them off left and right? It’s like cheering for the Cubs if, when the Cubs lost, your family didn’t eat or receive health benefits that month).

Plus, it screws with my mind. It’s like when Hordak suddenly arrived on the scene. Was he on Skeletor’s side? He-Man’s? What the hell was going on in Eternia? Because tainting Bill Watterson’s legacy doesn’t seem to be a good enough reason for doing away with these stickers—nor does returning to the quiet days of painting an entire scene on your van in lieu of vinyl decals–I beg you all to come together and end this pissing match between Shivvy and F’erd. I mean, Chevy and Ford. With the auto industry collapsing totally collapsed, maybe it’s time to come together, for the sake of our children…who I dream will one day drive a Prius with a fake nutsack hanging off the hitch.

Yes, Let’s return to a time when Pat Boone, nay CINDERELLA, made grotesque, uncomfortable, nerve-jangling cartoons in favor of the automobile. I don’t remember Cinderella having 7 dwarves, but whatever.

When I lived in New York, my friends and I would get in constant fights about what to call Pop. I call Pepsi pop. They call Pepsi Soda. In the South, they call Pepsi “Coke.” As in “I’ll have a Coke. Oh, what kind? A Pepsi.” It’s the linguistic argument of our time. Pepsi’s even been catering to the Midwest—with disingenuousness as clear as Crystal Pepsi—with a series of signs exploiting our fair slang. They’re both clever, and borderline insulting.

Left to Right: Ok, “Pop,” yes. We call it that. And “Sody Pop”? Really? They’re fixin’ to put up a Sody Pop sign down by the crick bed what for ta’ advertise us with? Unbelievable.

But at a local gas station today, I finally had to admit to myself that the use of the word “pop” isn’t always a good choice. As this cartoon logo, with it’s “X-Treme sun splorch ‘toon guy” (I hope that’s what it is) joins the ranks of the Midwest gas chain “Kum N’ Go” as an unfortunate use of slogans. I shall never think of Pop the same way again. Thanks for ruining my most preferred folksy colloquialism, Road Ranger.

THIS is the kind of retched horse-flop that defines this website: The “Bearobics: Fun and Games for Teddy Bears” video. Watch it now before these bears are law-raped by Barry Gibbs copyright enforcing d–k.

Holy Kodiak Jesus, where to begin? For instance, “What the f–k are ‘honey cookies’”? How tight a vice did they get on the narrator’s balls to make him utter those Mickey-Mouse-by-way-of-Satan utterances? “DO DISCO TEDDY BEAR”?…How long have these guys been hanging out with Harmony Heart? Why the LONG ASS PAUSE at the beginning? Why is the cover of this VHS printed on laser jet glossy paper and taped to the box?

One thing’s for sure, this is like watching a Power Point presentation by Walt Disney’s sweetly retarded son, Dolt Disney.

Furthermore, the back cover promises:

1. “a unique combination of the latest computer graphic effects and video editing techniques.” (READ: it’s like watching a screen saver on its slooooowest Windows 3.1 setting.)

2. The point of the video is to engage the viewer so there are “no more passive Saturday mornings watching cartoons.” So they want you TO BUY A CARTOON SO YOUR KID CAN PASSIVELY WATCH IT. Because it goes on to say “Make up your own games and exercises, or just sit back and enjoy this entertaining adventure.” IE: SIT PASSIVELY BACK AND WATCH THIS CARTOON EVEN THOUGH WE SAID NOT TO, STUPID MOTHERFALCONS!!! GAHHH!!!!

Ok, ok…I’ll come clean. I secretly think I love this tape, and I also not-so-secretly think I’m the only one in the world who has a copy. Thank you Family Video VHS Clearance Sale! You can guarantee more videos from this tape are coming in the next week or so.

I meant to re-post this a while back from Jerry Beck’s Cartoon Brew site, because I think it’s so damn cool. Did you know Itchy and Scratchy were not that inspired by Tom and Jerry, but rather a less memorable and more bizarrely violent cartoon called Herman and Katnip? Yep, it’s true. Here’s what Jerry, who hosts the Worst Cartoons DVD with awesome insights just like this one, has to say:

By the 1950s, the writers at Paramount’s Famous Studios were suffering from cartoon fatigue — endlessly rewriting and redrawing the same tired stories for Popeye, Casper, Baby Huey et al. for years on end. The Herman and Katnip pictures were pure cat-chasing-mice opuses, which were by now running on auto-pilot, and got progressively more and more violent as the years went by…

Embedded below is the last 90 seconds from Mouseum (1956) which features my all-time favorite bad-taste ending. I love it. It makes me laugh because of how wrong it is. By this time, the animators had really lost all perspective. 

 

Check out the whole post at Cartoon Brew, and pick up the D-V-D here! It’s like BlueRay, but with fewer letters!

Your mother went through months of agony and tears, and years of raising your sorry ass, and this is how you repay her? Happy Mother’s Day, I guess. In the comments, please lets try to figure out what in the hell Napoleon is saying here, gosh!